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Introducing BDSM to Your Partner

Posted on September 10, 2010 by Jarl Mezentius

So you are into BDSM or you think that you may be into and have a problem with introducing your desires to your partner. What if BDSM is not acceptable for her or him? What if you turn your partner away? A lot of questions arise and many people stop at that point. I would like to encourage you to go ahead and give it a try, some stats may give you more confidence.

Some interesting stats on BDSM

Unlike you could think bondage and pain are very common in bedrooms all other the world, several researches show that up to 15% of population use BDSM practices on regular basis and almost 50% of people have a positive erotical reaction on pain. So the chances are your partner is craving for spanking and bondage even more than you do, but is hesitating just like you.

But how?

Ok, many people like it, but how do I ask my partner to try BDSM for the first time? The answer is as short as it’s hard. Just talk to your partner. You should be prepared for the discussion. If you don’t usually talk about sex and the things that turn you on, make it your habit.

Make a list of fantasies that you would like to try, keep it simple for the first time, and let your partner choose the things that may turn both of you on. Maybe you will have an additional list of you partner’s fantasies that you also would like to try. Sometimes people we think we know surprise us.

Don’t try it all at once. Yes, that latex whipping scene in metal bondage on a spaceship was very hot, but try to concentrate on one or two things that you desire most. You can try the sex on spaceship later anyway.

Safe words

Safe words are the other topic you should discuss before the BDSM session. Safe words in BDSM practice are used to stop or slow down the action. Sometimes the shouts “stop” and “no” can mean quite the opposite, especially during flogging or roleplaying, so you should choose the words that will not be commonly used during your sessions, something like “Japan” or “plum”.

Bondage

First option is to try some light bondage. Forget about huge metal constructions and St. Andrew’s cross you’ve seen in a movies on those sites. You don’t want you partner to run away in fear, do you? Although handcuffs from an adult online store are a good idea but I personally recommend trying something like a scarf or piece of cotton rope. Do not use pantyhose or silk scarf. They are too thin and can cut the blood circulation, so don’t use them until you got some expertise.

Tie your partner to a bedpost, a chair, a banister if you have one or just tie the hands behind the back. Bear in mind that in case of hands behind you can’t lay the partner on the back, it’s uncomfortable. Tease your partner with pain or pleasure, that’s your choice, surprise is a part of fun, but don’t forget the set limits.

Spanking

Most of pairs practicing BDSM use spanking at least as part of foreplay and it’s accepted as a common practice even by those who are not into BDSM, so why don’t you try it first. Bend you partner other the knees, or tie the partner to the bed to add tension and give a slap. Don’t rush, spank slow and easy at first, pay attention to partner’s reaction. Don’t push your partner too hard, in best case you should slow down before you hear the safe word.

In fact some people can wait and endure the pain just because they want your approval. Don’t abuse these good feelings, you need to find the pain limits of your partner based both on verbal and nonverbal reactions.

Whipping

Whipping is a more complicated matter than spanking as it involves using the tools like floggers, belts, whips and so on. Adult stores nowadays offer a wide variety of devices that can look hot for you, but don’t forget that they can scare off your partner. Try a soft flogger at first.

Choose the flogger with many wide tails, the wider the better. Make sure it’s made of soft leather or suede and try it on your own hand. Remember, this is all to make your partner feel comfortable and get him used to the BDSM techniques. Show the device to your partner before the session, let him or her get used to it.

As with spanking start slow and easy as you are not professional yet, be careful. Try to focus on buttocks as they are less vulnerable to an accidental damage. Be sure to read some additional literature on whipping technique as it is very important for your partners health.

Go on and try!

To sum it all up starting practicing BDSM with your partner is rather simple, so go ahead and try. I’ve prepared a short list to show you how easy every step is.

Make a list of fantasies that you would like to try with your partner.
Discuss the list and choose the things that turn both of you on.
Set the safe words that will stop or slow down the session.
Choose and buy the equipment that clicks with both of you (if you need it).
Turn off the phones and try some BDSM action!
Discuss the session with you partner.

I recommend you write a list of desires right now, open Notepad, MS Word, OpenOffice or whatever you have and do it, don’t waste your time. After that you can read some additional articles right here on EzineArticles. And do talk to you partner this week.

http://lesbianbdsm.kinky-thingy.com/bdsm-stats/

Author: Johan Tyros
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
Pressure cooker

BDSM: An Immeasurable Range of Sexual, Sensual and Intimate Activities

Posted on February 3, 2009 by Jarl Mezentius

To some people, the term BDSM brings to mind images of people tied up in chains, in some dark secret dungeon and being whipped senseless in some type of twisted if not macabre pleasure. You know, an indulgence for those bordering of mental illness. This of course could be seen as true in some instances but this is not what BDSM is all about. BDSM cannot be defined by one activity alone, in fact it would be accurate to say that BDSM cannot be defined by any number of activities, it’s a lifestyle choice, which is entirely unique.

The term ‘BDSM’ encompasses an immeasurable range of sexual, sensual and intimate activities. The most common can include power or role-play, a range of sensory games from the extreme infliction of intense pain to the gentle tease of a feather and much more. Many have even participated in an act that could sit under the caveat of BDSM without even knowing it and this style of sexuality is ever on the increase whether you are aware of it or not.

So, what exactly is BDSM?

The term BDSM itself is actually made up from abbreviations of other terms. B & D represents ‘bondage and dominance’ or ‘bondage and discipline’. D & S represents ‘dominance and submission’ and S & M represents ‘sadism and masochism’. With all these terms sitting under the BDSM belt it is easier to see exactly why BDSM can be extremely hard to define and is simply more straightforward to view as a way of life.

As well as being hard to define there are also no set practices within BDSM. For many, it is seen as a way to add an element of spice and enjoyment to their sex lives. Others can view BDSM as a way to gain fulfillment or a temporary release from everyday life, a kind of escape if you will. Still others will view it as a way to deepen the bond between partners. This list of varying views could continue but it is far simpler to point out that there are possibly as many views as there are people involved in the subject. Although the list of views varies dramatically the people behind them all share something in common and that something is known as SSC.

Like BDSM, SSC is also an acronym. It stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual. Safe means that precautions are taken to prevent harm or injury to those involved. Sane means that mental and emotional safety is also cared for and consensual almost speaks for itself; all parties involved agreeing to participate without coercion.

BDSM involves, but is not limited to, any one or a combination of the following practices. The practice is as varied as the people involved in it. The main thing is eroticism.

1. Bondage: refers to the practice of physically restraining a person, by means of devices such as handcuffs, rope, chains etc.

2. Discipline: refers to the process of punishing or being punished.

3. Sadism: refers to deriving pleasure of personal gratification from causing pain, suffering or cruelty.

4. Masochism: refers to deriving pleasure from mental, emotional or physical pain.

While the major sub-groupings of BDSM are within its own definition, it encompasses a very wide variety of practices, some being obvious and others not so obvious. They include;

1. Servitude or slavery

2. Spanking/flogging/canning/whipping

3. Suspension

4. Humiliation

5. Sadism/masochism

6. Sensory deprivation (Example, blindfolding)

7. Body piercing and tattooing

8. Movement restriction

9. Sensation-play (Example, tickling)

10. Medical procedures

What sort of people practice BDSM?

Contrary to the images imprinted in our minds by the media, BDSM is not necessarily hardcore sadism or pornography. People of all walks of life, from various backgrounds and nationalities, all sexual orientations, perform BDSM activities. Participants are, in most cases, normal well-adjusted, and respectable people in their communities. In fact as much as 50% of the population have a varying degree of interest in the subject and that’s with them being knowledgeable enough to know what it encompasses. If you include in those figures couples that may have restrained each other to a bed or the simple use of a blindfold you could expect that percentage to soar. Historically this behavior was listed as a psychological problem in a similar vain to masturbation and homosexuality. Today, however, as are homosexuality and masturbation becoming increasingly accepted in society, so is BDSM.

