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Signs of Sexual Attraction From a Woman

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By: Scott Patterson

Some girls can’t help but flirt. It doesn’t matter who they’re talking to or how they like the looks of him, get them talking to any guy and their eyelashes will start to flutter.

You can’t really blame them. If all it took for me to get my own way was to giggle and thrust my chest out, I don’t think I’d ever stop.

But it’s not much help to us men.

We’ve all read articles about female body language. We know how to spot if a girl is flirting with us and we’ve been told that means that she fancies us. Now it turns out that that isn’t necessarily true.

So how do you go about recognizing which are the compulsive flirts and which girls are genuinely hot for you?

Well, I’m about to tell you.

The first thing to remember is that some body language cannot be faked. Sure, she can twirl her hair and hold your gaze, but there are certain signals which only genuinely interested girls give out.

Start by looking into her eyes. If she likes the looks of you her eyebrows will twitch momentarily upwards in greeting and her pupils will quickly dilate. Her focus will begin darting between your left and right eyes and occasionally down to your lips.

Check her skin. If her blood’s pumping excitedly, her neck and chest will become slightly flushed and she may be more prone to blushing. You might also notice she’s stroking her own chest, arm or face slowly and seductively – any rhythmic caressing of herself is an absolute give away that this girl is really into you.

Finally, look for mirroring. If you’ve both turned your shoulders and legs so you’re facing each other, you know you’ve made a connection. You are also likely to start reaching for your drinks at the same time, or simultaneously sorting your hair.

You might also notice she’s stroking her own chest, arm or face slowly and seductively – any rhythmic caressing of herself is an absolute give away that this girl is really into you.

[From Signs of Sexual Attraction From a Woman]

Now let’s go beyond body language and look at her behavior.

You see, while compulsively flirty girls are after your attention, they’re also after the attention of every other man in the room. A woman who is genuinely into you, on the other hand, only needs you notice her and will focus all of her energies on making sure that happens.

There are various ways in which girls try to get your attention. She may ask you to dance. If you insist that she dances without you, she will spend the whole song glancing your way to check that you’re watching. She may pull out a few extra sexy moves designed to get your heart thumping.

Try talking to another girl, whether a friend or the bartender. If the flirty girl suddenly appears at your side or you notice her watching intently, you can be sure that she’s feeling jealous. She’s trying her best to impress you tonight and won’t want to share your attention with anyone.

On the other hand, if you catch her giggling and whispering with your guy friends, don’t assume the worst. Girls know they need your mates’ seal of approval so by doing her best to get them to like her, she’s trying to ensure that you will, too.

And finally, if she leans in close and starts telling you her secrets, you know that you’ve scored. By creating an aura of intimacy between you she is allowing herself to relax – and nothing is more important than that if you’re planning on taking her home.

About the Author

Want to learn 50 WAYS for approaching, attracting and seducing women? If so, take a look at Scott Patterson’s Free eBook which provides 50 tips for instant dating success.

(ArticlesBase SC #260512)

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/Signs of Sexual Attraction From a Woman

Say Cheese: 12 Photos That Should Never Have Been Posted Online – washingtonpost.com

You know the old cliche, a picture is worth a thousand words? Turns out that pictures have been deeply undervalued: A single photo can cost you your reputation, your job, even your freedom–if you post it online.

Teachers, principals, firefighters, mayors, university presidents, and everyday people have all discovered the dark side of putting the wrong photos and videos on social networking sites. Sometimes they paid the price in embarrassment. An unlucky handful lost their jobs or landed in jail.

The results aren’t pretty, but they are sometimes hilarious. Here’s our dirty dozen–12 pictures their owners probably wish they could take back.

200809230724.jpg1. Hey Kevin, Tinker Bell Wants Her Outfit Back

It’s bad enough to dress up like you’re about to slip a dollar under some toothless child’s pillow. But former intern Kevin Colvin made it much worse by asking his boss at Anglo Irish Bank if he could take time off for a “family emergency in New York,” then flitting off to a Halloween party dressed like a refugee from Peter Pan. Putting the faerie pix on his Facebook profile was the finishing touch. After his boss found the pictures, he responded by attaching the photo in question and blind-copied the entire office. Colvin lost his internship and what was left of his reputation when the e-mail messages went flying across the Internet; at least he got to keep the wand.

