Archive for Music

A Pleasure Guide to Bondage

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By: Suie Roberts

For the novice, bondage can be a quick and inexpensive way to spice up your sex life. You don’t need to buy any sort of specialised kit. Neck ties, stocking and belts make ideal bonds. Use soft items to bind your lover to avoid chafing.

Of course there is more to bondage than just tying your partner down to the bed. What are you going to do with them now that you have them there? This is why it is perceived that spanking and whipping must be involved. If you like that kind of thing there are a wide selection of Spanking Tools available, however this is sadism and masochism activity.

In its simplest form, bondage can be holding someone’s hands down whilst giving them a lap dance. In this situation there are no restraints at all. Bondage is more about the eroticism of being under the control of another person or the eroticism of having full control over someone else.

Because of this, bondage on any level stimulates the largest sex organ in the body – The Brain. Bondage binds the brain in rules that give the brain the illusion that the body is being restrained and controlled by someone else. It is usually considered that people in high powered jobs like these kind of sexual games, because they are able to let someone else take control so that they can loose control. But it is also fair to say that it is usually imaginative people who enjoy these games, because they are able to get lost inside the game.

Anyone considering practising bondage on any level must have complete trust in the person or persons who they intend to play with. It is also essential that everyone agrees on a ‘safety’ word. The safety word is a word that can be used by anyone to stop all activity immediately. The word could be a television programme, a musician, or complete nonsense such as ‘erotic elephants’. Whatever your safety word, it must only be used when you want to stop all activities and return to reality. It is important to be able to stop the game because someone my get hurt or injured.

Also for safety, don’t tie anyone too tight. During sexual arousal your body slightly swells, so a tight handcuff soon starts cutting off the bloody supply.

Other less brutal activities could involve teasing your partner.

Tips for girls -

Rub your pussy very lightly over his cock whilst rubbing baby oil into your breasts. Lean forward every now and then and let your juicy orbs hang in his face, just out of tongue reach.

Kneel above his chest and masturbate giving him a ringside seat. Rub your fingers over your lips and then go in for the full on snog.

A little forced face sitting, hover the bits of your pussy you want licking over his face.

Tips for the boys -

Get her to stick her tongue out and the stroke her face and neck and tongue with your erection.

Kiss and caress the inside of her thighs slowly, forever moving upwards little by little. Keep your hands moving and occasionally run your hand over her pussy, but don’t linger or give her any sort of satisfaction. Make sure she feels your breathe on her clit, but not your tongue! Not yet anyway.

The games and the teasing all adds to the excitement of bondage sex. The slow build up leads to steamy passionate sex.

After dabbling with bondage you may want to move up a level. This is a great excuse to dress up, whether you dress up as a Dominatrix, or a Submissive Sex Slave or the Devil herself; the key ingredient has to be PVC or Leather.

Top Tip – If you dress kinky and sexy, you feel kinky and sexy.

You may also want to upgrade your bondage restraints

Hand Cuffs – Cold metal feels nice against your skin, however, they do clank and make noise and they can scratch your furnishings, metal beds in particular.

Leather Wrist Restraints – The feel of leather and the look and smell of it is very sexy. Just be aware that leather collars and cuffs do take some ‘wearing in’ because new leather is rather stiff.

Fabric Wrist Restraints – Very comfortable to wear with padded protection. Quick and easy to use, you can tie someone up in the blink of an eye. They don’t damage your bed and are compatible with any kinky inflatable furniture. Fabric binds are easily washed in the washing machine. However, their sex appeal isn’t the greatest.

PVC Bondage Tape – Bondage tape is wonderful stuff. It works in a similar way to Clingfilm so it sticks but not with stickiness, so you can wrap it round your head and it doesn’t scalp you as you take it off. Its quick and easy to use and looks very hot, although you can’t reuse really because the tape stretches and goes funny and doesn’t look as sexy the next time you use it.

Of course, restraints aren’t just designed to tie your lover to the bed. Some restraints are designed so that they connect together, usually with ‘D’ ring (named after their shape). By clipping bondage items together, you can create unusual sex positions that need support, or just hold limbs out of the way for easier access. Cuff her ankles to her wrists, lay her on her back with her legs straight and you have easier access for giving oral and it leaves your hands free for other naughtiness.

The alternative is to buy your collars and cuffs separately. To ooze sex appeal here you really need to go to a specialised retailer and get sexy leather.

3-Ring Slave Collar – Not only do these collars make the wearer look really hot but they are also very versatile. They enable you to cuff hands to neck in front or behind of the wearer, or ankles to neck (obviously not so that it breaks the wearers hips). You can also add a lead for a bit of fun or use the third ‘D’ ring to tie them to the bed. Great fun.