Is BDSM abuse?

People who practice it say they do so for fun. The emphasis is on SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual). It is not about dominance or forcing another person to do things they don’t want to do. It is about both parties doing what they do want to do. It involves two happy parties.

BDSM can also be subtle and highly erotic, as in the case of tickling or stimulating sensitive body parts with a feather, paintbrush or similar object. There may or may not be pain.

The majorities involved in BDSM share a heightened sense of responsibility and respect for their partners. BDSM has absolutely nothing to do with violence against a helpless victim. It is this kind of common misconception that responsible BDSM participants wish to dispel. Restraining a partner and beating them is not BDSM but simply brutality. The heightened sense of responsibility and respect often results in a positive side effect of superior levels of communication, which, in the BDSM world, is essential, and something that the majority of mainstream couples would be advised to adapt.

Responsible participants practice the use of good communication up front, the use of a ‘safe word’ which will stop the action immediately and a period of communication after any event to discuss what could be better for the next time.

Why BDSM?

There are as many reasons as there are people. The most obvious is good old fun. Some people do it to fulfill their fantasies. For others it is the role-playing. For some it is simply the feeling of dominance or submission. The list is endless.

One thing you can be sure of is that BDSM will always attract a certain curiosity. People will come from all genders and orientations establishing common ground between heterosexuals, homosexuals and any other orientation that you can think of. Before you dismiss BDSM and vouch that you would never participate in such an act or lifestyle, can you be so sure that you haven’t, to a certain degree, done so already?

Categories : Featured

Glossary of BDSM A – Z:

Posted on September 21, 2008 by Jarl Mezentius

Call It Kinky, Swinky or perverse, but I think we all have our “little things” that help make our sex lives different.

But what about swingers – is it enough that we Swing? I have had a few (ok, many) emails that ask about Fetishes and in particular about BDSM and Swinging.

The main things that are asked are about clubs – many offer an area for use in BDSM Play but can You really play out a full scene in them? I would say No – I know one couple that played in one of these areas and got told to stop as it was “too much” for the bystanders to take! They are now taking their play away from swingers clubs and to places where they know they will be able to “pink it up” without being told they are “abnormal”.

Many people both swingers and in the Vanilla world just think of BDSM as either being in pain or being the pain supplier but it is (apparently Lol) so much more than this.

To play out a scene you have to be in a safe zone and trust those you are not only Playing with but also those that may be Watching.

It may be that the Dom and the sub live their lives Fully in this way or just use it to “scene” every now and again. Some people do not even use BDSM as a sexual gratification but a simple way of life.

BDSM is an erotic experience and not just simply pain, it can be something as simple as spanking your partner or blindfolding them all the way to being dressed in full rubber suits with nothing but a straw to beathe through. The only thing that is important is that all parties are comfortable and are all on the same path emotionally. Communication as always, is they key to this particular lock!

There are many books, DVD’s and “how to” guides out there but the best way to learn is to take it slowly, find out what makes you tick, write a list of things that you think you may want to try and remember to laugh if it all goes wrong.

Being the helpful little soul I am I have a great glossary of BDSM A – Z:

Abrasion – To wear down the skin by using friction. Materials and toys such as sandpaper, steel wool, rough cloth, and bottlebrushes are often used. This increases sensitivity while giving both pleasure and pain.

Acomoclitic – Preference for hairless genitals

Acucullophilia – Sexual attraction to men who are circumcised.

Adult Babies – Age play wherein the submissive is the baby. This may include diapering, powdering, wearing a pacifier, sleeping in a crib, etc. Rarely taken to a 24/7 extreme.

Adult Toy Chest – A place where one keeps their sex toys. A sex toy box.

Age Play – play that involves assuming the role of someone of a different age. Most commonly, one of the adults takes on the younger role, usually in the submissive capacity.

Algophilia – Sexual arousal from experiencing pain

Allopellia – Reaching orgasm from watching other people in sexual activities.

Alligator Clamp – A type of nipple clamp with tips that have teeth resembling an alligators mouth. Most clamps of this style Come with removable rubber tips and have adjustment screws to limit how far they can close. Click Here

Altocalciphilia – High heel fetish

Anal Dildo – A dildo that is intended to be used with the anus as the receptor. Click Here

Anal Intercourse – Sex using the anus as the receptor.

Androminetophilia – Sexual arousal from female cross dressers

Ankle Cuffs – Attachable cuffs, generally made of leather, that enable a Dom to immobilize his submissive’s legs

Ankle Restraint – Any device including ankle cuffs that immobilize a submissiveness legs. Click Here

Animal Training – Training where the Dominant has his submissive play the part of an animal, such as horses and dogs. The most common is “puppy play”.

Asphyxiaphilia – see breath control

Autoclave – Professional sterilization device for piercing equipment.

Auto-erotic Asphyxiation – see breath control

Autogynephilia – Sexual arousal from cross-dressing

B&D, B/D, B/d – Bondage and Discipline. Although they go together in this phrase, they are not inextricably linked. Bondage means restraining someone in a helpless position (Such as being tied up.) Discipline is training a person to behave in a certain way. They tend to go together because Dominants tend to do both to their submissive.

BDSM – A popular acronym for activities inclusive of (but not limited to) Bondage, Domination/Discipline Submission/Sadism & Masochism. Also called WIITWD, an acronym for “What It Is That We Do.” Both mean this type of alternative Lifestyle. Sometimes the word “Bondage” has the same broad range meaning when used in a descriptive context.

BDSM Toy Box – A place where one keeps their BDSM gear or play equipment.

BJ – expression for blowjob (fellatio); ditto in the BDSM lifestyle.

Ball Gag – A device with a rubber ball and straps, which secures the ball in the bottom’s mouth to stifle screams. Click Here

Ball Stretching – The practice of stretching the scrotal sack so that it hangs lower using weights or other devices to pull on it above the testicles. As the sack is pulled, the testicles are squeezed leading to discomfort and sometime pain. Click Here

Ball Torture – Causing pain to the male testicles, also included in CBT or Cock and ball torture. Click Here

Ball Toys – Toys used for playing with the scrotum – such as weights, straps, etc. Click Here

Ball Weights – Weights used to stretch the scrotum. See Ball Stretching Click Here

BalletBoots – Extremely high heeled boots that require you to stand on the ends of your toes rather than the sole of your foot. Usually they have heels that are 8-9 inches and require considerable training and ability to walk in without assistance. Sometime also referred to as bondage boots. Click Here

Barbell – A straight piece of metal used in piercing, as opposed to a ring.

Basoexia – Sexual arousal from kissing

Bastinado – Foot torture involving the soles of the feet.

Beating – General term for such BDSM activities such as flogging caning, spanking, strapping, etc.

Belonephilia – Sexual arousal from use of needles

Belt – A leather strap used for striking the buttocks.

Blend Modality – Depilation (hair removal) using both electrolysis and thermolysis.

Blindfold – By blocking out sight – a common technique in SM scene – the bottom feels more vulnerable and increases the release of endorphins, thus contributing to the excitement in the scene. Click Here

Blood sports – A group of techniques in which the submissive’s skin is broken and blood is allowed to escape. Such as cutting, using needles, etc. See also “Edgeplay.”

Blowjob – Fellatio, head, sucking cock.

