Archive for dominance and submission

BDSM Protocol – How to Successfully Present Yourself to a Pro-Domme (Dominatrix) In Six Simple Steps

Posted on July 21, 2010 by

A Pro-Domme, also called a Dominatrix or Mistress, is a professional who engages in BDSM activity with clients. These clients take on the submissive role (or “bottom”) during a session. Typical activities engaged in may include: dominance and submission (D/s), sadomasochism (S&M), fetish play, bondage, and discipline. While BDSM activities are highly charged both emotionally and sexually, sex is not included in the services of a Pro-Domme.

Many clients present themselves to a prospective Mistress in an unfavorable way, which results in them not being given that precious opportunity to serve. Sometimes clients can find a Pro-Domme who will session with them, only to discover that the so called “Dominatrix” is inexperienced or lacking in skills. As the saying goes, “a good Domme is hard to find.” This difficulty in finding a Mistress often occurs due to the submissive’s naivete or because he possesses a “Dive Bar Attitude.” However, by following six simple steps when approaching a Pro-Domme, it is highly unlikely that a prospective client will not be given an opportunity to serve a professional.

What is a “Dive Bar Attitude?”

Many prospective clients present themselves to a Pro-Domme inappropriately because they possess what I’ve termed a “Dive Bar Attitude.” When a person goes to a dive bar, they do so with certain expectations. They expect to be served. They expect to have their thirst quenched. They expect to get drunk without paying a lot of money. They expect that, other than their payment, they will not be required to provide anything to the proprietor. This is the WRONG ATTITUDE when approaching a Pro-Domme.

Think of approaching a prospective Mistress as having more in common with an outing to a new, fashionable club. There’s preliminary legwork that must be done to prepare (such as making a reservation, or learning what the dress code entails). The establishment wants a certain type of clientele because the club’s clientele is a reflection of the club. And because many people want to experience the club, the proprietor can be picky about who gets in. Once inside the club, the visitor’s main expectation is to simply experience the club. The goal is not cheap drunkenness. Instead, it’s to experience the whole ambiance of the club, to relish the very experience of it, and to enjoy drinks that are expertly prepared. It’s a premium experience that is being sought, and it’s not bargain priced.

Knowing this, how should a client tailor their approach to a prospective Mistress?
As a wise person once said, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” Pro-Dommes are approached by numerous prospective clients. Many of these men fall victim to the Mistress’ delete button. Because so many who approach us are time wasters who regard us as masturbation fodder, we have no choice but to discard the e-mails of those who exhibit insensitivity or lack of social awareness. If you properly introduce yourself in that first communication (presumably an e-mail), you will stand out from the crowd and you will please the Domme.

So, keeping in mind the exclusive nature of sessioning with the best Pro-Dommes, and knowing that you must make your very best impression in order to earn the opportunity to serve a Mistress, what protocol should a prospective submissive follow?

Step 1: Do Your Research

You most likely found the Mistress through her website, so read it! Read every word; don’t just perv on her pics. Her website is a reflection of who she is. It will tell you her interests, her likes and dislikes, and (most importantly) how she likes things done. It is basically a virtual version of herself. It is her domain. I repeat, read every word.

Step 2: Exhibit Self-Awareness & Honesty

Someone who is self-aware makes a good client. Know what you want, and know what you are capable of delivering. There is a big difference between fantasy and reality. It may make a good fantasy to envision life as my 24-7 slave, a slave that will do everything I say without question. But please don’t waste my time with your fantasy unless you actually: 1) truly want that, and 2) can provide that. If you have a day job as an attorney or a CFO or an engineer, I don’t think you’re going to be giving that up anytime soon. Don’t waste my time with your masturbatory fantasy. Just keep it to yourself, please. What I would like to know is what you can truly offer me. If what you can offer is a client who would like to session with me every couple of weeks… perhaps because you enjoy bottoming watersports (feel free to insert your favorite fetish here) but don’t have a woman in your life who is into that, THEN SAY THAT! That type of communication shows self-awareness and, hey, it’s honest. Honesty makes a Mistress happy.