200809230726.jpg2. Quick, Call 911–My Pants Are on Fire

Now that an ex-beauty queen is running for the VP slot, life may be easier for hot mommas who also happen to be office holders. It will be too late to help Carmen Kontur-Gronquist, though. The former mayor of Arlington, Oregon, got in hot water with her constituents after a family member posted photos to her MySpace profile showing off her, umm, political assets in the town firehouse (where she worked as an executive secretary). Amazingly, the town of 500 voted to recall her from office shortly after the photos went public. Maybe they were afraid people would start setting fires, just to see what she was wearing when she showed up.

200809230729.jpg3. Muscle Bound or Muscle Brained?

What is it about firehouses that makes people want to take off their clothes? In this case, Boston fireman Alberto Arroyo got in trouble for stripping down to take part in a body-building competition last May. (He finished eighth in the 2008 Pro Natural American Championships, by the way.) There’s nothing wrong with fire fighters showing off their muscles, but Arroyo made the mistake of competing two weeks after he’d filed for permanent disability status due to back injuries. Apparently his injuries enabled him to lift barbells but prevented him from inspecting buildings for code violations. After his bosses saw video of Arroyo competing on YouTube, they decided to give him plenty of spare time to work on his pecs.

200809230741.jpg4. Vending Machine Leads Tennis Teen, 40-Love

British tennis phenoms Naomi Broady and David Rice are no longer feeling the love from the UK’s Lawn Tennis Association. The LTA nixed its sponsorship of the teens in October 2007 after discovering photos of Broady and Rice on social networking site Bebo showing them drunk, getting intimate with condom dispensers in public restrooms, and otherwise displaying “a lack of discipline.” According to the Yorkshire Evening Post,”Naomi’s Bebo profile showed her out on the town, with her legs wrapped round a toilet vending machine.” No doubt trying to coax it to return the correct change.

200809230745.jpg5. Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

What do you do with a drunken pirate? Throw her in the brig–or, if you’re Millersville University, deny her a teaching degree. That’s what happened to Stacey Snyder, a then-27-year-old student teacher who posted a self portrait to her MySpace page under the caption “drunk pirate,” even though it was not clear from the photo exactly what liquid was in her plastic cup. The Pennsylvania-based university decided the picture was “unprofessional” enough to rescind Snyder’s degree, just days before it was to be awarded in May 2006. Snyder sued the university in federal court, claiming it violated her First Amendment rights (not to mention, of course, her Right to Paaaaar-tay). As of publication date of this story, that suit is still active.

6. Moronic at Any Speed

Quick, what’s more stupid–driving 140 mph or filming yourself while driving 140 mph? How about filming yourself driving 140 mph and then posting the evidence on YouTube? That was only the tip of the dunce-berg for 23-year-old Andrew Kellett of Leeds, England. He posted more than 80 videos of himself driving recklessly, stealing gasoline, using drugs, and engaging in sundry other illegal activities under the name “Mrchimp2007.” Last July, a city magistrate who’d had enough of this monkey business gave Kellett two years probation and ordered him to stop posting videos of his dirty deeds ( though some are still available online). “Kellett must be in the running to be Britain’s Dumbest Criminal,” said Leeds City Councilor Les Carter. “If more criminals were as obliging, the city would be even safer.”

200809230820.jpg7. Where There’s Smoke, There’s Ire

Sometimes posting a photo of someone else is enough to get you in trouble. In March 2005 Central High student Eliazar Velasquez snapped shots of principal Elaine Almagno having a smoke on school grounds and posted them to his Web site. He then distributed flyers throughout the Providence-based school, urging students to visit the site. Though it was Almagno who got caught breaking Rhode Island’s ban on smoking near schools, it was the sophomore who got suspended. But not for long; after the story hit the news wires, Velasquez’s suspension was lifted. Our advice to Almagno? Two words: Nicotine patch.