Body Art – Artful body modification including: piercing, tattoos and brandings.

Body Modification – Making alterations to the appearance of the body. Includes, but is not limited to, tattoos, piercings, brandings, scarification.

Body Shaving – Removal of hair with a razor. Female and male submissives commonly shave their pubic hair clean.

Bondage – Making a submissive physically helpless and to a great extent immobilized. Techniques include rope ties, handcuffs, leather cuffs, stocks and mummification.

Bootlicking – Licking and cleaning of a Dominant’s boots by a submissive is a common show of submission. Can also be a fetish.

Bottom – A submissive.

Boy – Term for male submissive (also spelled “boi”)

Boy Toy – A male who is submissive to a dominant. Dominant can be either male or female.

Branding – Making a permanent or semi-permanent scar on the skin by burning it with a heated metal object. Usually used by a Master to “mark” his slave as his property.

Brat – Term for a sub who tries to get the attention of a Dom/me by “acting up.”

Breast Bondage – Tying up the female breasts with rope.

Breast Press – A device that squeezes the breasts.

Breath Control – another type of “edgeplay” whereby the submissive’s breath is stopped for a short period of time to increase pleasurable sensations. Also called asphyxiaphilia, autoerotic asphyxiation, breath games, breathplay and hypoxyphilia. Very Dangerous.

Bukake – Sexual scene where many men masturbate on and give a “semen bath” to a willing submissive

Bullwhip – A long, heavy leather whip usually longer than 4 feet.

Butterfly Board – A wood board where a male’s scrotum can be nailed or pinned onto.

Buttplug – a “sextoy” shaped to fit into and stay inside the rectum.

Buttplug Harness – Usually a leather harness that prevents a buttplug from being removed either intentional or accidentally from the rectum. Click Here

Cage – A bondage practice, wherein the submissive is kept inside a cage. They can be so small as to restrict motion or large enough for two or more people.

Candle – A source of hot wax, which is dripped onto the bottom’s body in BDSM play.

Caning – Using a rattan cane (although they are made of many other substances) on a Submissive. Usually more severe than a flogging. Click Here

Cat – An old school expression for an old school BDSM tool of discipline – the “cat o nine tails”. Click Here

Cat O Nine Tails – a whip that has exactly 9 strands. Some have a knot at the end for increased sensation or sting. Click Here

Catheter – Flexible tube used in medicine; in BDSM catheters designed for the bladder, often utilized in ‘control’ scenes.

Cathterophilia – Sexual arousal from inserting a catheters

CBT – Cock and Ball Torture – Causing pain to the male genital area; usually in controlled, consensual BDSM scenes. Click Here

Chastity Belt – A device used to keep the submissive chaste when the Dominant is away. Comes in both male and female models. Click Here

Chains – Multi-use metal links; used to restrain, restrict movement and/or tie up a submissive.

Chezolagnia – masturbating while defecating

Circumcision – The cutting away of some or the entire foreskin, in males. In the female, circumcision usually refers to the removal of the clitoral hood.

Clamp – Generic term for any BDSM toy (even if garnered at a hardware store) that can clamp some body part of a submissive.

Clingfilm – Generic term for plastic wrap which is used in mummification scenes.

Clip – Generic term for any BDSM toy (even if garnered at a hardware store) that can clip some body part of a submissive.

Clitoridectomy – Surgical removal of the clitoris.

Clitorilingus – Tonguing the clitoris. Also called “eating” which is easier to pronounce.

Clothespins – wooden or plastic clothespins, typically used to produce pain sensation on the skin. Usually on nipples and genital areas.

Clover Nipple Clamps – Type of adjustable nipple clamps that tightens as it is pulled. Also known as Japanese Clover Nipple Clamps. Click Here

Coca-Cola Submissive – A submissive who only obeys the easy stuff or only when he/she feels like it.

Cock Cage – a CBT device that encase a penis shaft inside it. Can be either a solid or web design. Click Here

Cock Cuff – a chastity device that consists of a tube welded to a handcuff, usually both made of stainless stelel. The penis is slide into the tube and the handcuff closes behind the ball sack making removal all but impossible without unlocking the handcuff. A very effective chastity device. Click Here

Cock Ring – Rubber or metal ring that slips round base of cock and balls; supposed to increase duration of erection but also has D/s aspects to it.

Cock Strap – Leather or neoprene strap that wraps around the base of cock and balls to help improve erection.

Cock Sucking – see “fellatio” if you don’t already know.

Cock Torture – Cock and ball torture without the ball torture. Giving pain only to the penis shaft.

Color Codes – such as the hanky code of sexual preference.

Collar and Leash – Worn by the bottom during this type of BDSM play. The Dominant holds the leash and the bottom must follow and obey. Click Here and Click Here

Condom – Latex “rubber” that goes over the penis to prevent semen from entering a vagina. Also known as “rain coat” and “gym cap.”

Consent – To give approval. The BDSM code of “safe, sane and consensual” or “SSC” is the cornerstone of BDSM play. With consent being the most important.

Contract – A written agreement between D/s partners outlining the extent of their relationship. These contracts cannot be legally enforced, but they are often used to define the relationship. See also Slave Contracts.

Control – The Dominant should have control in one form or another over his submissive in any D/s relationship.

Coprolagnia – Sexual excitement derived from eating feces

Coprolalia – Sexual excitement from dirty words

Coprophilia – Gaining sexual pleasure from scat play.

Corporal Punishment – Retributive punishment using repetitive spankings and question and reply to change a bottom’s behavior.

Corset – Very popular clothing item that cinches and narrows the waist and gives the female an “hourglass” figure. Click Here

Crop – A type of whip used in horseback riding, quite popular in BDSM scenes. It stings and can mark a butt severely, but is easy to master and quite reasonable in price. Click Here

Cross – see St. Andrew’s Cross.

Cross Dressing – Dressing in clothing worn by the opposite sex. Does not indicate sexually preference in any way.

Crucifixion – BDSM play wherein a submissive is tied to a cross.

Cuff – A metal or leather bondage device that locks round a limb and can be used to immobilize the sub’s limbs. Click Here

Cunnilingus – Licking and sucking the cunt.

Cunt Torture – Stimulation or pain inflicted on the female genitals. Click Here

Cupping – The placing of suction devices on the skin to increase blood flow. Typically these are used on the nipples and the genitalia. Increasing the blood flow increase sensation as well.

Cutting – Cutting the submissive’s skin with a sterile knife. These can be either temporary or permanent. Made permanent by putting sterile foreign substances into them before they heal. Not for beginners.

DM – Acronym for Dungeon Monitor. In a BDSM play party, they watch the scenes to make sure house rules are followed and the play is safe.

DP – Double penetration.

D/s – Popular abbreviation for Dominance and submission. A relationship between a Top and bottom where one is Dominant and the other submissive. Can be for a scene or can be a long-term relationship or anything in between. (Also called Dom-sub, DS, D/S, D&S.)

Dacryphilia – Sexual arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of one’s partner. Something sadists sometimes find enjoyable or arousing.

Daddy – A role taken on by some dominants; especially common in age play.

Depilation – Removal of hair. Many Dominants require their submissive to shave certain areas, their whole body or just their pubic hair.

Dildo – A manufactured penis-shaped object.

Discipline – Whipping, spanking, verbal orders, etc for the purpose of training a submissive.

Dittle Sound – A straight urethral sound.

Dog-Training – Role-play games involving treating the bottom as a dog. Similar to Pony Training where the bottom is treated like a pony.

Dom – Short for Dominant.

Dominant – A Top. who controls a bottom, submissive, or slave.