Step 3: Don’t Be Creepy

No, of course you’re not creepy, not in your regular life. You’re normal. You have a normal job, a normal family, normal friends, and normal hobbies and interests. Most likely, you probably even have a pretty normal sex life. Please don’t take this opportunity while communicating with a Pro-Domme to suddenly turn into a strange incarnation of yourself. Don’t be a troll, and please don’t harass the Mistress. Approach her as you would any business professional.

Step 4: Be Respectful

Address the Pro-Domme how she wants to be addressed. Some Mistresses want to be called Mistress or Goddess or another title. Other Mistresses prefer NOT to be addressed that way by strangers. If you have read the Mistress’ website completely, she most likely specified how she would like to be addressed.

Send a photo if the Mistress requested you do so, but don’t send graphically sexual photos. If she wants these, she will request them when she is ready for them.

Step 5: Begin Building a Connection

Don’t give empty compliments. Most Dominatrices have an extremely good bullshit meter. Do show her that you are interested in her specifically. What is it about her that attracted you? Begin to also share some personal information about yourself: a physical description, career, location, marital status, whether you have a car (that can be important when considering service submissives, especially). Also, be sure to include the times you are most often available for sessions and, of course, your contact information.

Step 6: Present Yourself Favorably

In your e-mail, put your best foot forward, but also be yourself- the most respectful version of yourself. Every Mistress will have personal preferences regarding the type of submissive with whom she most enjoys playing. You can’t be who you aren’t, so be who you are. Don’t grovel and don’t beg. This generally makes most Dominatrices want to vomit. Try approaching her as a man with respect for himself and respect for all women.

Conclusion

By following the above six steps when approaching a Pro-Domme, you will demonstrate to the Mistress that you are sincere, respectful, and would make an enjoyable, interesting submissive. You will find your success rate with the most desirable Pro-Dommes will increase. You will also find those first few sessions with your new Mistress will be even more enjoyable for both of you.

About The Author:

Isabella Benjamin is a professional Dominatrix living and working in New York City. As “Mrs. Benjamin,” her Pro-Domme persona, she specializes in fetish play, domestic discipline, and roleplay. Mrs. Benjamin is always accepting applications from sincere men and women who would like to indulge their fetishes or explore their submissive fantasies. For more information, please visit her site at http://www.mistressbenjamin.com

Copyright 2010 Isabella Benjamin; article may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without the written consent of the author. All rights reserved.

Author: Isabella Benjamin
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
Canadian crossborder shopping

Categories : Sexuality

Dominance and submission – a Power Exchange Relationship

Posted on April 27, 2010 by Jarl Mezentius

201004271356.jpg
If anyone were to ask what ‘Dominance and submission’ is, they’d receive almost as many answers as people who practice it. Simply stated, though, most would agree that D/s consists of a consensual relationship that is based around a power exchange between two people. One person is the controlling one, known as the Dominant; the other person is the controlled one, and is known as the submissive (note that ‘Dominant’ is usually capitalised and that ‘submissive’ is not). The submissive gives a certain amount of ‘power’ to the Dominant over their lives. This can be as simple as the Dominant telling them what to wear each day, or can be as complex as them having to ask the Dominant for permission to even leave the room. The important thing to note here is that we are talking about consensual relationships. The rights of the submissive are not taken from them, they are given freely during a period of negotiation.

Total Power Exchange

Arguably, the ‘pinnacle’ of D/s relationships is a Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship, where the submissive gives up all control to the Dominant. Total means just that. The Dominant controls every aspect of their lives from what they wear or eat, to where they go and who they see. There are many that claim to have this, but this Researcher has seen few real examples. It should be emphasised that this is only arguably the pinnacle of D/s relationships. The other side of the coin is that every D/s relationship is just as good no matter how much power is exchanged.

Some Terms

Before we go too much further, let’s define a few terms that exist within the D/s lifestyle:

  • Dominant – The person who has been given some amount of control over the submissive. Other terms describing them are Dom and Domme.
  • submissive – The person who gives some amount of control to the Dominant. Other terms describing them are sub, pet and slave.
  • D/s – Dominance and submission. A power exchange relationship.
  • Lifestyle – Generally those that practice D/s are part of ‘the lifestyle’. It doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a descriptive term.
  • Vanilla – a non-D/s relationship.
  • 24/7 – Living a D/s relationship 24 hours a day, seven days a week. To put it another way, you are always in a power exchange relationship.
  • Scene – The best way to describe this is to think of a ‘scene’ from a movie. This is one interaction between a Dom and a sub. It doesn’t have to be sexual; all that is required is that a power exchange has taken place. Those not in a 24/7 relationship tend to have ‘scenes’ where the power exchange happens. Even those in 24/7 relationships can have scenes, where the exchange becomes deeper.
  • Top – A person who Dominates for only a scene. If you think of it as a ‘one night stand’ in the D/s lifestyle you wouldn’t be quite correct, but it’s a good start. This doesn’t mean that the Top is a ‘Dominant’, just that the dominate for the one scene.
  • bottom – A person who is submissive for only a scene. This does not mean the person is always a submissive, just that they are submissive for the scene. See ‘Top’.
  • Switch – Someone who switches between the Dominant and submissive roles.
  • Safewords – These are words that are used by either Dom or sub to slow down, or stop a scene. Having negotiated a safeword is very important. It means that if something is happening that makes either person uncomfortable, they can either back off a little, or stop.

A Few Myths

Let’s look at what a D/s relationship isn’t.

D/s Isn’t about Abuse

Though the point has already been made it’s important to emphasise that this article is about a consensual power exchange. Whatever happens to the sub, whatever demands are made of them, they have agreed to this. If they haven’t, if they never asked for this, or they don’t want this, then it’s an abusive relationship and is not the kind of relationship covered by this entry.

submissives Aren’t always Women

If your image of a submissive is a woman, no matter how she’s dressed, think again. There are a great number of male submissives out there.

submissives Aren’t Weak

If someone has to have someone else run their lives for them they must be weak, right? Wrong. Many submissives are quite powerful people outside their D/s relationship: lawyers, managers, business people, police, soldiers and so on. For some, being a submissive in the home, or merely in the bedroom, is a way of escaping from the normal pressures of being in charge.

D/s Isn’t about Kinky Sex

Sure, D/s couples often have kinky sex. Then again, vanilla couples often do too. What defines a D/s relationship has very little to do with the methods used, so much as the power exchange. A simple ‘no’ when a sub asks if they can have a drink can have as much ‘power’ as getting them to kneel.

Entering a D/s Relationship

When two people are about to enter a D/s relationship, the first step is negotiation. This is a period where no power exchange occurs, but is a discussion where the parameters of the relationship are discussed. How much power will the Dominant have over the submissive? What hard limits do both have; that is, to what activities are one or both opposed? What will be the safewords? What will be the period of the relationship?

Often after negotiation a contract is drawn up, setting out all of the parameters discussed. In this way there can be no misunderstandings.

Collars

In most Western marriages, the symbols of the marriage are the wedding rings worn by the happy couple. You can probably think of a collar meaning a similar thing to a wedding ring, although in a D/s relationship it’s more common for only the sub to wear a collar to show that they are owned by or bound to a Dom.

Collars come in all shapes and sizes, from a leather collar that is remarkably similar to that worn by pets, to elegant necklaces that could be worn at the classiest society ball. A collar is a symbol and is therefore as individual as the Dominant and submissive within the D/s relationship.

Why on Earth Would you Go through all This?

It seems a D/s relationship is an awful lot of work, doesn’t it? Negotiation, contracts, safewords before you even get to the relationship itself. Yes, it is a lot of work, but the rewards can be worth it.

At this point it should be noted that a D/s relationship is not for everyone. Most relationships, even vanilla ones, contain power exchanges. In some relationships one partner is always Dominant, in other relationships whoever is Dominant changes almost constantly. That, however, doesn’t mean that the whole relationship should become a D/s one. Some couples only practice D/s in the bedroom, others in the home, others all the time and some never.

Like all relationships, good communication is needed to keep a D/s relationship on track. The difference here, is that it is essential to the success of a D/s relationship. The basis of a D/s relationship is trust. This is not just the trust that neither partner will cheat, but the sort of deep trust where the partners will trust each other with their lives. For the submissive, they need to trust the Dominant with their physical and mental health; to trust that the Dominant will guide and protect them. For the Dominant this means trusting that the submissive is totally truthful with them, giving them all the information they need to make good decisions.

As the communication flows more freely and the trust grows, the entire relationship becomes deeper and more fulfilling. This also applies to a vanilla relationship, but there isn’t necessarily the same impetus to keep communication flowing.