200809230827.jpg8. No Nudes Is Good Nudes

Here are two quick rules of thumb. If you’re going to teach art to high schoolers, try not to post nude photos of yourself online. And if you must teach art and pose in the nude, don’t do it in Texas. Tamara Hoover found this out the hard way in May 2006, when she was forced to leave her teaching position at Austin High School after students discovered semi-nude pix of the 31-year-old on Flickr. Perhaps it was the photos of a nude Hoover wearing a spiked dog collar that set school administrators into a tizzy, or perhaps it was simply because the photos were taken by Hoover’s gay lover. Because as we all know, Texas has no room for artists, lesbians, or naked people.

200809230830.jpg9. Nice, Err, Pom Poms

As Texas is to nude art teachers, Illinois is to scantily clad cheerleading coaches. In April 2007, 25-year-old Natosha Shaw was temporarily stripped of her pom poms when parents at Waukegan High discovered sexy photos on Shaw’s MySpace profile. Parents claimed the aspiring dancer/model was also “inexperienced, incompetent, and immature” as well as under dressed. But Shaw, who’s also an executive assistant to an Illinois state congressman, was ultimately given a second chance. Apparently it’s OK to train teenage girls to perform in front of crowds wearing skimpy outfits, so long as you don’t do it on MySpace. Shouldn’t the parents be more worried that she doesn’t know how to spell “Natasha”?

200809230835.jpg10. Then We Ordered Another Bottle of Tequila, and When I Woke Up One of My Kidneys Was Missing

It was a vacation she’d probably rather forget. When Janet Dudley-Eshbach, president of Salisbury University in Maryland, created an album of her family’s trip to Mexico on Facebook in October 2007, she didn’t expect a local TV station to broadcast the photos to the world, or to have a Wikipedia entry covering the mini-scandal. The problem wasn’t the photos so much as the captions, like the one for this picture: “I ended up having to beat off the Mexicans because they were constantly flirting with my daughter.” (We believe she meant with a stick.) Or the photo of a tapir, a piglike mammal, with an arrow pointing to its outsized manhood. The 53-year-old educator was forced to apologize for conduct unbecoming a university president–and to endure a painful lesson on how not to use Facebook’s privacy settings.

200809230838.jpg11. Yesterday, Spring Break; Tomorrow, Prison Break

What’s a Halloween costume cost? For college junior Joshua Lipton, it was two years of his life. In October 2006, the Bryant University student was charged with drunk driving after causing a three-car crash that left one Providence woman in critical condition. Two weeks later he showed up for a Halloween party dressed as “Jail Bird,” photos of which made it onto Facebook. That didn’t sit very well with the judge in the case, who called the picture “a defense attorney’s worst nightmare” and sentenced Lipton to two years in prison. The good news: The department of corrections didn’t have to issue Lipton a new jumpsuit–he already had his own.

200809230849.jpg12. I’m a PC, She’s a Mac, and You’re Unemployed

Michael Hanscom did not pose nude on Flickr, attack the locals with a stick on his trip to Mexico, or dress up like the Fairy Princess while calling in sick. His crime? In October 2003, the Microsoft temp posted photos of Macintosh G5s being unloaded on the Redmond campus to his blog with the title “Even Microsoft wants G5s.” And that was enough to get him canned from his job in Microsoft’s print shop for an alleged “security violation.” Apparently, the world’s largest developer of software for the Mac (besides Apple) didn’t want anyone to know that some of its employees use Macs. (Thanks for Michael Hanscom for use of the photo.)

[From Say Cheese: 12 Photos That Should Never Have Been Posted Online - washingtonpost.com]


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What is a Fetish and Do You Have One

By: Francis Githinji

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Some people cannot put a finger on what their fetish is. Some know them but they think they are way too abnormal. What would you say a fetish is? It is word which means false charm, power or object. It is something you are obsessed with. It can be a body part or an object. Your sexual gratification is fixated on a particular thing. It becomes a fetish when you cannot sexually get satisfied unless you fantasize about it. It is so bad that even when you masturbate you must have it in mind and still when you are with a partner sexually it has to be present or somewhere in your imagination. For instance you might find brunettes attractive which is ok but if you cannot get sexually aroused without their presence, then you certainly have a serious fetish for brunettes.