Domination – Taking the Dominant role – controlling the bottom’s behavior, it can be role-play or in a D/s relationship.

Dominatrix – A Domme; it implies being a professional.

Domme – A female Dominant. Can also be used interchangeably with Mistress

Double Penetration – Simultaneous penetration of the ass and Pussy.

Douche, Douching – Injecting of a liquid, usually water, into the asshole or pussy, usually for hygiene purposes prior to sex or ass play.

Duct Tape – Also known as gaffer’s tape; used in many BDSM scenes (such as taping the submissive’s mouth shut).

Dungeon – Dramatic term for a BDSM or Bondage playroom.

EMS Unit – see Tens Unit

Ecdyosis – Sexual arousal from stripping in front of an audience

Ecdysiast – A stripper

Edgeplay – Technically, this refers to knife play. But it has come to mean anything “on the edge.” Or considered “Extreme” It can even include fisting, asphyxia, play piercings, needle play, etc. One person’s edge can be another’s norm so there are no hard and fast rules defining what “edgeplay” is.

Edgeplayer – A person who partakes in edgeplay.

Electrical Play – Using electricity for stimulation. Professionally made electrical units are to be used – like the “tens” unit and the “violet wand.” Not for beginners.

Electrolysis – Permanent electric hair removal.

Electrotorture -Another, more dramatic, term for electrical play.

Emasculation – Permanent removal of the male sex organs. Sometimes simulated through the use of a chastity device or through a dominants restrictions forbidding typical male behavior such a urinating while standing.

Endorphin – A chemical produced in the body that seems to be involved in regulating the perception of pain. Endorphins give a “rush” similar to adrenaline (which is released simultaneously) and it is speculated that their release is the cause of the Phenomenon known as “subspace.”

Enema – A thorough anal douche using a bag and tube.

Enema Play – Using the enema as a BDSM device in play.

Enforced Chastity – Chastity play where the Dom controls a sub’s sexual frequency and ability to experience sexual pleasure, usually with a chastity belt or other chastity device.

Extreme Restraints – A Bondage device that is very strict or terribly confining, usually not something used on beginners.

Face Fucking – another term for a blowjob. .

Fainting – A temporary loss of consciousness. Caused by lack of oxygen to the brain, can happen during extreme BDSM play – such as breath control, long pain sessions, etc. Can be dangerous (brain damage) when caused by breath control play.

Felching – Imbibing semen out of the vagina or anus

Fellatio – Giving head, a blow-job (BJ), going down on someone, being face fucked: the act of sucking or licking a penis, or having a penis inserted in the mouth.

Fellatrix – Someone whose specialty is Fellatio.

Femdom – A female dominant

Female Domination – Being controlled or lead by a female.

Fetish, Fetishism – An unusual obsession with something. Like a leather fetish, a latex fetish or a shoe fetish. Fetishes are only limited by the human imagination.

Fetish Attire – Clothes that reflect the wearer’s particular fetish, such as leather, latex, rubber or high heels.

Financial Domination – Controlling another’s financial matters or money.

Fire Play – The use of fire in sexual play.

Fisting – also called fist fucking and FF. Attempting to place the whole hand into the rectum or vagina. Must be done with great care and sterility. Can provide exceptional orgasms.

Flagellation – BDSM-related whipping, beating and spanking for erotic stimulation.

Flogger – a multi-tailed leather implement.

Flogging – using a “flogger” on a submissive.

Foley Catheter – Type of catheter that can be inflated with sterile water.

Foot Worship – A foot fetish where the submissive worships the Dominants feet, usually in high heel shoes or boots.

Freeplay – BDSM play where there is no Domination or submission.

Frenum – Piercing the surface of the penis shaft.

Forced Lactation – Continual stimulation and sucking of the female nipple can sometimes produce milk. Also known as forced breast milking

Gaffer’s Tape – see Duct Tape.

Galateism – Sexual attraction to statues

Gauge – System of grading the thickness. The lower the number, the thicker the wire or material.

Genitorture – Pain play involving the genitals. (See Ball Torture, Cock and Ball Torture, Cunt Torture).

Gerontophilla – Preference for sex with the elderly

Go Down On – Still another of the endless terms for fellatio.

Golden Showers – Urination play. Also called (duh) “piss play.” And GS.

Gym Cap – Slang for condom.

Gynemimetophilia – Person sexually aroused by a female impersonator

Hafada – Piercing through the upper part of the scrotum.

Handcuffs – Commonly used BDSM device to restrain the wrists.

Hanky Code – Old guard leather community’s color code of sexual preference.

Harness – Elaborate bondage device made with leather straps worn on the body

Harpaxophilia – Arousal from being robbed

Hedralingus – Licking someone’s anus (also called rimming.)

Henna – A brown dye made from the leaves of the henna plant. Used in temporary tattoos.

High Heels – Popular objects of foot fetishists, along with boots.

Hobble Skirt – Very narrow skirt that restricts the wearer’s ability to take anything other than tiny steps.

Homilophilia – Sexual arousal from hearing sermons

Hood – A head covering, usually made of leather, that the Dominant wears to increase the “fear factor” in a BDSM scene or a submissive is made to wear to provide some degree of sensory deprivation.

Horse – In bondage, it is a modification of a sawhorse over which a submissive can be tied. Sometimes called a spanking bench.

Hypophilia – Breath play wherein sexual pleasure is derived from limiting the intake of oxygen. Usually accomplished by temporary choking. Very Dangerous.

Iantronudia – Sexual arousal from exposing oneself to a medical doctor

Iconolagny – Sexual arousal from statues of nude people

Immobilization – Extreme form of bondage where no body parts can move, one example is mummification. Not for beginners.

Infantilism – Role-play as a young child for sex play

Infibulation – closing off, obstructing or modifying, either permanently or temporarily, the male or female genitalia so as to alter or prevent the conduct of sexual intercourse.

John – A person who patronizes prostitutes.

Japanese Clover Nipple Clamps – Type of adjustable nipple clamps that tightens as it is pulled. General preferred because they won’t easily slip off.

Kleptolagnia – Sexual arousal from stealing

Klismaphilia – Sexual arousal from giving or getting enemas

Knife Play – A specific form of “edgeplay” where the Dominant uses a knife to either cut or tease the submissive.

Knot – The easiest way to fasten rope in bondage.

Knismolagnia – Sexual arousal from tickling

Kolpeuryntomania – Sexual arousal from forced dilation of the vagina

Lactaphilia – Sexual arousal from lactating breasts

Lash – A strike from a whip, paddle, crop or flogger.

Latex Play – Play which uses paint on latex.

Leather – One of the most popular of fetish materials; many get excited by the look and/or feel of leather clothing, boots, etc.

Legcuffs – large handcuffs intended to be used to immobilize or restrict movement of the ankles

Leg Irons – Steel ankle cuffs. Patterned after British prisoner restraints. “Put him in irons!”

Limit – The point beyond which a submissive does not allow the Dominant to go. It can be a “soft limit” which can change over time, or a “hard limit” which is more or less written in stone. For example, a submissive might say, “fisting is my hard limit.” Or soft!

Lorum – Piercing through the skin on the underside of the penis.

Lunge Whip – see Quirt.

Ma’am – Term of respect for a female Dominant.

M/s – Master/slave. (Also, less popularly, MS, M&S or M-s)

Macrogenitalism – Sexual arousal from outsized genitals

Maid – Popular role-play where the submissive dresses up – and acts like – a maid.

Maieusiophilia – Sexual arousal from pregnant women

Malacca – A thick cane.

Maledom, male dom – A male Dominant.

Male Domination – BDSM play where a male is the one in control or who controls the submissive.