Waist Cuff, Bondage Belt – Bondage belts allow you to tie your lovers hands to their waist, either at their sides or directly in-front or behind them, again with a long piece of rope you could also attach their ankles so that their legs are in the air and spread open. They can also be used to with a piece of rope going from centre front to centre back to form a kind of chastity belt, or to keep a vibrator firmly inside the vagina.

Leather and Steel Restraints – Ankle to wrist restraints are great for deep penetration sex. Cuff her up and then roll her backwards so that her weight rests on her shoulder blades. Tie the Cuffs to the bed to hold and maintain the position.

Inflatable Bondage Chair – Kinky Furniture is the ultimate bondage toy. However, Bondage furniture usually takes up a lot of space and is not easily hidden when out of use. Inflatable bondage furniture on the other hand easily packs away and can be hidden in the wardrobe – a little less sex appeal but saves the kids and your mother from seeing the evidence of your sexual kinks!

In another direction, there is Japanese bondage. With its oriental origins, Japanese bondage is considered by some an art form and if you really get into it you can really create some elaborate patterns. But to start with you probably wont create much in the way of art, but you will have lots of fun.

You may think a bit of old washing line will do the job, but you really cant skimp here. Get Rope intended for the job, or you run the risk of the rope itching and irritating the skin or chafing. If the rope is too thin it cuts into the skin. Considering the delicate places the rope is going to touch – you don’t want to be left with Chinese burns from your Japanese bondage!

You can buy Books about Japanese Bondage, but finding out for yourself is a whole lot of fun. Here are some Top Tips -

Double up your length of rope. Using double thickness makes knot tying easier.

Keep everything symmetrical – this makes for a more pleasing creation to the eye, it also makes things a whole lot easier.

Always start with a G-String style formation. Its good for anchorage points and gives you something to build on

To make the G-String

With doubled length, wrap around the waist as if it were a belt. Feed the surplus rope through the loop created when you doubled the length. Line up this connecting point with the navel.

Pass the rope down and through the legs and up between the buttocks to the middle back of the ‘belt’ and knot.

Now you are ready to go on to the upper body, or pass round to the sides to tie the wrists to the waist. Just let your imagination run riot!

Remember – When practising Japanese bondage do not make the binds too tight, and bare in mind that you will need to be able to untie any knots that you make.

About the Author:

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J-Punch New Music

Biography: J-Punch is the freshest, bestest DJ/Producer in this or any other timeline. He clobbers the fourth dimension with his original tracks, as they enter your mind and implant themselves in your past, present, and future.

J-Punch has seen original releases on some of the world’s top electronic labels. (Global Underground, 3beat, System Recordings and more) but his corporeal being resides in Washington, DC. Coming up in DC, J-punch has developed a deep respect for electronic music, and he has ridden that vehicle into the limelight. Drawing on a love for warm ambient sounds, dope disco, funky tribal beats, epic melodies, and tweaked-out human voices, there is little question why this master of the hook is the most talented new artist to hail from Washington D.C. since the emergence of Deep Dish.

After completing his third full length album, LEVEL co-produced with Global Underground artists, Trafik, J-Punch now turns attention inward for an EP Single and Final Album entitled Take Everything. Featured here are 3 tracks from the album included the TAKE EVERYTHING single which will be released in January of 2009 and followed by the full length album in March of 2009.


Webpage: http://www.jpunch.com
Location: Washington, D.C., USA
Description: INDIE POP CHILL OUT – warm ambient sounds, epic melodies, and tweaked-out human voices.
Press Release:
(No. 2 Music Choice (10/06)/Number 2 Billboard Dance breakout track in 2005),
“This supersolid EP is a candy-coated daisy chain of genre splicing. 5/5 – BPM Culture Magazine

“J-Punch has released on what seems like a list of the coolest labels around.” -365 Magazine
“His productions are strong and he gets better with each release.” -Progressive Sounds
“This is top quality stuff and will devastate the more intelligent dance floors.” -Xpander
“Moody, deep, exotic, and sexy.”-Resident Advisor
“Gorgeous, and I mean absolutely 10/10.” Release Records, 2003
“The surprisingly earnest, emotional vocals on Hook The Captains I’ll Follow You caught this listener, bred on insincere Deep House, completely off-guard. The track must be heard to be believed.” – Jive Magazine 2004

New Artist: DRIVIN

Formed in June of 2006, DRIVIN is a highly motivated band that stands for a sense of musical integrity, bound in the creation of head pummeling, skull crushing, metal.

