Archive for Eroticism

More SEX WISDOM With Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel — Podcast #308 — 11/09/11

Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

I’m so excited, because my friends and colleagues, Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel are back to dispense more of their signature SEX WISDOM. This is Part 2 of their appearance on this show, don’t cha know. We had such a good time together last week; I simply had to insist that they return today and they were kind enough to comply.  So yay for that!

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our chat, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #307 and PRESTO! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Celeste, Danielle and I discuss:

Celeste and Danielle invite you to visit them on their site HERE! Look for their amazing blog HERE! Find them on Facebook HERE and Twitter HERE!

(Click on the book cover below to buy their book.)

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

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Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: Fleshlight & FleshJack.

MEDIA & BDSM

Media and BDSM

Media & BDSM

Media coverage is extremely important when it comes to the image the world has about any group in society. It may even be decisive. And as for any other group, this is true for the erotic power exchange world as well. Since erotic power exchange is attracting more interest in society, it is only logical the phenomena gets increased media coverage. In addition, the current trend – especially in audiovisual media – to try and cover more eroticism in general contributes extra to this trend.

Journalists trying to cover the subject are faced with various difficulties and complications – the most important being the complexity of the subject as well as the difficulty to find people who feel comfortable with talking about their most intimate emotions in mass media. Next to that, to an outsider it is not easy to understand the cultural differences within the group and the subject takes up quite a bit of research and/or pre-production time as well as space or air time to cover it in a more serious way.

“The scene” does not exist

Despite what general opinion would like people to believe, there is no such thing as “an EPE (or BDSM) scene”. Instead there are different cultures, different sexual preferences and most of all individuals and couples practicing or just fantasizing about power dynamics in an erotic setting. One of the main difficulties is that – as a result of the very individual determination of sexual behavior in general and with that erotic power exchange – it is extremely hard, if not entirely impossible to find common denominators. Hence talking to one or two people will only sketch THEIR views. These may be significantly different from others and are most certainly not THE views or opinions.

First of all, there are very distinct differences in culture, based on sexual preference. Homosexual EPE is very different in many aspects from its heterosexual equivalent. Homosexual men are – in their EPE-emotions – very different from homosexual women and within the heterosexual world the first main difference should be made between the Maledom/femsub (dominant man/submissive woman) and the Femdom(me)/malesub (dominant woman/submissive man) cultures. When concentrating on the heterosexual “world” only, one of the major differences is the fact that the Femdom(me) culture is dominated by women, who have made a profession out of their nature; a phenomena that is almost non-existent in the Maledom/femsub culture (although there are professional submissive women and -albeit extremely few – professional dominant men).

Most of the literature available is about homosexual erotic power exchange, where power dynamics are different, the culture is much outward oriented and – although this a dangerous generalization – generally speaking, more rough. In addition, there are many technical differences between homosexual and heterosexual EPE. Another very important consideration is that sexuality between members of the same sex is entirely different from sexuality between members of the opposite sex. Beyond these major variances, there are many other heterosexual-specific concerns, such as the fact that a heterosexual couple will usually be confronted with having to raise children. It is, therefore, impossible to rely on available literature when it comes to form an undistorted opinion on heterosexual erotic power exchange.

The image of erotic power exchange is, to a large extent, generated by both pornography on one end and one-sided, dysfunction-oriented clinical and scientific research. Hence the picture the media paint – for understandable reasons – is a picture very few erotic power exchange people would recognize. One of the main reasons for this sullied view of EPE is the fact that it is difficult for media to get people to talk about their emotions. The majority of people interviewed – since they are usually the only ones available – are people who are commercially active in the erotic power exchange world – predominantly dominatrixes. These people usually and again understandable, have a one-sided image. Professional EPE-activity is a commercial enterprise with the aim to make profit, not to express the person’s own feelings towards a partner. Since the vast majority of EPE-professionals are dominatrixes, they will attract a very specific type of person, in particular submissive men. Very few of the clients a professional dominatrix has, have an active erotic power exchange relationship with their partner. And, the professionals interviewed have an entirely different agenda. Their motive is not to give unprejudiced information about their subject. Their first objective is to attract (more) clients and the immediate second motive is to make sure they stand out from their colleagues.

A picture based on alternate motives

Unfortunately, the EPE image is predominantly influenced by several elements all of which have ulterior motives. Non of them have had or currently have the objective to communicate unprejudiced information. Let’s make an interesting list of the four most influential factors on the image of erotic power exchange:

Science

The majority of scientific publications on the subject originate from the psychological/psychiatric field. None of these publications deals with the power exchange between healthy, well-adjusted people, capable to make safe, sane, consensual, well-informed and conscious decisions. Instead, all these publications deal with people seeking help (usually from the author) and have been written primarily to advocate either one specific opinion or one specific treatment by one specific therapist. Unfortunately, there is no broad, large scale research available on the phenomena of EPE. It is estimated that as much as 30 percent of the adult population has erotic power exchange fantasies and is (potentially) active in this area. The largest group that has ever been the subject of research is a group from approximately two hundred people from one country. This can hardly be called representative for the world-wide group, hence all conclusions should not be projected on the entire population. Unfortunately, this happens all too frequently.