Mammagymnophilia – Sexual arousal from female breasts

Manacle – Metal restraints.

Martinet – Small flogger.

Masochist – One who gets pleasure from pain.

Master – Dominant, controlling partner in a D/s relationship, where the submissive partner is known as the slave.

Medical Scene – BDSM scene involving medical scenarios.

Menophilist – Sexual arousal from women on their period

Mentor – A teacher or advisor who often shows a “newbie” around the world of BDSM and D/s. Mistress – Female analogue of Master.

Merinthophilia – Sexual arousal from bondage

Mistress – Female counterpart for Master, a female dominant.

Mommy – Analogue of Daddy in BDSM play. Sometimes submissives call their Mistress “Mommy.”

Mousetraps – Used as a BDSM device for nipple torture. A severe and pain cheap nipple clamp.

Mummification – A unique kind of bondage scene in which the whole body is wrapped tightly in a film – typically plastic wrap. (You NEVER thought it would be used for that, did you?). Not for beginners.

Nailing – BDSM play where the scrotum or breasts are nailed to a board.

Nasogastric tube – Used in control scenes such as forced feeding.

Nasolingus – Sexual arousal from nose sucking

Necrochlesis – Sex with a corpse

Necrophilia – Sexual gratification from sex with the dead

Needle Play – another “edgeplay” where sterilized needles are inserted through the top layer of the skin (the epidermis). Most popularly it is done underneath and around the female nipple and the breast. Not for beginners.

Negotiation – discussing hard and soft limits and related items of BDSM taste before any play or relationship begins. It helps in defining Safe, Sane and Consensual between the dominant and submissive.

Newbie – Someone new to something such the BDSM play or lifestyle.

Nipple Clamps – Devices that clamp onto the nipples. Weights can be attached to stretch the nipples. Nipple Clamps often provide increased stimulation which can involve pain and pleasure. See Also, Japanese Clover Nipple Clamps, Alligator Nipple Clamps, Tweezer Nipple Clamps

Nipple Rings – Jewelry that looks like small hoop earrings that are inserted through pierced nipples. Another popular jewelry style for pierced nipples is the barbell. There also non-permanent nipple rings which stay attached by pinching the nipple.

Nipple Torture – To cause pain to the nipples. Typically by using nipple clamps, needles, mousetraps, pulling and twisting, etc.

Nipple Shield – Decorative nipple jewelry the encircles or even covers the nipple.

Nipple Weights – Usually weights suspended from either nipple clamps or from nipple piercings.

Novice – see Newbie.

Oculolictus – Eyeball-licking

Odaxelangnia – Sexual arousal from biting

Odontophilia – A tooth fetish

Ophidiophilia – Sexual arousal from snakes

Oral Sex – Sex involving contact between mouth and any other sexual organ.

Orogastric Tube – A tube from mouth to stomach. Used in force feeding scenes. Not for beginners.

Osphresiolagnia – Sexual arousal from foul smells

OTK – “Over the Knee” spanking were the subject is placed over the lap of the person administering the spanking.

PA – see Prince Albert.

PE – see Power Exchange.

Paddle – A flat instrument used for spanking purposes; usually made of wood or some other rigid material.

Padlock – Common type of lock used in BDSM play. Use to secure bondage restraints, securely fasten chain links together, as labia weights, etc.

Pain – Pain causes the release of endorphins that is thought causes the submissive to go into subspace.

Pain Games – BDSM play involving pain.

Pain Slut – Popular expression for a submissive who loves pain. Also a masochist

Pain Threshold – The point at which stimulation becomes pain.

Pansexuality – BDSM activities encompassing all sexualities, heterosexual, homosexual, trangender, etc.

Parachute Ball Stretcher – A toy resembling a parachute from which weights can be suspended in ball torture scenes.

Phallophilia – Fetish for large penises. Something most women have.

Permanent Piercing – Piercing the body in order to insert jewelry that is intended to be worn on at least a semi-permanent basis.

Piss Play – see Water Sports, Golden Showers.

Play Piercing – Piercing the body temporarily. All piercings are removed at the end of the session.

Podophilia – See Foot Fetish

Pony Play – Role-play scene where the submissive takes on the role of a pony. Can be very elaborate.

Power Exchange – The dynamic whereby the Dominant is consensually given power over the submissive, whether for just the scene or for a relationship. Sometimes called Total Power Exchange or TPE.

Press Style Nipple Clamps – These are nipple clamps that press the nipple between two pieces of metal usually forced together by a thumb screw. The thumb screw allows them to be squeezed tight or jut enough to stay in place.

Prince Albert – Also known as a PA. A male piercing between the urethra and the underside of the penis. Not named after the Prince of Monaco.

Puppy Play – Perhaps the most popular of animal RPGs. Here, the submissive actually mimics a puppy. Sometimes it can evolve into a lifestyle where the “puppy” even sleeps in a cage.

Pushy Bottom – Old school phrase for a very demanding bottom. Associated with Topping from the bottom.

Pussy Torture – The use of BDSM devices – such as clamps – on the female gential area to produce pain.

Pygmalianism – Sex with statues or inanimate objects

Pygophilemania – Sexual arousal from kissing butt cheeks

Quirt – A type of buggy whip used for whipping the submissive. Easier and safer to use than a bullwhip.

RPG – Abbreviation for Role Play Games.

Rack – Bondage furniture patterned after the infamous torture device of the Inquisition. The bottom is put on it and “stretched” – but not in the extreme fatal way.

Real Life or Real Time – r/l or r/t – as opposed to virtual or cyber life.

Red – Most common safe word meaning stop.

Restraint – Limiting the bottom’s movement with the use of various bondage gear, equipment or devices.

Restriction – Limiting the bottom’s behavior or physical movement.

Riding Crop – see Crop.

Rimming – Tongue contact with the rectum or asshole.

Ring Gag – A device that keeps the submissive’s mouth wide open. Also called a “piss gag”

Role Play Games – Taking fantasy roles in BDSM scenes. For example, nurse or doctor/patient, etc.

Rope – The most common of bondage equipment.

Rubber – After leather, the most popular fetish material.

SAM – Smart Assed Masochist. A pseudo submissive who attempts to control everything the dominant does.

S&M – Sadism and masochism. One who enjoy administering pain and one who enjoys receiving pain.

S/m – Modern term for S & M. Also SM, S/M, SMer

Sadist – An individual who enjoys causing pain. The term dates back to the Marquis de Sade.

Sadomasochism – The perversion of taking pleasure, especially sexual gratification from simultaneous sadism and masochism.

Safe, Sane and Consensual – A popular slogan in the BDSM world meaning that play should always be safe, with good judgment exercised. And, most importantly, it MUST be consensual.

Safe Word – A word or phrase a submissive can use to stop his or her scene. It is absolute. If a Dominant disregards a submissive’s safe word, that Dominant is considered “unsafe.” The most common safe word is “RED!” Some also use a caution word such as “Yellow” to signify that the dominant is approaching a limit.

Saint Andrew’s Cross – A popular piece of BDSM furniture where a submissive can be conveniently tied or cuffed to it and rendered immobile. It looks like a big cross!

Safe Sex – Using condoms and taking all necessary health precautions during sex.

Saran Wrap – Brand of cling film used in mummification scenes.

Scat – Fecal play. An abbreviation for “scatological.”

Scene – A BDSM session. Can be used to refers to “public scene” at a party where the participants let others watch or a “Private scene” where just the dominant and submissive are present.

Schoolgirl Role-play – Popular RPG wherein the submissive is the “bad school girl” and the Dominant is the “teacher.”

Self-Bondage – The practice of performing bondage on oneself by oneself.