Los Angeles, CA – October 18th marked the street date for the new 6-song EP from the metal punishers in Drivin, a band whose embrace of groove-boned thrash and death metal vengeance has earned them die-hard fans as well as the right to claim demi-god status in a vicious, dog-eat-dog heavy metal universe.

Drivin’s songs boast a diversity of metal sensibilities. Rhythmic awareness gets heads lashing in a live setting (and in your car when you’re by yourself, blasting the volume high). Sickened guitar solos mix with grim melodies, summoning death metal’s spirit, yet without mindless, chaotic bombast. A touch of complexity in a nod toward metalcore mingled with a sense of streamlined thrust make Drivin’s songs beasts that swell and explore yet which move inexorably toward their destination. There’s also a raw, muscular grinding anger that recalls the rage of metallic hardcore.

There’s plenty of meat to chew on. (And then there are the withering vocals – that transcend all the band’s influences – and those vox chew on you and spit you out!) Always there is the drive to do something original, something powerful, something smart – and something visceral. “Drivin is a highly motivated band that stands for a sense of musical integrity, talent and the desire to create new and unique music,” explains one band member. And Drivin is driven by the insatiable urge to “create new music for people to enjoy – and be inspired by.”

The band has been busy taking the stage and slaying audiences, and a multi-city tour is in the works as Drivin expands its horizons, pushing outward the borders of its metal kingdom. More songwriting is also under way, with 5 songs completed that aren’t on the imminent EP – and two more tunes on the way besides. Drivin is also in the process of building its own studio in the “very near future.”

“We are totally dedicated to music and our band and want to share it with everyone; we are the most grounded and ‘Drivin’ band that we have seen or heard of. Our life is music!”

Drivin is currently working with A&R Select, the premier A&R firm based out of Los Angeles, CA. More information is available by visiting www.myspace.com/tdrivint and www.arselect.com.


Webpage: http://www.promofm.com/bands/3414/index.php
Location: Kamloops, BC, Canada

Philosophy of the Bottle

New Artist: bulbospongiosus

A reluctant worker drone in an oppressive surveillance society receives telepathic warnings of an imminent invasion. suddenly the world is plunged into slavery at the hands of heartless controlling robots who begin to turn the humans into automatons or AUTOMATA. somehow our hero’s previous visions shield him from the trans formative process and he leads a revolt on the robot army. he becomes a celebrity and realizes that the invasion was staged by a corrupt government and decides to assassinate the leader. and as in all stories like this, he is captured and is processed to become a good citizen.


Webpage: http://www.myspace.com/bulbospongiosus
Location: reno, nevada, usa
Description: cadmus teeth and ape colide
Biography: two guys who like bombastic proggy rock operas decided to try to make one themselves
Press Release:

Profile of the Week – PeachCOBLER

PeachCOBLER

[From Bondage-Radio Members-Area]200901232022.jpg 200901232023.jpg 200901232024.jpg

From: Arkansas, Arkansas, United States
Sex: female looking for Male, Female, Couple M+M, Couple F+F, Group
Age: 18
Drinks: never
Smokes: no
Build: Hour Glass
Ethnic Origin: Mixed Race
Children: no
Height: 5′ 6″ (168cm)
Seeking: 1 on 1 sex
Adult Interests: Web Camming, Cyber Sex, Swinging, Discreet Relationship, Dildos, Masturbation, Domination, Oral Sex (Giving), Oral Sex (Receiving), Massage, Making Home Movies, Lingerie, Gangbangs, Handcuffs / Shackles, Breast / Nipple Clamps, Spanking, Strip Tease, Threesomes
PeachCOBLER’s Description:
Hey whats up.
My name is Isabella
and I am German and Argentinian
which is white and Hispanic :)
I am 117 pounds and i am 5’6
I love music and poetry I am
crazy and I love to Party :)
PeachCOBLER’s Ideal Partner:
I am looking for picture exchange and a fun kinky time Im down for anything but Please don’t make it boring :)

For Kids, No Escape From Porn Imagery – Newsweek.com

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The idea for a book about porn culture came to Kevin Scott the day his daughter decided she absolutely had to have a Bratz-doll pony. For months, the 5-year-old had begged him for a Bratz doll—clad in spike heels, fishnets and miniskirt, enormous puppy-dog eyes protruding from her oversized head. Her sexy look seemed a little too sexy for a preschooler, so he and his wife bought her a different doll, which she was happy with. Except that a few months later, Bratz came out with Bratz Babyz. “If Bratz had looked like Barbie hookers, these looked like baby hookers,” Scott says. Again, he convinced his daughter that My Little Pony was just as cool—and for a moment, the conversation ended. Until, of course, the Bratz came out with Bratz Ponyz. And then, says Scott, an English professor at a small college in Georgia, “I realized porn culture and I were in a death match for my daughter’s soul.”