Furthermore, much of the available scientific research available and quoted, is extremely outdated. This is especially true for politicians, legislators and lawyers in many countries, who will go back and cite research that is at least thirty or forty years old. Whereas no court or scientific body in the world would accept other (semi)medical data that old as a basis for judgment, when it comes to erotic power exchange this is still generally accepted.

Pornography and pseudo-experts

These two groups are mentioned in one header deliberately because pseudo-experts predominantly style themselves on the pictures painted by pornography, sometimes cleverly validating themselves and their views by misquoting scientists. Both pornography and pseudo-experts have only one objective: to sell as many books, articles, magazines or videos and CD’s as they possibly can. Erotic power exchange-related pornography is mainly sold to people who are NOT active in erotic power exchange. Much of what is sold is – unfortunately – quite often mistaken for information, especially by people who are new to the subject. The picture painted is not meant to give information, but instead, is meant to indulge fantasy. In these situations fantasy does not have to become reality, and when it comes to erotic power exchange, hardly ever does fully.

Media

Without making any judgments here, the media plays an important role in the image-building. Next to the difficulties sketched above – the fact that it is indeed extremely difficult to depict a clear image of EPE and the unintentional effect of dominatrixes – it is obvious that excess-oriented journalism does not help and, again, does not have the objective of communicating factual and independent information, but has the objective of selling copy as well as entertaining.

The “community” itself

Even though the various support groups put a lot of effort in trying to inform and educate, their efforts reflect the average lack of experience in mass communication as well as the variety of opinions that even the EPE community itself holds. None of the support groups, not even larger national groups like the USA National Leather Association, have any critical sway in the EPE community, compared to the number of people interested in the subject. This is again the result of both the variety of opinions held as well as the different cultures. Individual subgroups are only just finding out they have a different identity from other like-minded people. This is new and somewhat disturbing to many and it is difficult for groups as well as individuals to find and identify with a “new” identity.

These support groups are small. They do not have one-tenth of the budget, that scientists and especially pornography producers can use. There for it is a very uneven battle, trying to fight the misinformation with little more than a personal computer and a xerox-machine, when resources in the pornography industry are huge.

Finally, there are the well meant efforts of individuals, especially on the Internet, to try and build personal home pages that provide “information”. Such information is usually highly individual (and as such useful for identification purposes) and of little or no relevance for a more general informational approach.The bottom line is that the information/misinformation ratio is about 10:90. It is no wonder the image the outside world has is the wrong image; an image that has very little to do with the day-to-day practice of erotic power exchange.

Author Hans Meijer is the chairman of the Powerotics Foundation, an organisation dedicated to providing quality information about alternative lifestyles.

Author: Hans Meijer
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A Pleasure Guide to Bondage

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By: Suie Roberts

For the novice, bondage can be a quick and inexpensive way to spice up your sex life. You don’t need to buy any sort of specialised kit. Neck ties, stocking and belts make ideal bonds. Use soft items to bind your lover to avoid chafing.

Of course there is more to bondage than just tying your partner down to the bed. What are you going to do with them now that you have them there? This is why it is perceived that spanking and whipping must be involved. If you like that kind of thing there are a wide selection of Spanking Tools available, however this is sadism and masochism activity.

In its simplest form, bondage can be holding someone’s hands down whilst giving them a lap dance. In this situation there are no restraints at all. Bondage is more about the eroticism of being under the control of another person or the eroticism of having full control over someone else.

Because of this, bondage on any level stimulates the largest sex organ in the body – The Brain. Bondage binds the brain in rules that give the brain the illusion that the body is being restrained and controlled by someone else. It is usually considered that people in high powered jobs like these kind of sexual games, because they are able to let someone else take control so that they can loose control. But it is also fair to say that it is usually imaginative people who enjoy these games, because they are able to get lost inside the game.

Anyone considering practising bondage on any level must have complete trust in the person or persons who they intend to play with. It is also essential that everyone agrees on a ‘safety’ word. The safety word is a word that can be used by anyone to stop all activity immediately. The word could be a television programme, a musician, or complete nonsense such as ‘erotic elephants’. Whatever your safety word, it must only be used when you want to stop all activities and return to reality. It is important to be able to stop the game because someone my get hurt or injured.

Also for safety, don’t tie anyone too tight. During sexual arousal your body slightly swells, so a tight handcuff soon starts cutting off the bloody supply.

Other less brutal activities could involve teasing your partner.

Tips for girls -

Rub your pussy very lightly over his cock whilst rubbing baby oil into your breasts. Lean forward every now and then and let your juicy orbs hang in his face, just out of tongue reach.

Kneel above his chest and masturbate giving him a ringside seat. Rub your fingers over your lips and then go in for the full on snog.