Shackle – Metal or leather bondage restraint device consisting of round cuffs joined by a chain or bar.

Shaving – It is very common in BDSM for submissives to shave their pubic hair.

Shoe Fetish – One who enjoys shoes. Popular fetish, even in the vanilla world.

Slapper – Rigged paddle modified to make a loud sound.

Slave – A term used interchangeably with “submissive.” Some consider a slave a more extreme version of a submissive.

Slave Contract – A signed consensual contract, wherein a submissive or slave cedes to the Dom or Master a specified set of powers over her for a set period of time. Although legally unenforceable, it is still a powerful document between dominant and slave

Sound – Medical device to be inserted into the urethra in medical play. Also called “urethral sounds.”

Spanking – To slap on the buttocks with the open hand, or a short flat object such as a paddle or a hairbrush. Used as both punishment and/or in role-play context in BDSM scenes.

Spanking Bench – BDSM furniture, a variation on the saw horse, onto which a submissive is attached (by cuffs, rope, etc.) for the Dominant to spank and play with.

Speculum – Medical device intended for opening and examining the rectum or vagina; used mostly in “doctor/medical scene” play.

Spencer Paddle – Type of wooden paddle with holes drilled though it.

Spreader Bar – A long metal rod that holds the submissive legs, thighs or even wrists wide apart.

Stigmatophilia – Sexual attraction to those with body modifications or tattoos

Stocks – A piece of bondage furniture patterned after the Puritan model. The head and hands go through holes while the submissive is standing.

Straitjacket, Straightjacket – Confining device used mostly in psychiatric wards to restrain the insane. It is intended to prevent the movement of the arms and is usually impossible to remove without assistance.

Strangling – see Breath Control.

Strapon – A belt or harness that has a dildo attached. IT allows the wearer the ability to fuck another either in the vagina or anus.

Strapping – Another term for a “beating”.

Sub – see Submissive.

Subby – see Submissive.

Subbie – see Submissive.

Submission – The act of submitting to the will and desire of another, usually within negotiated limits.

Submissive – An individual who consents to give up power to a Dominant. This can be for any duration – for an hour or a lifetime.

Subspace – A state of mind and body – often like a trance – caused by endorphins emitted during a BDSM scene.

Surface Burn – A temporary brand, usually produced with copper wire heated less hot than steel used in making a permanent brand.

Surface Piercing – Temporary piercing through the skin’s surface.

Suspension – suspending a submissive with ropes, webbing or chain so that no part of the body touches the floor. Not recommended for beginners.

Switch – A person who can both Top and bottom depending on the situation and his partner. Many switches have switches as partners.

24/7 – A 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. At all times.

TENS Unit – Acronym for Transcutaneous Electrical Neural Stimulation unit. Used for sexual stimulation is electrical play scenes. See also Violet Wand.

TPE – Total Power Exchange; term reserved for established 24/7 Master/slave relationships.

TT – Tit torture.

Temporary Piercing – Piercing the body temporarily. All piercings are removed at the end of the session. Same as play piercing.

Thermolysis – A form of electrical hair removal.

Thong Whip – A whip made of thing strands of either leather or rubber. When swing lightly it will not cause much pain, when swung hard it can cause considerable pain.

Timophilia – Sexual arousal from wealth, yet another thing most females have even if the wont admit to it.

Top – A Dominant, the person who is in charge or has control.

Topping from the bottom – This is where a submissive dictates the action in a scene, something that is highly frowned upon. Can also be used in real time context. When a submissive becomes too demanding.

Torture – term meaning to cause pain.

Toy, BDSM – Any piece of equipment used in a BDSM scene.

Tragus – Piercing through the ridge on the face side of the ear hole.

Transgender – Not quite male, not quite female.

Transgenderism – incorporating manners, behaviors, appearance, etc of the opposite sex while still maintaining some of the above of your biological sex.

Tweezer Nipple Clamps – A style of nipple clamp that is like a pair of tweezers with a ring around the outside. As you push the ring toward the pincher ends, it causes the clamp to tighten or bite harder.

Urethral Play – Play involving the urethra, the tube that runs between the bladder and the outside of the body. Not for beginners.

Urethral Sound – Medical device to be inserted into the urethra in medical play.

Urolagnia – Sexual excitement from urine or the act of urination

Vacuum Pumping – Using the suction of a vacuum to increase the size of body parts.

Vampirism – Sexual arousal caused by drinking blood

Vanilla – People not in the BDSM or Fetish lifestyle. Most people, whether admitted or not have some sort of fetish.

Violet Wand – An electric device usually in form of a glass cylinder, which uses the effect of high frequency electric charges to apply intense stimulation.

Virtual life or Virtual Time – v/l or v/t – often used to describe “online life” as opposed to r/l (real life).

WS – see Water Sports.

Water Sports – The sexual enjoyment of urine play. Also called Golden Showers (or GS).

Wattenburg Wheel – A medical pinwheel that is commonly used in BDSM play to stimulate or cause a feeling sensation.

Wax Play – Play in which the Dominant brings hot wax on the submissive’s skin.

Web – A bondage device, popular in many dungeons, created with ropes that are spun like a spider’s web.

Weights – Used to stretch body parts such as nipples and labia; usually attached to clamps or piercings.

Whip – Usually made of leather with a medium size handle and long braided leather strings.

Whipping Post – In olden times, a post to which offenders were fastened for whippings. Reproductions are sometimes used in BDSM dungeons.

Zelophilia – Sexual arousal from jealousy

Categories : Featured

Kinky sex makes for happy people | Straight.com

Posted on December 15, 2007 by Jarl Mezentius

Streaming Audio [ 0.01 MB ]

Feature Articles | Kinky sex makes for happy people | Straight.com
By Pieta Woolley
Publish Date: November 22, 2007

The Brentwood Town Centre food court was, during lunch time on November 6, not an obvious hub of sexuality. Diners hunched over the bolted-down tables, ingesting soft meat burritos and fried rice. Most ate alone in silence. But to sex-positive activist Jennifer Skrukwa, there was nothing flaccid about such an ordinary crowd.

“I’ll bet 40 percent of the people here are kinky,” she told the Georgia Straight in an interview at the food fair. “But do they label their kinks? Surely there’s a lot of people here who like to have their nipples pinched really hard before they come. Or get scratched. Or feel the full weight of someone lying on top of them. Or have their bums spanked a couple of times a year. I’ll bet there’s a woman here who likes to dress up in heels and bustiers. And that man over there wearing a Betty Boop jacket, he’s probably wearing red silk undies. Someone here has got his wife’s panties in his pocket and sniffs them each time he goes to the washroom today.

“These people are alive with sex. But many of them are denying that they are.”

Skrukwa isn’t a denier, inside or out. At the food fair, she wore a turquoise lace tank, push-up bra, and black stilettos. Her lipstick was perfectly applied, her eyes popped under heavy mascara, and her long dark hair was immaculately teased and sprayed. That evening, at the Love Nest sex store across from Metrotown, she taught cock-sucking to a full house.

Vancouver wants what she is selling. The 35-year-old mom leads 170 workshops per year on subjects ranging from “butt sex and anal pleasure” to “finding and stimulating the G-spot”, which features a live demonstration “where you can actually see the G-spot spurt”, she said. Skrukwa claims she’s hosted about 7,000 people each year since she started her business, Libido Events ( libidoevents.com/ ), eight years ago. On Saturday (November 24), she’s throwing a 120-person sex party at 595 Hornby Street that will include: eight queen-sized beds; one bondage suspension rack; a sex room; a dance floor; a flogging station; 4,800 square feet in which to frolic; and a set of house rules.