Traps and Pitfalls

The submissive gives power to the Dominant. This means the submissive can open themselves to abuse. This risk can be lessened by keeping the following in mind. They’re not bad guidelines for vanilla relationships either:

  • Don’t trust too easily. Trust is earned. Before giving someone power over you, make sure they can be trusted. Take time to learn about the person.
  • Go slowly. Don’t be impatient for it all to happen at once. Take it in small steps.
  • Be honest. Don’t say things just to please your partner. If you don’t like something, or are unsure, say so. By the same token, if you like it a lot, say so.
  • If there is the smallest hint of abuse, back off. No matter how good your partner is in other areas, if they are abusive, leave. Sometimes we do hurt others by mistake, but if there is obvious abusive behaviour, either mental or physical, then leave.
  • Remember that everyone is human, and thus can make mistakes. Don’t let a mistake ruin the relationship. Instead, talk about it openly, and try to learn something from it to help the relationship grow.
Categories : Featured, Relationships, Sexuality

BDSM: An Immeasurable Range of Sexual, Sensual and Intimate Activities

Posted on February 3, 2009 by Jarl Mezentius

To some people, the term BDSM brings to mind images of people tied up in chains, in some dark secret dungeon and being whipped senseless in some type of twisted if not macabre pleasure. You know, an indulgence for those bordering of mental illness. bent_forward_strappadoThis of course could be seen as true in some instances but this is not what BDSM is all about. BDSM cannot be defined by one activity alone, in fact it would be accurate to say that BDSM cannot be defined by any number of activities, it’s a lifestyle choice, which is entirely unique.

The term ‘BDSM’ encompasses an immeasurable range of sexual, sensual and intimate activities. The most common can include power or role-play, a range of sensory games from the extreme infliction of intense pain to the gentle tease of a feather and much more. Many have even participated in an act that could sit under the caveat of BDSM without even knowing it and this style of sexuality is ever on the increase whether you are aware of it or not.

So, what exactly is BDSM?

The term BDSM itself is actually made up from abbreviations of other terms. B & D represents ‘bondage and dominance’ or ‘bondage and discipline’. D & S represents ‘dominance and submission’ and S & M represents ‘sadism and masochism’. With all these terms sitting under the BDSM belt it is easier to see exactly why BDSM can be extremely hard to define and is simply more straightforward to view as a way of life.

As well as being hard to define there are also no set practices within BDSM. For many, it is seen as a way to add an element of spice and enjoyment to their sex lives. Others can view BDSM as a way to gain fulfillment or a temporary release from everyday life, a kind of escape if you will. Still others will view it as a way to deepen the bond between partners. This list of varying views could continue but it is far simpler to point out that there are possibly as many views as there are people involved in the subject. Although the list of views varies dramatically the people behind them all share something in common and that something is known as SSC.

Like BDSM, SSC is also an acronym. It stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual. Safe means that precautions are taken to prevent harm or injury to those involved. Sane means that mental and emotional safety is also cared for and consensual almost speaks for itself; all parties involved agreeing to participate without coercion.

BDSM involves, but is not limited to, any one or a combination of the following practices. The practice is as varied as the people involved in it. The main thing is eroticism.

1. Bondage: refers to the practice of physically restraining a person, by means of devices such as handcuffs, rope, chains etc.

2. Discipline: refers to the process of punishing or being punished.

3. Sadism: refers to deriving pleasure of personal gratification from causing pain, suffering or cruelty.

4. Masochism: refers to deriving pleasure from mental, emotional or physical pain.

While the major sub-groupings of BDSM are within its own definition, it encompasses a very wide variety of practices, some being obvious and others not so obvious. They include;

1. Servitude or slavery

2. Spanking/flogging/canning/whipping

3. Suspension

4. Humiliation

5. Sadism/masochism

6. Sensory deprivation (Example, blindfolding)

7. Body piercing and tattooing

8. Movement restriction

9. Sensation-play (Example, tickling)

10. Medical procedures

What sort of people practice BDSM?