In a market that sells high heels for babies and thongs for tweens, it doesn’t take a genius to see that sex, if not porn, has invaded our lives. Whether we welcome it or not, television brings it into our living rooms and the Web brings it into our bedrooms. According to a 2007 study from the University of Alberta, as many as 90 percent of boys and 70 percent of girls aged 13 to 14 have accessed sexually explicit content at least once.

But it isn’t just sex that Scott is worried about. He’s more interested in how we, as a culture, often mimic the most raunchy, degrading parts of it—many of which, he says, come directly from pornography. In “The Porning of America” (Beacon), which he has written with colleague Carmine Sarracino, a professor of American literature, the duo argue that, through Bratz dolls and beyond, the influence of porn on mainstream culture is affecting our self perceptions and behavior—in everything from fashion to body image to how we conceptualize our sexuality.

It’s too early to know exactly how kids who grow up in this hypersexualized environment will be affected in the long term. But Scott and his coauthor say it’s not too soon—or too prudish—to sound the alarm, and to look critically at the sexualized culture we’re exposed to every day. The authors don’t suggest banishing porn to back alleys, however. Both grew up when people were crying out for sexual liberation. And, they contend, porn certainly played a role in achieving it. But somehow between then and now, porn themes have gone from adult entertainment to prime time, seeping into nearly every aspect of popular culture. Sarracino and Scott define “porning” as the way advertising and society in general have borrowed from the ideas and characteristics central to most American pornography: sex as commodity, sexuality as overt, narrow views of women and male-female relationships, bad girls and dirty boys, domination and submission.

All it takes is one look at MySpace photos of teens to see examples—if they aren’t imitating porn they’ve actually seen, they’re imitating the porn-inspired images and poses they’ve absorbed elsewhere. Latex, corsets and stripper heels, once the fashion of porn stars, have made their way into middle and high school. An ad for Axe shower gel, marketed to teen boys, uses the slogan “How Dirty Boys Get Clean,” while Burton, the snowboard company, partnered with Playboy earlier this year on a new line of “Love” boards—complete with voluptuous cheeks smack dab in the middle of each. The boards’ online description reads: “I enjoy laps through the park; long, hard grinds on my meaty Park Edges followed by a good, hot waxing.” One of the most popular kids’ videogames, Guitar Hero, features animated rock stars that stand on a stage with a neon stripper gyrating on a pole behind them. Strippers have become cool—unremarkable even.

Celebrities, too, have become amateur porn stars. They show up in sex tapes (Colin Farrell, Kim Kardashian), hire porn producers to shoot their videos (Britney Spears) or produce porn outright (Snoop Dogg). Actual porn stars and call girls, meanwhile, have become celebs. Ron Jeremy regularly takes cameos in movies and on TV, while adult star Jenna Jameson is a best-selling author.

In July, a Florida defense attorney argued in an obscenity trial that porn had become so commonplace—evidenced by the fact that a Google search for “orgy” is twice as common as one for “apple pie”—that his client, a porn-site operator charged with racketeering and prostitution, could not be considered as behaving outside the societal norm. (The obscenity charges were dropped, though the defendant was found guilty of money laundering.) “All you have to do is live here on a daily basis, and you pick this stuff up through every medium,” says Sarracino, who teaches at Pennsylvania’s Elizabethtown College. “But it’s been so absorbed that it has almost ceased to exist as something separate from the culture.”

The prevalence or porn leaves today’s children with a lot of conflicting ideas and misconceptions, says Lyn Mikel Brown, the coauthor of “Packaging Girlhood,” about marketers’ influence on teen girls. “All this sex gives a misinformed notion of what it means to be grown-up.” Studies show that kids who consume this kind of sex in the media inherit more traditional views of gender—boys as dominant, girls as submissive, in the bedroom and beyond. (In a survey of 244 high-school students earlier this year, researchers at the University of Michigan found that those who frequently viewed talk shows and prime-time programs with sexualized content endorsed sexual stereotypes more strongly.) Kids are less likely to know when and how to express themselves sexually—or what behavior crosses the border into sexual harassment. As part of their research, the authors of “Porning” talked to middle-school teachers who told stories of girls sending half-nude pictures to classmates they’d barely met, then strutting around in classrooms in provocative clothing to reveal what’s underneath.