This isn’t porn or prostitution. It’s grownups of diverse sexual preferences consensually and shamelessly getting their freak on. And Vancouver has become one giant sexy experiment, with Generations Y and X leading the way.

Sin City’s fetish nights at Gastown’s Club 23 West attract 500 naughty schoolgirls, goths, and others monthly and boast 1,085 Facebook members. Kitsilano’s Art of Loving offers classes in sexual massage, kissing, how to “make her moan”, and other subjects. The CY Club, Vancouver’s oldest swinging club, offers “hump day” once a month. The two-year-old Club Eden, a warehouse-sized club in Delta, charges $50 for a couples membership, $90 per event, and another $100 to stay overnight. This summer, it expanded to Calgary. “Polyamorists” (those who love more than one person) are finding each other on the Web, and UBC PhD candidate Danielle Duplassie believes their numbers may reach the thousands in B.C.

“There seems to be a trend that one person cannot meet all of another person’s needs,” she told the Straight . “There’s certainly a trend to more openness.”

This is just the tip. Almost every night of the month, there’s some easy-to-find kinky event where consenting adults can get off.

But are you getting any? You, Straight reader, who bought into the monogamous “lifestyle”, as sanctioned by society, law, the church, the synagogue, the temple, and the mosque. How much sex are you having?

In the absence of any recent, local, decently sampled research on sexual frequency, it’s impossible to know just what you and your neighbours are up to. In his work, local sex therapist David McKenzie refers to The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States , by Edward O. Laumann, John H. Gagnon, Robert T. Michael, and Stuart Michaels (University of Chicago Press, 1994). They found that about 10 percent of adults are sexually inactive, and about a quarter have sex a few times a year or not at all. In total, they found, 60 percent of adults are having sex a few times a month or less. Not exactly burning up the bedrooms.

Burnaby counsellor Dawn Schooler sees plenty of Generation Y and Xers who are having no sex. In fact, that’s a trend that is going to worsen, she predicted to the Straight in a phone interview.

“There’s a growing isolation,” she said. “Leisure time is spent in solitary pursuits, on the Internet, iPods, video games. They don’t learn to have social relationships.” As for monogamous couples, she said of those she sees in her practice, they’re simply too busy to have sex, thanks to work, the high cost of living, and children.

Skrukwa’s answer is kink. Get kinky and get some.

“For me, it started when a partner asked me to wear high-heeled shoes in bed,” she recalled. “Stilettos. So I started wearing shoes for him, and it spiralled.” She tried out an S&M club. “It was not my cup of tea, but I was captivated by the idea that you can be in a space where people accept you for what you want.”

Now, with a female partner of six years, a male partner of one year, and a growing business helping folks sort out their freaks, Skrukwa is at the helm of the mainstreaming of kink in Vancouver, for the sake of keeping everyone’s sex life alive.

Lulu West was 29 the first time she strapped on an oversized, sparkly, clear-jelly dildo, paired it with stockings, garters, and a corset, and braved a fetish night with some girlfriends. With a one-year-old at home, she hadn’t been out for a couple of years. She panicked before going.

“But after about five minutes, I loved the titillation, the dancing, the eye candy, the outfits,” she told the Straight in an Oak Street coffee shop. “There was a really beautiful bleached-blond lady who was bending all these guys over a pool table, and they were begging her to spank them. She had a huge hickory switch, and she was laughing and having a good time, swatting them with it. At the end, she pulled out her boob and squeezed breast milk all over their bums and rubbed it in all over.”

West paused and her eyes opened wide.

“And I thought, ‘Wow! I’m not bored! Check this out!’”

Avoiding boredom is a big motivator for West. Now married, she still goes to fetish nights and adult play parties with permission from her husband. She’s allowed to do anything except have sex with men–though she frequently has “dildo sex” with women. For her, she said, it keeps her primary relationship fresh and her work as a federal civil servant more tolerable.

“I love my husband, but everybody gets bored,” she said. “Sometimes you just want to colour outside the lines. It makes you energized. You feel sexier [after a party], and you get a mood boost for days.…When you go out, you bring back something new, something you saw or did. And you can play with that for a while. Play with your thoughts, the things you saw. Have a fantasy.”

West looked to the existing scene to freshen her sex life, but SFU student Scott Barnes simply introspected. Nine years ago, Barnes was 17 and travelling across Canada with his girlfriend. In Montreal, he met another woman. He asked his girlfriend, “If I sleep with this other woman, does that mean we have to break up?” She thought that didn’t make sense. So Barnes began a two-year “freeing and liberating” sexual era in his life: lots of partners, lots of sex.

Next, he spent seven years in an almost sex-free monogamous relationship.

“Her sex drive waned so dramatically,” he explained to the Straight in a phone interview. “For four years, we had no sex. It really reinforced to me the reasonableness of being nonmonogamous.”

Recently, he fell “madly and completely in love” with a woman. He explained to her his preference for nonmonogamy. She considered it. Tragically, he said, the same day he realized he didn’t need anyone else, she broke up with him over the issue. So now he’s buying flowers, trying to lure her back.

To help himself and others sort through the issues, Barnes started a Facebook group called Poly-Monogamy: An Inquiry Into Open Relationships. After heated on-line debates and private thoughts, his conclusion is, “Except for those who enshrine a coherent set of principles–like Roman Catholic or fundamentalist Muslim marriage, unless it’s that strict–I think everyone wants something different out of their relationships.”

That conclusion, and Barnes and West’s own histories, are consistent with their demographic, according to sex counsellor McKenzie. Those under 40, he said, are far more willing to try kink and open relationships than their seniors. In the six years since McKenzie started his practice, the biggest change he’s seen is the more liberal attitudes of many of his clients toward swinging.

“Sex is not the big bogeyman for them that it was for us,” he told the Straight in a phone interview. “Generation Y saw their parents get divorced, and they don’t want to divorce. At the same time, there’s a deep need for variety.”

Indeed, if Skrukwa is at the helm of nonmonogamy in Vancouver, Barnes and West are tossed about by the waves.

A young Barnes saw a marriage close to him disintegrate under the pressure of monogamy. The woman didn’t want sex; the man did. And in the long term, their solution looked a lot like his first nonmonogamous relationship–only unhappy, and without her consent. Why, he wonders, shouldn’t the man be up-front about his desire for everyone’s sake?

West estimated that about a third of her friends are open to the kink scene. It’s a relief after the mainstream dating scene, she said.

“I wasted a lot of time before,” she said. “I used to go to the regular clubs endlessly, trying to be charming. I think people really misrepresent themselves there. Guys can rob you emotionally when they’re not honest [about being nonmonogamous]. In the kink scene, you’re just out there, asking for exactly what you want.”

In West’s experience, though, the other two-thirds of folk are too scared or unmotivated to break out of their low-sex lives. Television sucks the sex drives out of plenty of friends who don’t participate in kink, she said. For others, “they’re in serious ‘no’ mode,” she relayed. For undefined reasons, West said, some refuse because of amorphous “values” or “judgments”.

Monogamy is not working, according to Duplassie, the founder and director of Burnaby’s Shanti Counselling Centre. Divorce is almost at 50 percent; affairs are epidemic; and those who claim to be monogamous often simply go from one partner to the next–hardly the definition of the word.

Her PhD thesis in counselling psychology addresses polyamory. She hopes that a better clinical understanding of the subject will aid counsellors in helping those with more than one partner.

Duplassie started her research when, two years ago, she found herself to be in love with two people. At a conference she attended in Ottawa, she talked about the idea of polyamory.