Contrary to the images imprinted in our minds by the media, BDSM is not necessarily hardcore sadism or pornography. People of all walks of life, from various backgrounds and nationalities, all sexual orientations, perform BDSM activities. Participants are, in most cases, normal well-adjusted, and respectable people in their communities. In fact as much as 50% of the population have a varying degree of interest in the subject and that’s with them being knowledgeable enough to know what it encompasses. If you include in those figures couples that may have restrained each other to a bed or the simple use of a blindfold you could expect that percentage to soar. Historically this behavior was listed as a psychological problem in a similar vain to masturbation and homosexuality. Today, however, as are homosexuality and masturbation becoming increasingly accepted in society, so is BDSM.

Is BDSM abuse?

People who practice it say they do so for fun. The emphasis is on SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual). It is not about dominance or forcing another person to do things they don’t want to do. It is about both parties doing what they do want to do. It involves two happy parties.

BDSM can also be subtle and highly erotic, as in the case of tickling or stimulating sensitive body parts with a feather, paintbrush or similar object. There may or may not be pain.

The majorities involved in BDSM share a heightened sense of responsibility and respect for their partners. BDSM has absolutely nothing to do with violence against a helpless victim. It is this kind of common misconception that responsible BDSM participants wish to dispel. Restraining a partner and beating them is not BDSM but simply brutality. The heightened sense of responsibility and respect often results in a positive side effect of superior levels of communication, which, in the BDSM world, is essential, and something that the majority of mainstream couples would be advised to adapt.

Responsible participants practice the use of good communication up front, the use of a ‘safe word’ which will stop the action immediately and a period of communication after any event to discuss what could be better for the next time.

Why BDSM?

There are as many reasons as there are people. The most obvious is good old fun. Some people do it to fulfill their fantasies. For others it is the role-playing. For some it is simply the feeling of dominance or submission. The list is endless.

One thing you can be sure of is that BDSM will always attract a certain curiosity. People will come from all genders and orientations establishing common ground between heterosexuals, homosexuals and any other orientation that you can think of. Before you dismiss BDSM and vouch that you would never participate in such an act or lifestyle, can you be so sure that you haven’t, to a certain degree, done so already?

Categories : Featured

Glossary of BDSM A – Z:

Posted on September 21, 2008 by Jarl Mezentius

200809211614.jpg

Call It Kinky, Swinky or perverse, but I think we all have our “little things” that help make our sex lives different.

But what about swingers – is it enough that we Swing? I have had a few (ok, many) emails that ask about Fetishes and in particular about BDSM and Swinging.

The main things that are asked are about clubs – many offer an area for use in BDSM Play but can You really play out a full scene in them? I would say No – I know one couple that played in one of these areas and got told to stop as it was “too much” for the bystanders to take! They are now taking their play away from swingers clubs and to places where they know they will be able to “pink it up” without being told they are “abnormal”.

Many people both swingers and in the Vanilla world just think of BDSM as either being in pain or being the pain supplier but it is (apparently Lol) so much more than this.

To play out a scene you have to be in a safe zone and trust those you are not only Playing with but also those that may be Watching.

It may be that the Dom and the sub live their lives Fully in this way or just use it to “scene” every now and again. Some people do not even use BDSM as a sexual gratification but a simple way of life.

BDSM is an erotic experience and not just simply pain, it can be something as simple as spanking your partner or blindfolding them all the way to being dressed in full rubber suits with nothing but a straw to beathe through. The only thing that is important is that all parties are comfortable and are all on the same path emotionally. Communication as always, is they key to this particular lock!

There are many books, DVD’s and “how to” guides out there but the best way to learn is to take it slowly, find out what makes you tick, write a list of things that you think you may want to try and remember to laugh if it all goes wrong.

Being the helpful little soul I am I have a great glossary of BDSM A – Z:

A

Abrasion – To wear down the skin by using friction. Materials and toys such as sandpaper, steel wool, rough cloth, and bottlebrushes are often used. This increases sensitivity while giving both pleasure and pain.

Acomoclitic – Preference for hairless genitals

Acucullophilia – Sexual attraction to men who are circumcised.

Adult Babies – Age play wherein the submissive is the baby. This may include diapering, powdering, wearing a pacifier, sleeping in a crib, etc. Rarely taken to a 24/7 extreme.

Adult Toy Chest – A place where one keeps their sex toys. A sex toy box.