A little forced face sitting, hover the bits of your pussy you want licking over his face.

Tips for the boys -

Get her to stick her tongue out and the stroke her face and neck and tongue with your erection.

Kiss and caress the inside of her thighs slowly, forever moving upwards little by little. Keep your hands moving and occasionally run your hand over her pussy, but don’t linger or give her any sort of satisfaction. Make sure she feels your breathe on her clit, but not your tongue! Not yet anyway.

The games and the teasing all adds to the excitement of bondage sex. The slow build up leads to steamy passionate sex.

After dabbling with bondage you may want to move up a level. This is a great excuse to dress up, whether you dress up as a Dominatrix, or a Submissive Sex Slave or the Devil herself; the key ingredient has to be PVC or Leather.

Top Tip – If you dress kinky and sexy, you feel kinky and sexy.

You may also want to upgrade your bondage restraints

Hand Cuffs – Cold metal feels nice against your skin, however, they do clank and make noise and they can scratch your furnishings, metal beds in particular.

Leather Wrist Restraints – The feel of leather and the look and smell of it is very sexy. Just be aware that leather collars and cuffs do take some ‘wearing in’ because new leather is rather stiff.

Fabric Wrist Restraints – Very comfortable to wear with padded protection. Quick and easy to use, you can tie someone up in the blink of an eye. They don’t damage your bed and are compatible with any kinky inflatable furniture. Fabric binds are easily washed in the washing machine. However, their sex appeal isn’t the greatest.

PVC Bondage Tape – Bondage tape is wonderful stuff. It works in a similar way to Clingfilm so it sticks but not with stickiness, so you can wrap it round your head and it doesn’t scalp you as you take it off. Its quick and easy to use and looks very hot, although you can’t reuse really because the tape stretches and goes funny and doesn’t look as sexy the next time you use it.

Of course, restraints aren’t just designed to tie your lover to the bed. Some restraints are designed so that they connect together, usually with ‘D’ ring (named after their shape). By clipping bondage items together, you can create unusual sex positions that need support, or just hold limbs out of the way for easier access. Cuff her ankles to her wrists, lay her on her back with her legs straight and you have easier access for giving oral and it leaves your hands free for other naughtiness.

The alternative is to buy your collars and cuffs separately. To ooze sex appeal here you really need to go to a specialised retailer and get sexy leather.

3-Ring Slave Collar – Not only do these collars make the wearer look really hot but they are also very versatile. They enable you to cuff hands to neck in front or behind of the wearer, or ankles to neck (obviously not so that it breaks the wearers hips). You can also add a lead for a bit of fun or use the third ‘D’ ring to tie them to the bed. Great fun.

Waist Cuff, Bondage Belt – Bondage belts allow you to tie your lovers hands to their waist, either at their sides or directly in-front or behind them, again with a long piece of rope you could also attach their ankles so that their legs are in the air and spread open. They can also be used to with a piece of rope going from centre front to centre back to form a kind of chastity belt, or to keep a vibrator firmly inside the vagina.

Leather and Steel Restraints – Ankle to wrist restraints are great for deep penetration sex. Cuff her up and then roll her backwards so that her weight rests on her shoulder blades. Tie the Cuffs to the bed to hold and maintain the position.

Inflatable Bondage Chair – Kinky Furniture is the ultimate bondage toy. However, Bondage furniture usually takes up a lot of space and is not easily hidden when out of use. Inflatable bondage furniture on the other hand easily packs away and can be hidden in the wardrobe – a little less sex appeal but saves the kids and your mother from seeing the evidence of your sexual kinks!

In another direction, there is Japanese bondage. With its oriental origins, Japanese bondage is considered by some an art form and if you really get into it you can really create some elaborate patterns. But to start with you probably wont create much in the way of art, but you will have lots of fun.

You may think a bit of old washing line will do the job, but you really cant skimp here. Get Rope intended for the job, or you run the risk of the rope itching and irritating the skin or chafing. If the rope is too thin it cuts into the skin. Considering the delicate places the rope is going to touch – you don’t want to be left with Chinese burns from your Japanese bondage!

You can buy Books about Japanese Bondage, but finding out for yourself is a whole lot of fun. Here are some Top Tips -

Double up your length of rope. Using double thickness makes knot tying easier.

Keep everything symmetrical – this makes for a more pleasing creation to the eye, it also makes things a whole lot easier.

Always start with a G-String style formation. Its good for anchorage points and gives you something to build on

To make the G-String

With doubled length, wrap around the waist as if it were a belt. Feed the surplus rope through the loop created when you doubled the length. Line up this connecting point with the navel.

Pass the rope down and through the legs and up between the buttocks to the middle back of the ‘belt’ and knot.

Now you are ready to go on to the upper body, or pass round to the sides to tie the wrists to the waist. Just let your imagination run riot!

Remember – When practising Japanese bondage do not make the binds too tight, and bare in mind that you will need to be able to untie any knots that you make.

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