“My questions were shut down,” she told the Straight during an interview at a Commercial Drive coffee shop. “They said, ‘I wonder what polyamorists are running away from?’ and I thought, ‘Wow. That’s ignorant.’ I wanted to research women who can speak to that experience, without the pathological viewpoint.”

What she’s found so far is that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of Vancouverites who identify as polyamorous, and probably many more who consensually have more than one partner, without self-labelling. And–apart from the December 2006 issue of the U.K.–based Sexualities on-line journal, which was devoted to polyamory–there’s very little recent academic research on nonmonogamy, Duplassie has found. Canadian laws governing marriage and benefits don’t support it; universities don’t study it; the pharmaceutical companies would rather medicate low sex drives than promote alternative sexual expression; and society does not yet embrace it, she said. Yet lots and lots of people are doing it, in spite of all that.

The growth of kink is good news to John Ince, the leader of the Vancouver-based Sex Party ( sexparty.ca/ ). Those in their 20s and 30s, he echoed, are the most sexually liberal generation. But they fall apart politically. To have a true sex-positive culture, he said, the laws must change. Censorship must be restricted; sex education should teach positive, gradual skills; public nudity should be allowed; sex work must be legalized–among many other provincial and federal changes listed in the party’s on-line platform.

“It disturbs me that the most sex-positive component of the culture is the least likely to vote,” he told the Straight on the phone. “It’s a problem for the entire progressive community.”

Youth in Vancouver enjoy a comparatively free sexual stage, he said, including: Wreck Beach; a thriving destination gay scene; a diverse indoor sex industry largely unhampered by police; a fetish community; and “Porn North”, the emerging sex-entertainment industry.

Still, Ince said, there’s a long way to go. He pointed to Surrey’s recent stir over the nudists who wanted to use the Newton Wave Pool as a prime example.

For Skrukwa, though, it’s not about politics. It’s about the small, personal barriers holding people back from embracing sex positivity. Breaching the subject with your partner. Going to a first event. Even Vancouver’s casual fashion scene is a cold shower on sexuality.

“I always have heels on,” Skrukwa explained. “If you want to feel sexy, you have to do something about it. If you feel like the same old craptacular image wearing your washed-out whatevers, you’re not eye candy. Sexy is as sexy does. And most men like a pair of heels.”

If, as Ince says, youth are apolitical, the redefinition of what mainstream sexuality is for the 21st century depends on the personal decisions of folk like Skrukwa, West, Barnes, and Duplassie. They’re voting with their feet–and minds and sexy bits–for nonmonogamy.

Categories : News

28th Exotic Erotic Ball – the biggest ever!

Posted on October 16, 2007 by Jarl Mezentius

Welcome to Perry Mann’s 28th Exotic Erotic Ball – the biggest ever!
It’s part Mardi Gras, part burlesque, and part rock concert, yet totally unique. The Exotic Erotic Ball is a celebration of human sexuality and freedom of expression. It’s a lingerie, fetish, masquerade affair.

It features non-stop entertainment of limitless variety. Attendees will see and hear live music, top DJs, erotic performers, exotic dancers, wild sideshows and playful interactive fun on multiple stages. We have learned we cannot describe the scope of our live entertainment in one paragraph.

However, we can say that our Main Stage alone features three bands, 20 burlesque acts, 5 hilarious games (Masochism Tango and Lesbian First Kiss among them), as well as our three contests which will crown Best Costume, Mr.Exotic Erotic, and Ms.Exotic Erotic; our Bling Bling stage features top DJ’s and electronic entertainment; our Fetish stage features fetish and bondage, latex, body painting, and a little bit of flogging; and our Burlesque stage features dance and novelty acts. For more details on our live entertainment, click here. Our Exotic Erotic Expo features 100 specially selected vendors who will showcase the latest in exotic fashion, erotic art, adult products, games, and novelties, and the fittingly offbeat. The Expo is open during the Ball, to Ball ticketholders only. (It is also open on Friday October 27 from 2PM to 10PM and on Saturday afternoon October 27 from noon to 6PM to non-Ball attendees for only $20.)

Categories : Events

Exotic Erotic

Posted on by Jarl Mezentius

“It’s part Mardi Gras, part burlesque, and part rock concert, yet totally unique. The Exotic Erotic Ball is a celebration of human sexuality and freedom of expression. It’s a lingerie, fetish, masquerade affair.

Categories : Events

Exotic Erotic Ball Celebrates 28th Year

Posted on August 15, 2007 by Jarl Mezentius

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

SAN FRANCISCO — The 28th annual Exotic Erotic Ball and Expo, the internationally acclaimed Celebration of Flesh, Fetish, and Fantasy, and — according to E! Entertainment TV — “The World’s #1 Wildest and Sexiest Party,” has announced what is arguably its greatest talent lineup in its long history — a full weekend of exhilarating and eye-popping exotic and erotic entertainment. Read More→

Categories : News

Court upholds conviction of flower shop owner in sex-torture case

Posted on November 13, 2004 by Jarl Mezentius

LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) — A former flower shop owner who sexually assaulted, tortured and held a Texas man captive in the basement of his store lost his appeal Friday.

Roger Van had asked the Nebraska Supreme Court to vacate his conviction because his victim agreed to such treatment.

Van was sentenced to up to 30 years in prison on several counts, including sexual assault and false imprisonment, related to the 2001 incident at his flower shop in Wayne.
Larson Motor Center

Defense lawyer Melissa Wentling alleged that Van’s conviction was unconstitutional because the “Nebraska Legislature did not intend these statutes to apply to conduct that occurs during a private, consensual relationship” involving bondage and torture.

Van’s lawyers had argued that the 36-year-old Houston man, identified in court papers as J.G.C., consented to being beaten, bound and branded.

Before meeting in Wayne, Van and the man exchanged scores of messages and negotiated a no-limits relationship involving torture and bondage, defense lawyers said.

In one e-mail message, J.G.C indicated he might try to escape and that Van should prevent that from happening.

The man also acknowledged writing an e-mail saying that he needed to be afraid of Van, who also sent him a photo of the small cell where he would be kept.

Defense lawyers said the two agreed not to have a customary “safe word” that signals to the master that the slave can no longer stand the pain and that the session is to end.

“As stated by the United States Supreme Court, homosexuals’ right to liberty under the due process clause gives them a right to engage in consensual sexual activity in home without intervention of the government,” Wentling said earlier.

The Texan said that after a light flogging administered the first day in Wayne, he was ordered to write why he deserved punishment and decided to get out.

But he said Van then refused to believe that he no longer wanted to participate and kept him captive.

The man testified that on one occasion he was placed face down on a table, restrained and branded with the letter “w” on the back of one of his thighs. The pain was so intense that he became ill and broke one of his wrist restraints, the man said.

The high court said that while the evidence presented showed that J.G.C. initially consented to a master-slave relationship, consent was withdrawn the day after he arrived in Wayne.

“Because J.G.C. testified that he told Van that he wished to go home, there was sufficient evidence upon which the jury could conclude that Van acted with the requisite knowledge and intent” to be convicted of false imprisonment, wrote Judge Kenneth Stephan.

As for the sexual assault conviction, Stephan wrote:

“The mere fact that J.G.C. did not verbally or physically resist is not determinative of whether he consented to the acts,” he said. “The record includes evidence that J.G.C. was subject to beatings for disobeying Van and that he revoked his consent to the … relationship prior to the acts of sexual penetration.”

Police said the Texas man escaped with the help of Jerry Marshall, an employee at the flower shop who initially participated in assaulting the Texan but later backed out. Marshall served about six months in jail for misdemeanor assault

Categories : Legal Issues, News

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