Age Play – play that involves assuming the role of someone of a different age. Most commonly, one of the adults takes on the younger role, usually in the submissive capacity.

Algophilia – Sexual arousal from experiencing pain

Allopellia – Reaching orgasm from watching other people in sexual activities.

Alligator Clamp – A type of nipple clamp with tips that have teeth resembling an alligators mouth. Most clamps of this style Come with removable rubber tips and have adjustment screws to limit how far they can close. Click Here

Altocalciphilia – High heel fetish

Anal Dildo – A dildo that is intended to be used with the anus as the receptor. Click Here

Anal Intercourse – Sex using the anus as the receptor.

Androminetophilia – Sexual arousal from female cross dressers

Ankle Cuffs – Attachable cuffs, generally made of leather, that enable a Dom to immobilize his submissive’s legs

Ankle Restraint – Any device including ankle cuffs that immobilize a submissiveness legs. Click Here

Animal Training – Training where the Dominant has his submissive play the part of an animal, such as horses and dogs. The most common is “puppy play”.

Asphyxiaphilia – see breath control

Autoclave – Professional sterilization device for piercing equipment.

Auto-erotic Asphyxiation – see breath control

Autogynephilia – Sexual arousal from cross-dressing

B

B&D, B/D, B/d – Bondage and Discipline. Although they go together in this phrase, they are not inextricably linked. Bondage means restraining someone in a helpless position (Such as being tied up.) Discipline is training a person to behave in a certain way. They tend to go together because Dominants tend to do both to their submissive.

BDSM – A popular acronym for activities inclusive of (but not limited to) Bondage, Domination/Discipline Submission/Sadism & Masochism. Also called WIITWD, an acronym for “What It Is That We Do.” Both mean this type of alternative Lifestyle. Sometimes the word “Bondage” has the same broad range meaning when used in a descriptive context.

BDSM Toy Box – A place where one keeps their BDSM gear or play equipment.

BJ – expression for blowjob (fellatio); ditto in the BDSM lifestyle.

Ball Gag – A device with a rubber ball and straps, which secures the ball in the bottom’s mouth to stifle screams. Click Here

Ball Stretching – The practice of stretching the scrotal sack so that it hangs lower using weights or other devices to pull on it above the testicles. As the sack is pulled, the testicles are squeezed leading to discomfort and sometime pain. Click Here

Ball Torture – Causing pain to the male testicles, also included in CBT or Cock and ball torture. Click Here

Ball Toys – Toys used for playing with the scrotum – such as weights, straps, etc. Click Here

Ball Weights – Weights used to stretch the scrotum. See Ball Stretching Click Here

BalletBoots – Extremely high heeled boots that require you to stand on the ends of your toes rather than the sole of your foot. Usually they have heels that are 8-9 inches and require considerable training and ability to walk in without assistance. Sometime also referred to as bondage boots. Click Here

Barbell – A straight piece of metal used in piercing, as opposed to a ring.

Basoexia – Sexual arousal from kissing

Bastinado – Foot torture involving the soles of the feet.

Beating – General term for such BDSM activities such as flogging caning, spanking, strapping, etc.

Belonephilia – Sexual arousal from use of needles

Belt – A leather strap used for striking the buttocks.

Blend Modality – Depilation (hair removal) using both electrolysis and thermolysis.

Blindfold – By blocking out sight – a common technique in SM scene – the bottom feels more vulnerable and increases the release of endorphins, thus contributing to the excitement in the scene. Click Here

Blood sports – A group of techniques in which the submissive’s skin is broken and blood is allowed to escape. Such as cutting, using needles, etc. See also “Edgeplay.”

Blowjob – Fellatio, head, sucking cock.

Body Art – Artful body modification including: piercing, tattoos and brandings.

Body Modification – Making alterations to the appearance of the body. Includes, but is not limited to, tattoos, piercings, brandings, scarification.

Body Shaving – Removal of hair with a razor. Female and male submissives commonly shave their pubic hair clean.

Bondage – Making a submissive physically helpless and to a great extent immobilized. Techniques include rope ties, handcuffs, leather cuffs, stocks and mummification.

Bootlicking – Licking and cleaning of a Dominant’s boots by a submissive is a common show of submission. Can also be a fetish.

Bottom – A submissive.