The authors of “So Sexy So Soon” (Ballantine), which came out last month, believe that part of the problem for children is that they lack the emotional sophistication to understand the images they see. Last year, the American Psychological Association put out a compelling report that described the sexualization of young girls: a process that entails being stripped of all value except the sexual use to which they might be put. Once they subscribe to that belief, say some psychologists, those girls begin to self-objectify—with consequences ranging from cognitive problems to depression and eating disorders. “It’s not as if we get our ideas straight from porn about what a kiss should be or what sex should be,” says Sharon Lamb, a psychologist at Saint Michael’s College in Burlington, Vt., and a coauthor of the APA report. “But you do see imitation of sex that was once found only in porn. It’s a kind of education to kids about what sex is like before they have a real education of it.”

That education involves seeing thousands of explicit sexual images by the time a person reaches his teenage years. Experts say that exposure can make real-life sex a letdown for men driven by porn-style fantasies. In porn culture, women are overwhelmingly viewed as sexually rapacious or as victims of verbal, physical or sexual violence. And young girls, not knowing any different, may play straight into the watered-down mainstream versions of those roles. Today, terms like slut and whore are commonplace among teens. And whether it’s porn or a combination of influences, anonymous, no-strings-attached-style casual sex, now commonly called “hookup” culture, has come to be one of the defining characteristics of a whole generation of teens. (That culture is the subject of a number of publications, including this year’s “Hooking Up,” by sociologist Kathleen Bogle.)

It’s the porn ideal of sex as commodity in a competitive market—and to see rapper Nelly swipe a credit card through a young girl’s backside in a music video only reaffirms that notion. It’s artificiality as a replacement for authenticity, the Miley Cyrus-type plasticity that’s become the mainstream, prepubescent sexual ideal. (Not only has Cyrus been photographed wrapped in a sheet looking like she just had sex—she claims she was manipulated by the photographer—but revealing photos of her, taken by herself and friends, have also emerged online.) “Both boys and girls are really confused about what’s appropriate,” says Brown. Helping kids make that distinction may be an increasingly uphill battle.

[From For Kids, No Escape From Porn Imagery | Newsweek Culture | Newsweek.com]

Profile of the week – lenora6969

leonora6969

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From: Saxmundham, Suffolk, United Kingdom
Sex: female looking for Female, Couple F+F
Age: 26
Drinks: occasionally
Smokes: no
Build: Slim
Ethnic Origin: Caucasian (white)
Children: no
Height: 5′ 7″ (170cm)
Seeking: just fun
Adult Interests: Cyber Sex, Swinging, Exhibition / Voyeurism, Discreet Relationship, Sex Toys, Anal Sex (Giving), Anal Sex (Receiving), Dildos, Domination, Oral Sex (Giving), Oral Sex (Receiving), Cunnilingus, Massage, Lingerie, Handcuffs / Shackles, Anal Toys, Bondage, Arse (Ass) Play, Blindfolds, Spanking, Strip Tease, Threesomes, Watersports, Erotic Chat / E-Mail
leonora6969′s Description:
i am single and love swimming,gym,beach,walking,dancing,most music ,wining and dining,and open to suggestions.

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[From Bondage-Radio Members-Area]

Jessica Alba’s seduce-the-vote campaign

© 2008 WorldNetDaily

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Jessica Alba – Vote

WASHINGTON – First it was “Rock the Vote.”

Now it’s “Seduce the Vote.”

Sexy actress Jessica Alba stars in a raunchy, topless, bondage ad campaign designed to get young people to vote Nov. 4.

The star of “Sin City” is shot topless in the photo campaign with heavy eye makeup and black tape across her mouth and chest.

The pictures include the tag “Only You Can Silence Yourself,” and Alba, 27, claims they “really resonate” with the issue of voter registration.

“If you don’t register and vote and make a difference, and hopefully change the bad things that are happening in our country, you are essentially just binding and muzzling yourself,” she explained. “We sign up for MySpace pages and Facebook pages, and download music off the internet. The least people can do is register to vote online, actually making a difference in their world, not just making their lives a little bit cooler.”

Alba says she was not embarrassed by the ads shot by photographer Marc Liddel.

“It didn’t freak me out at all,” she said. “What I like about Marc’s work is that he tells a story and brings real emotion to his pictures.”

Last year, “Good Luck Chuck,” starring Alba, was blasted by critics and moviegoers as “pornography” in terms usually reserved for bait-and-switch con artists.