A fetish transfers power from an original object or charm to a substitute. A person who has fetishes is known as fetishist whose operation is outside the circle of what is practically considered to be normal. The variety of fetishes depend on the object where the fetish is placed upon. The known inanimate fetishes are found in three varieties. The first one is a media fetish where the fixation is all about materials such as rubber, silk, latex and leather among others. The second variety is called a form fetish where the obsession is about the shape of the object. A good example of form fetishes are stilettos, knee-high boots and certain lingerie. When the object of obsession involves body parts, the type of fetish is categorized under animate fetishes. They can be breasts, hair, feet butts and any other body part.

People have the capacity of turning anything in to a fetish. There are mild and extreme fetishes. You can be able to assess the degree of your obsessive fixation according to whether it affects your relationships and your daily life. If it interferes with your activities you should seek professional help from a psychologist. Try as much as possible to tame your fetish because when if it goes wild it becomes a mental disorder. A fetish might be triggered by something. We were not born with these obsessions. We acquire them later in life as we develop. A guy admitted that he developed a fetish for tongue rings after being orally pleasured by a woman who had one. The cold abject rubbed against his manhood while her hot mouth was engulfing him. Such a guy is likely not to get sexual gratification by romancing an ordinary girl. He needs one with a tongue ring. Experiences make us develop a fetish.

It is amazing to learn that fetishes are our deep down turn on. We might never talk about them but in your gut you know it. Some men marry beautiful and humble wives while what turns them on is a “bad girl”. A girl with a crazy hairstyle and who can perform any act on them sexually. These idols are in movies and men close their eyes and fantasize about them. If you can watch a certain movie from Monday to Monday every day like there is no tomorrow, you probably have a fetish for that bad girl in the movie. A husband confessed that in order to orgasm, he had to fantasize that he was making love to this “bad girl” in his favorite movie.

About the Author:

Francis K. Githinji Is A Online Dating Expert. His Latest Project A Fetish Shows How The Power Of Online Dating Can Be Harnessed Internationally and With Great Success, Or You Could Post Your Valued Comments On His Blog At A Fetish.

Top Ten Fetishes You Will Wonder About

Meow!Some fetishes are crazy but it is true that they exist. Men and women are sexual animals who derive pleasures from various avenues. Here are some ten fetishes which are top on the list. It is good to gauge your degree of fixation by reading about other people. During a survey carried out recently the following was revealed. Number ten on the list concerns stomachs. Males and females admitted that taut tummies drive them crazy. They said they will never be caught dating a person who has loose tummy. However some men admitted that they love women with a teensy-weensy tummy to help them release their sexual urge on the woman’s tummy. Otherwise his experience would not be enjoyable.

Number nine among the ten fetishes concerns body piercing. There are people with an obsession about tongues, nipples, penises, eyebrows and belly buttons. They would not get turned on by a person without these or more body piercing. To them it is not only beautiful but prerequisite. Men love material such as rubber, leather, latex and vinyl. Actually they do not love the feel but the pornographic quality the material gives to the act of love making. Men will always have a fixation with a “bad girl” look even though they settle down with a “nice woman”. They find it teasing to watch a woman walking around in something tight and shiny. To some, the fetish goes as far as ordering their girlfriends to change their wardrobe to latex and leather attire only.

Among the fetishes, number seven concerns submission and domination especially in bed. There are some men who love their sexual encounters better if the woman orders them around like slaves. They are smacked, spanked and even penetrated with a strap-on. These variety of men enjoy being submissive to the women. I guess they are just tired of dominating all the time. Number six talks about something you are familiar with. Many people have a fetish with hand and feet. Some men only date women with beautiful toes and feet. This is because they love to bite, suck, lick and kiss their women’s feet. Crazy as it may sound, some women exclusively climax on sucking a man’s finger as though it was his penis. Number five on the list is about men’s crazy obsession with red lipstick and long, red-painted fingernails. It is a thing of the 1980s but it makes them feel like they are having adulterous sex which is exciting.

Men are so much into pigtails, braids and ponytails. Hair is a great fetish is among the ten fetishes. Men prefer dating younger women and dating one with a pigtail makes them feel like their desires are fulfilled. They too love the way the hair is tied up such that it resembles a whip. They then demand their women to whip them with the tied hair and it turns them on ultimately. Some women have a fetish for bald heads. They love to caress the bald head during a passionate embrace. Fetish number three involves water. Some people admitted to having enjoyed sex when there was some running water at the background. It could be rain or the shower. Number one on the list is voyeurism and exhibitionism. Many men need to see sex being in performance in order to enjoy their sexual encounter. They have to be watching pornography or erotic movies to orgasm.