Boy – Term for male submissive (also spelled “boi”)

Boy Toy – A male who is submissive to a dominant. Dominant can be either male or female.

Branding – Making a permanent or semi-permanent scar on the skin by burning it with a heated metal object. Usually used by a Master to “mark” his slave as his property.

Brat – Term for a sub who tries to get the attention of a Dom/me by “acting up.”

Breast Bondage – Tying up the female breasts with rope.

Breast Press – A device that squeezes the breasts.

Breath Control – another type of “edgeplay” whereby the submissive’s breath is stopped for a short period of time to increase pleasurable sensations. Also called asphyxiaphilia, autoerotic asphyxiation, breath games, breathplay and hypoxyphilia. Very Dangerous.

Bukake – Sexual scene where many men masturbate on and give a “semen bath” to a willing submissive

Bullwhip – A long, heavy leather whip usually longer than 4 feet.

Butterfly Board – A wood board where a male’s scrotum can be nailed or pinned onto.

Buttplug – a “sextoy” shaped to fit into and stay inside the rectum.

Buttplug Harness – Usually a leather harness that prevents a buttplug from being removed either intentional or accidentally from the rectum. Click Here

C

Cage – A bondage practice, wherein the submissive is kept inside a cage. They can be so small as to restrict motion or large enough for two or more people.

Candle – A source of hot wax, which is dripped onto the bottom’s body in BDSM play.

Caning – Using a rattan cane (although they are made of many other substances) on a Submissive. Usually more severe than a flogging. Click Here

Cat – An old school expression for an old school BDSM tool of discipline – the “cat o nine tails”. Click Here

Cat O Nine Tails – a whip that has exactly 9 strands. Some have a knot at the end for increased sensation or sting. Click Here

Catheter – Flexible tube used in medicine; in BDSM catheters designed for the bladder, often utilized in ‘control’ scenes.

Cathterophilia – Sexual arousal from inserting a catheters

CBT – Cock and Ball Torture – Causing pain to the male genital area; usually in controlled, consensual BDSM scenes. Click Here

Chastity Belt – A device used to keep the submissive chaste when the Dominant is away. Comes in both male and female models. Click Here

Chains – Multi-use metal links; used to restrain, restrict movement and/or tie up a submissive.

Chezolagnia – masturbating while defecating

Circumcision – The cutting away of some or the entire foreskin, in males. In the female, circumcision usually refers to the removal of the clitoral hood.

Clamp – Generic term for any BDSM toy (even if garnered at a hardware store) that can clamp some body part of a submissive.

Clingfilm – Generic term for plastic wrap which is used in mummification scenes.

Clip – Generic term for any BDSM toy (even if garnered at a hardware store) that can clip some body part of a submissive.

Clitoridectomy – Surgical removal of the clitoris.

Clitorilingus – Tonguing the clitoris. Also called “eating” which is easier to pronounce.

Clothespins – wooden or plastic clothespins, typically used to produce pain sensation on the skin. Usually on nipples and genital areas.

Clover Nipple Clamps – Type of adjustable nipple clamps that tightens as it is pulled. Also known as Japanese Clover Nipple Clamps. Click Here

Coca-Cola Submissive – A submissive who only obeys the easy stuff or only when he/she feels like it.

Cock Cage – a CBT device that encase a penis shaft inside it. Can be either a solid or web design. Click Here

Cock Cuff – a chastity device that consists of a tube welded to a handcuff, usually both made of stainless stelel. The penis is slide into the tube and the handcuff closes behind the ball sack making removal all but impossible without unlocking the handcuff. A very effective chastity device. Click Here

Cock Ring – Rubber or metal ring that slips round base of cock and balls; supposed to increase duration of erection but also has D/s aspects to it.

Cock Strap – Leather or neoprene strap that wraps around the base of cock and balls to help improve erection.

Cock Sucking – see “fellatio” if you don’t already know.

Cock Torture – Cock and ball torture without the ball torture. Giving pain only to the penis shaft.

Color Codes – such as the hanky code of sexual preference.

Collar and Leash – Worn by the bottom during this type of BDSM play. The Dominant holds the leash and the bottom must follow and obey. Click Here and Click Here

Condom – Latex “rubber” that goes over the penis to prevent semen from entering a vagina. Also known as “rain coat” and “gym cap.”