“Pity the poor moviegoer who watches the commercials for ‘Good Luck Chuck,’ mistakes it for a light romantic comedy, and takes his prudish grandmother to the theater. There are at least two dozen graphic, profanity-filled and occasionally violent sex scenes in the film,” wrote San Francisco Chronicle film critic Peter Hartlaub. “The picture ends with Dane Cook thinking up different ways to pleasure a stuffed penguin.”

[From Jessica Alba's seduce-the-vote campaign]

When sex play goes wrong

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It used to be easy, typifying British attitudes to sex. We were prudes, bluenoses, disapproving puritans. In the 1950s, Hungarian migr George Mikes famously said, “Continental people have sex life; the English have hot water bottles.”

Boy have we loosened up. Just check the headlines in the most sober of modern newspapers. Soccer stars “spit-roasting” drunken girls. Threesomes dogging in the nearest lay-by. British couples arrested in Dubai Dubai for allegedly performing sexual acts on the beach. And all of it treated, by the media, with a kind of blas, tut-tutting amusement.

And then there are the lad mags, a great British invention. I wrote for Maxim and FHM right through the 1990s, when these titles first soared in popularity. There’s no doubt that lad mags, though they might have coarsened of late, at first did sterling work in cheerfully “liberating” the British male (and female) in all matters sexual.

But there has been another major factor in the Disinhibition of Britain. The internet has opened the door to the ripe and fecund diversity of human sexuality in a wholly new fashion. If you want to find images of naked Romanian gymnasts in jacuzzis, there they are on the Net. Whatever you desire, whatever appetite you could possibly conceive and way beyond is catered for on the Net. And because it is there it somehow seems, well, more acceptable, more ordinary, more everyone-does-it. Just another part of life. And so the great British sex party rolls on.

But underneath this national libertinism, there is a contrary undercurrent it’s that same old prudishness, but with an added tinge of paranoia. The difference nowadays is that the prudishness is aimed not at sex per se, but at certain kinds of “deviancy”: peadophilia in particular, fetishism and pornography in general.

Take the case of Jane Longhurst, Five years ago Ms Longhurst, a Brighton-based teacher, was brutally slain. At the trial it emerged that her killer was a fan of nasty, violent porn websites such as Rape Action.

Following the life imprisonment of the murderer, Jane’s mother Liz began an understandable campaign: to ban the possession of violent sexual imagery. This campaign got support from then Home Secretary, David Blunkett. This summer a law was passed, containing a clause prohibiting such imagery. Under the law it is illegal to look at images of someone freely engaging in rough sex. That is to say: the act is legal, but looking at a photo of it is forbidden. George Orwell had a word for this: thought-crime. Another description might be misguided puritanism.

How can these two urges absolute disinhibition and illogical prudishness coexist in the same society? I think the problem is that we are very confused about sex. We pretend sex is just a game, but deep down we still fear its power. However, because we now mainly hide or deny our fears, or focus these fears on “deviant” sex, the rest of the time we are free to act in a dangerously amoral way, in a bedroom without basic rules.

Let me give a fairly shocking example: from my own life.

Some years ago I was tried on a rape charge brought by my girlfriend. Although my girlfriend and I did have sex, it was consensual. And I was justly acquitted. None the less, looking back, I feel some responsibility for the sad disaster that transpired between my girlfriend and me. Because the sex we had, that night, and for many nights before, was rough and tough and pretty damn kinky: as that’s the kind of sex we both liked. She let’s call her Lucia – first entered my life when I was 21; she was just 17. She was affluent, intellectual, well-born, European-educated and wild. She liked drugs and fun. Lucia was also rapaciously carnal. By contrast I was practically a virgin: I had only had one lover by the time I met her; she’d coupled with a score of guys before leaving Sixth Form. And she liked to experiment in an S&M way. But, as it turned out, I was ready for fun and experimentation, too.

The chemical mixture of our similar psyches was combustible. I’m not sure who introduced the kinkiness into our relationship, but we both enjoyed it with exuberance and enthusiasm. After three months we were into everything from handcuffs to outdoor sex to violent and theatrical ravishings. The paradox is that this very passion began to erode the emotional side of things. We did so much sex and drugs we forgot to talk to each other. The end was maybe inevitable. One day we looked across the rumpled bedclothes, and we realised we were strangers . We broke up. But we kept returning to our carnal casino: we were hooked on the endorphine-rush of dangerous sex. Like all junkies, we ended up in trouble. One night I arranged to meet Lucia at her flat, and we did our usual rough sex thing.

After the act I felt a surge of sad revulsion I wanted to move on; this relationship was bad for us both. I told her I’d met someone else. As I ambled out the door, cruelly cool and whistling, she started crying. I ignored her.