Fetish – Do You Misunderstand It?

high fetish IVAlthough fetishes are very common these days, some people are still having a very conservative attitude towards them. In fact, these people usually have a misunderstanding that fetishes are wired. This is really a misunderstanding. Fetishes are never something wired unless it is having sex with a dead body.

Actually, fetishes should be something very normal to our sex lives. It is just a matter of choice. They are full of fun and should be very interesting. And it may even make your sex life healthier. We can consider them something special to turn us on. They can be just something we think about when we are masturbating. There are also a lot of different fetishes. Yet we will usually hear about things latex and rubber. It is in fact a lot more than that.

As discussed and you may be well aware, latex and rubber are fetishes. And this kind of fetishes is usually related to some items or objects. For example, high heels can also be an item which consider fetish.

On the other hand, there are also fetishes without any actual item. Instead it can be something about acts. We can wear diaper and act like a baby. This can be fetish. Another example will be acing like teacher and student.

Interestingly, sometimes we may even know that we are having fetish. If you are someone who loves women with their pantyhose on, you are actually having fetish. If you love having sex with a woman with her high heel on, you are also having fetish. And there is nothing wrong with it. They are just what turn you on.

Besides the above, there are also a lot of other things which are considered fetishes. Leather, which sometimes falls into the same category as latex and rubber, is also fetishes. And even there is no actually item or acting like role playing, it can still be fetish. If you are a leg or feet lover, and you love licking the legs or feet while having sex, you are also fetish. At this point you may fully understand that why you may have been had fetish before without knowing it.

It is very important to understand that, as it is discussed at the very beginning, fetish is not something wired and you should not be conservative towards it. In the world of our sex lives, nothing will be regarded as right or wrong, as long as it does not hurt (physically and psychologically) or offence the law.

Fetish: for Your Pleasure

While some think that fetishes are sexual obsessions the truth is that these days a fetish is anything that heightens your sexual experience – even more than usual. It could be getting gagged and bound or having your naughty little romp video taped, it could be dressing up in leather or having sex with a complete stranger… even your love of women in heels could be painted with the ultra sexy fetish brush.

Feet and Toes Fetish

Maybe Madonna had it right when she said; “Shoes are better than sex because they last longer,” but according to the largest global study of sexual kinks ever under taken, there are a lot of men and women who don’t have a problem combining the two. This fetish was voted one of the world’s most favourite with thousands touting their love of foot jobs and toe sucking proving that putting your foot down can create new sexual delights… which leads us to the next fetish on our list…

Trampling Fetish

If you’ve ever had someone walk on you during sex then you’ve been trampled on and if you haven’t tried it then give it a go – it’s exhilarating for those who get off on domination. The woman wears high heels while she walks over the man’s chest, throat, stomach, and crotch. Funny thing is that the man will barley move even when the woman is standing on his crotch with spiked heels. The men love the idea of being under a woman’s heel and the woman loves being on top. It’s a win-win situation where everyone gets off!

Domination Fetish

Speaking of domination… this fetish is all about submission – there’s something about having power and being overpowered that sends tingles to all the right places. This fetish has become so popular that it can’t really be classed as underground anymore with more and more clubs organising special domination nights. Using props like whips, chains, handcuffs and gags, domination lovers get a thrill out of being the dominant one or losing control by being controlled.

Latex and Leather Fetish

Seeing a hot body adorned in tight leather or latex could quite possibly be one of the sexiest sights and lucky for those who love this theme as it has an enormous underground culture. There are retail stores where you not only purchase anything and everything latex and leather related, you can also find out about latex parties where you will be surrounded by people dressed in leather and latex all night long.

Uniform Fetish

Who doesn’t go crazy for a man in uniform or a woman dressed in a cheerleader’s outfit? This is a very popular fetish for men and women alike and it really brings the fantasy and fetish world together for a truly naughty night. This fetish is fairly broad and can be taken to any degree you feel comfortable with. A female doctor who seduces her patient or a medieval knight who knows how to use his sword – the options are only limited by your cheeky imagination.