That night I was arrested on a rape charge. I spent two months on remand in jail, then I was bailed to my family home. A whole year later I went for trial at the Old Bailey. At the end, the jury retired for two hours, and the verdict was unanimous: Not Guilty. Does that sound like closure? It wasn’t. The central question would not disappear: how did the most important person in my life at the time, the young woman I adored, come to accuse me of the most heinous crime?

Something had obviously gone seriously awry that night. Two fairly sensitive people, neither of them wholly bad or mad, landed up in the most calamitous situation. What’s more, I don’t think Lucia would have made the accusation she did without some sincere motive. She must have truly felt, or passionately persuaded herself, that she was raped. But how?

Following my acquittal, I tried to come to terms with all this, by writing a book about sexual games, and the dangers of eroticism. By way of research, I attended various trials of “sex crimes”. Many of these cases were nasty, basic, workaday rapes horrific but easily explicable.

But more than a few came from this ambiguous and sinister area: of carnal experiments that exploded. Orgies of swinging that ended in jealous violence. Sessions of bondage where someone was nearly strangled. “Playful” party-games that ended with blood being drawn and a visit from the cops.

The lesson I learnt from this research confirmed my suspicions about my relationship with Lucia, and about society as a whole. In the end, I’ve come to think that Lucia and I were both to blame for what happened. Because of the drug-fuelled silliness of our lifestyle, and our foolish and reckless disdain for morality, we had no way of knowing when to stop. We deliberately blurred the boundaries of consent, just for laughs, so there were no more boundaries left. There were no rules to govern us, so we took everything to the max. We were rafting the exhilarating whitewaters of lust, straight towards the precipice of disaster. I think the same goes for Britain as a society. We’ve gone too far. We’ve gone from treating sex with absurd mistrust to treating it with perilous nonchalance. We see it sex as an amusing sport, a particularly titillating pastime. Sex is just sex, innit? Just a hoot, a gas, a recreational diversion. And in modern Britain, if you disapprove of this casual, let-it-all-hang-out attitude, then you are one of those awful things: a killjoy.

In most ways this permissive revolution has been good, of course. It is nice that people can freely express their desires. It is good that gays and lesbians aren’t locked away or beaten up; it’s progress that boys and girls aren’t whipped for masturbation. And it is surely a very positive thing that a lot more people are having a lot more orgasms.

But in a way, that is my point: sex isn’t just about orgasms. It’s not just about pleasure. For all their faults, our forefathers knew something useful about sex that many of us have maybe forgotten. Somewhere within those narrow Victorian attitudes, now comprehensively trashed, was a hard-won and well-advised caution.

Sex is not a contact sport. It isn’t backgammon with bells on. The penis is not a playstation; the vagina ain’t an Xbox. The sexual urge comes from the most primitive and aggressive parts of the human brain: these are instincts which mix in a volatile way with drink and drugs. Sex also involves profound and serious emotions, from jealousy to love, which means that when it goes wrong it can really go wrong.

Perhaps we need to relearn this central truth. We need to rebalance our sexual attitudes. We don’t have to go back to being prudes; we don’t have to electrocute deviants. But we do need to teach our children respect, for the unique, intense, and sometimes very dangerous pleasures of human sexuality.

[From When sex play goes wrong... - Taboos & Tolerance, Love & Sex - The Independent]

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Swinger’s Lifestyle: Klingons and Predators

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Klingons and Predators. No, this is not a story about creatures with big foreheads and bad tempers or ones that turn invisible and hunt California governors for sport. This is a story about two of the hazardous types of swingers that can ruin your lifestyle experience. Whether they are singles or couples, they are always a pain and always a bad reflection on the rest of us. So let’s break each one down.

KLINGONS: Not those in battle cruisers, but just as intrusive. The typical Klingon is a swinging couple, or swingle, that you have met before, or perhaps even played with, and now thinks that every time they see you, they get you. They “cling on” to you. For example: you come into a club, you start to mingle, getting excited about the prospect of playing with someone new, and then the Klingons spot you in their radar. As they glance in your direction, fear hits you like a ton of bricks, “Oh no, they are here! The last time they were here they wouldn’t leave our side! Do they think they own us!?” They’ve forgotten Swinger’s Rule #46: Just because you’ve played with someone before does not mean it will happen again. If a Klingon sees you, your night is pretty much over… or is it?

You can deal with this problem in a graceful manner. But how do you do this?