Messy Food Fetish

When the batteries run out on the vibrator what’s a girl to do? Well this fetish might offer some solutions as it involves doing all sorts of things with everything from bananas to jelly. Whether it’s playing with it, smearing it all over the body or having someone else lick it all off, the messy food fetish involves all sorts of bits and pieces you can find at your local grocery store. The tame at heart will probably stick to the chocolate body sauce which is just as delicious in more ways than one.

Balloon Fetish

This one is a little unusual and so we just had to include it! This fetish involves being turned on by balloons; the smell, the noise, the excitement of not knowing when they are going to pop. People who enjoy this fetish are known as ‘looners’ and just hearing a hottie huffing and puffing on a balloon is enough to drive them over the edge.

When sex play goes wrong

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It used to be easy, typifying British attitudes to sex. We were prudes, bluenoses, disapproving puritans. In the 1950s, Hungarian migr George Mikes famously said, “Continental people have sex life; the English have hot water bottles.”

Boy have we loosened up. Just check the headlines in the most sober of modern newspapers. Soccer stars “spit-roasting” drunken girls. Threesomes dogging in the nearest lay-by. British couples arrested in Dubai Dubai for allegedly performing sexual acts on the beach. And all of it treated, by the media, with a kind of blas, tut-tutting amusement.

And then there are the lad mags, a great British invention. I wrote for Maxim and FHM right through the 1990s, when these titles first soared in popularity. There’s no doubt that lad mags, though they might have coarsened of late, at first did sterling work in cheerfully “liberating” the British male (and female) in all matters sexual.

But there has been another major factor in the Disinhibition of Britain. The internet has opened the door to the ripe and fecund diversity of human sexuality in a wholly new fashion. If you want to find images of naked Romanian gymnasts in jacuzzis, there they are on the Net. Whatever you desire, whatever appetite you could possibly conceive and way beyond is catered for on the Net. And because it is there it somehow seems, well, more acceptable, more ordinary, more everyone-does-it. Just another part of life. And so the great British sex party rolls on.

But underneath this national libertinism, there is a contrary undercurrent it’s that same old prudishness, but with an added tinge of paranoia. The difference nowadays is that the prudishness is aimed not at sex per se, but at certain kinds of “deviancy”: peadophilia in particular, fetishism and pornography in general.

Take the case of Jane Longhurst, Five years ago Ms Longhurst, a Brighton-based teacher, was brutally slain. At the trial it emerged that her killer was a fan of nasty, violent porn websites such as Rape Action.

Following the life imprisonment of the murderer, Jane’s mother Liz began an understandable campaign: to ban the possession of violent sexual imagery. This campaign got support from then Home Secretary, David Blunkett. This summer a law was passed, containing a clause prohibiting such imagery. Under the law it is illegal to look at images of someone freely engaging in rough sex. That is to say: the act is legal, but looking at a photo of it is forbidden. George Orwell had a word for this: thought-crime. Another description might be misguided puritanism.

How can these two urges absolute disinhibition and illogical prudishness coexist in the same society? I think the problem is that we are very confused about sex. We pretend sex is just a game, but deep down we still fear its power. However, because we now mainly hide or deny our fears, or focus these fears on “deviant” sex, the rest of the time we are free to act in a dangerously amoral way, in a bedroom without basic rules.

Let me give a fairly shocking example: from my own life.

Some years ago I was tried on a rape charge brought by my girlfriend. Although my girlfriend and I did have sex, it was consensual. And I was justly acquitted. None the less, looking back, I feel some responsibility for the sad disaster that transpired between my girlfriend and me. Because the sex we had, that night, and for many nights before, was rough and tough and pretty damn kinky: as that’s the kind of sex we both liked. She let’s call her Lucia – first entered my life when I was 21; she was just 17. She was affluent, intellectual, well-born, European-educated and wild. She liked drugs and fun. Lucia was also rapaciously carnal. By contrast I was practically a virgin: I had only had one lover by the time I met her; she’d coupled with a score of guys before leaving Sixth Form. And she liked to experiment in an S&M way. But, as it turned out, I was ready for fun and experimentation, too.

The chemical mixture of our similar psyches was combustible. I’m not sure who introduced the kinkiness into our relationship, but we both enjoyed it with exuberance and enthusiasm. After three months we were into everything from handcuffs to outdoor sex to violent and theatrical ravishings. The paradox is that this very passion began to erode the emotional side of things. We did so much sex and drugs we forgot to talk to each other. The end was maybe inevitable. One day we looked across the rumpled bedclothes, and we realised we were strangers . We broke up. But we kept returning to our carnal casino: we were hooked on the endorphine-rush of dangerous sex. Like all junkies, we ended up in trouble. One night I arranged to meet Lucia at her flat, and we did our usual rough sex thing.

After the act I felt a surge of sad revulsion I wanted to move on; this relationship was bad for us both. I told her I’d met someone else. As I ambled out the door, cruelly cool and whistling, she started crying. I ignored her.

That night I was arrested on a rape charge. I spent two months on remand in jail, then I was bailed to my family home. A whole year later I went for trial at the Old Bailey. At the end, the jury retired for two hours, and the verdict was unanimous: Not Guilty. Does that sound like closure? It wasn’t. The central question would not disappear: how did the most important person in my life at the time, the young woman I adored, come to accuse me of the most heinous crime?

Something had obviously gone seriously awry that night. Two fairly sensitive people, neither of them wholly bad or mad, landed up in the most calamitous situation. What’s more, I don’t think Lucia would have made the accusation she did without some sincere motive. She must have truly felt, or passionately persuaded herself, that she was raped. But how?

Following my acquittal, I tried to come to terms with all this, by writing a book about sexual games, and the dangers of eroticism. By way of research, I attended various trials of “sex crimes”. Many of these cases were nasty, basic, workaday rapes horrific but easily explicable.

But more than a few came from this ambiguous and sinister area: of carnal experiments that exploded. Orgies of swinging that ended in jealous violence. Sessions of bondage where someone was nearly strangled. “Playful” party-games that ended with blood being drawn and a visit from the cops.

The lesson I learnt from this research confirmed my suspicions about my relationship with Lucia, and about society as a whole. In the end, I’ve come to think that Lucia and I were both to blame for what happened. Because of the drug-fuelled silliness of our lifestyle, and our foolish and reckless disdain for morality, we had no way of knowing when to stop. We deliberately blurred the boundaries of consent, just for laughs, so there were no more boundaries left. There were no rules to govern us, so we took everything to the max. We were rafting the exhilarating whitewaters of lust, straight towards the precipice of disaster. I think the same goes for Britain as a society. We’ve gone too far. We’ve gone from treating sex with absurd mistrust to treating it with perilous nonchalance. We see it sex as an amusing sport, a particularly titillating pastime. Sex is just sex, innit? Just a hoot, a gas, a recreational diversion. And in modern Britain, if you disapprove of this casual, let-it-all-hang-out attitude, then you are one of those awful things: a killjoy.

In most ways this permissive revolution has been good, of course. It is nice that people can freely express their desires. It is good that gays and lesbians aren’t locked away or beaten up; it’s progress that boys and girls aren’t whipped for masturbation. And it is surely a very positive thing that a lot more people are having a lot more orgasms.

But in a way, that is my point: sex isn’t just about orgasms. It’s not just about pleasure. For all their faults, our forefathers knew something useful about sex that many of us have maybe forgotten. Somewhere within those narrow Victorian attitudes, now comprehensively trashed, was a hard-won and well-advised caution.

Sex is not a contact sport. It isn’t backgammon with bells on. The penis is not a playstation; the vagina ain’t an Xbox. The sexual urge comes from the most primitive and aggressive parts of the human brain: these are instincts which mix in a volatile way with drink and drugs. Sex also involves profound and serious emotions, from jealousy to love, which means that when it goes wrong it can really go wrong.

Perhaps we need to relearn this central truth. We need to rebalance our sexual attitudes. We don’t have to go back to being prudes; we don’t have to electrocute deviants. But we do need to teach our children respect, for the unique, intense, and sometimes very dangerous pleasures of human sexuality.

[From When sex play goes wrong... - Taboos & Tolerance, Love & Sex - The Independent]

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