The Nice Approach: As always the first rule of engagement with Klingons should be to follow the swinger prime directive… Er… basically “be nice.” Maybe say something like this, “We really would like to spend time with you tonight, but we have another play date. So maybe another time?” Most Klingons will respect this, since they are an honorable species and wouldn’t dream of spoiling another swinger’s booty call. It shows respect for others, as well as giving them a good feeling as they move on and find someone else to play with. Ditching someone only hurts people’s feelings and shows extremely bad swinger etiquette.

The Honest Approach: Just tell them straight up, “No thank you”. Keep in mind, if they hang out in the same circle of friends as you, this could be awkward for everyone. Depending on how well you know them, or how sensitive they are, they might be embarrassed, or even angry, and this could come back to haunt you later if they choose to start bad-mouthing you to others (Sounds like high school doesn’t it?). However, if they are good friends, then they will appreciate your honesty and will completely understand. Keep in mind that they may simply be uncomfortable or shy in a large crowd and were simply seeking to hang out with you, not monopolize you. So be careful that you haven’t misread them – in this case, it might be better to say something like “Guys, we love you, but tonight we are looking to hook up with someone new.” Perhaps adding, “…want to help us?”

Remember, someday you may be the one getting told “no.” So think about how you would like the message delivered to you. Your reputation in the lifestyle is everything. Be kind, but also be as honest and direct as required. Now, if you think you might be that Klingon couple, and you want to save yourselves possible embarrassment, then e-mail or call them and ask for a play date, rather than hovering over them like an uncloaked battle cruiser. Remember, just because someone says “Not tonight”, doesn’t mean “Never again.” Take it as an opportunity to find some new friends of your own. There is always tomorrow!

PREDATORS: They can be a pain in everyone’s fun. We all don’t have our preferred ways to initiate play…but Predators are in a league of their own, and always with dramatic results. This is a calculating couple that uses manipulation to get what they want. It doesn’t really matter what you want, they are determined to notch their bedpost with you.

For instance: A new couple is just looking to play with a girl, so the predators chat them up and tell them the husband is really a voyeur and say “I’d love to watch my wife play with you.” So off to the play rooms they go, with no real intention of honoring the other couple’s comfort levels. As Mrs. Predator occupies the guy, Mr. Predator is on the female, trying to push her boundaries as far as he can get away with. These Predators are rare in the seasoned swinger community, but the bad impression they leave on curious and vulnerable newbies is responsible for most of the bad press that the swinger community so often receives.

Another Predator technique I’ve observed is the “Suprise Attack” technique. This usually takes place during playtime at a club or party. The Predators will scope out who they want, sit back and wait for the play to begin. When they see an opportunity, they strike! Someone once told me a story of a classic Predator experience they once had. He and his wife threw a house party. He was in the middle of playing with a unicorn friend of theirs, when a couple that they didn’t know very well approached them and told him that they really wanted to change the music, but couldn’t figure out the stereo system. Wanting to be a good host, he got off (and out) of his unicorn friend for a moment to walk across the room to change the music. When he turned around the Predator couple had already pounced on the unicorn like two hungry lions on a wounded… uh… unicorn. It had literally been only 10 seconds! The host was pissed and the unicorn was uncomfortable… However, neither of them knew what to do and never spoke up!

How do you deal with Predators? There is really only one way: TELL THEM NO! Right then, right there. Start with a waved hand indicating no, then move on to “Sorry, not tonight”, then heighen to, “That’s not ok with me” and then finally going to “Hey, get the fuck away from me!” If you are at a club or someone else’s party, you don’t have to take it on yourselves. Tell the party hosts and get them thrown out. I have seen Predators that just walk up and shove their genitals in people’s faces. These are couples with little or no social skills and a blatant disregard for anyone’s fun but there own. So don’t ever feel bad about possibly hurting their feelings.

But be careful not to mislabel someone as a Predator. On one occasion in my travels, I had a run in with a couple I mislabeled as Predators. I later found out they didn’t speak any English and were from a country where the swinger culture very different than ours. They were actually very nice and didn’t mean to offend anyone. Even with their language barrier they learned quickly how they were supposed to act at parties over here and did their best to adjust. So try to be nice.

To feel comfortable in the swinger lifestyle, it’s important that you feel you have some control over your experiences. Just like in the real world, there are those out there who will do whatever it takes to get what they want from you. Look out for yourself, your partner and your own needs and you will have a fun time.

The intention of this article is not to complain about negative experiences in the swinger lifestyle, but to inform those who may not see it coming. Avoid the speed bumps I call “Klingons and Predators.” That’s not the way the lifestyle works, so if you run into either of these then just waive it off as an anomaly and continue on as you make new friends and live an incredible lifestyle that others cannot imagine.