Consent – To give approval. The BDSM code of “safe, sane and consensual” or “SSC” is the cornerstone of BDSM play. With consent being the most important.

Contract – A written agreement between D/s partners outlining the extent of their relationship. These contracts cannot be legally enforced, but they are often used to define the relationship. See also Slave Contracts.

Control – The Dominant should have control in one form or another over his submissive in any D/s relationship.

Coprolagnia – Sexual excitement derived from eating feces

Coprolalia – Sexual excitement from dirty words

Coprophilia – Gaining sexual pleasure from scat play.

Corporal Punishment – Retributive punishment using repetitive spankings and question and reply to change a bottom’s behavior.

Corset – Very popular clothing item that cinches and narrows the waist and gives the female an “hourglass” figure. Click Here

Crop – A type of whip used in horseback riding, quite popular in BDSM scenes. It stings and can mark a butt severely, but is easy to master and quite reasonable in price. Click Here

Cross – see St. Andrew’s Cross.

Cross Dressing – Dressing in clothing worn by the opposite sex. Does not indicate sexually preference in any way.

Crucifixion – BDSM play wherein a submissive is tied to a cross.

Cuff – A metal or leather bondage device that locks round a limb and can be used to immobilize the sub’s limbs. Click Here

Cunnilingus – Licking and sucking the cunt.

Cunt Torture – Stimulation or pain inflicted on the female genitals. Click Here

Cupping – The placing of suction devices on the skin to increase blood flow. Typically these are used on the nipples and the genitalia. Increasing the blood flow increase sensation as well.

Cutting – Cutting the submissive’s skin with a sterile knife. These can be either temporary or permanent. Made permanent by putting sterile foreign substances into them before they heal. Not for beginners.

D

DM – Acronym for Dungeon Monitor. In a BDSM play party, they watch the scenes to make sure house rules are followed and the play is safe.

DP – Double penetration.

D/s – Popular abbreviation for Dominance and submission. A relationship between a Top and bottom where one is Dominant and the other submissive. Can be for a scene or can be a long-term relationship or anything in between. (Also called Dom-sub, DS, D/S, D&S.)

Dacryphilia – Sexual arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of one’s partner. Something sadists sometimes find enjoyable or arousing.

Daddy – A role taken on by some dominants; especially common in age play.

Depilation – Removal of hair. Many Dominants require their submissive to shave certain areas, their whole body or just their pubic hair.

Dildo – A manufactured penis-shaped object.

Discipline – Whipping, spanking, verbal orders, etc for the purpose of training a submissive.

Dittle Sound – A straight urethral sound.

Dog-Training – Role-play games involving treating the bottom as a dog. Similar to Pony Training where the bottom is treated like a pony.

Dom – Short for Dominant.

Dominant – A Top. who controls a bottom, submissive, or slave.

Domination – Taking the Dominant role – controlling the bottom’s behavior, it can be role-play or in a D/s relationship.

Dominatrix – A Domme; it implies being a professional.

Domme – A female Dominant. Can also be used interchangeably with Mistress

Double Penetration – Simultaneous penetration of the ass and Pussy.

Douche, Douching – Injecting of a liquid, usually water, into the asshole or pussy, usually for hygiene purposes prior to sex or ass play.

Duct Tape – Also known as gaffer’s tape; used in many BDSM scenes (such as taping the submissive’s mouth shut).

Dungeon – Dramatic term for a BDSM or Bondage playroom.

E

EMS Unit – see Tens Unit

Ecdyosis – Sexual arousal from stripping in front of an audience

Ecdysiast – A stripper

Edgeplay – Technically, this refers to knife play. But it has come to mean anything “on the edge.” Or considered “Extreme” It can even include fisting, asphyxia, play piercings, needle play, etc. One person’s edge can be another’s norm so there are no hard and fast rules defining what “edgeplay” is.

Edgeplayer – A person who partakes in edgeplay.

Electrical Play – Using electricity for stimulation. Professionally made electrical units are to be used – like the “tens” unit and the “violet wand.” Not for beginners.

Electrolysis – Permanent electric hair removal.

Electrotorture -Another, more dramatic, term for electrical play.

Emasculation – Permanent removal of the male sex organs. Sometimes simulated through the use of a chastity device or through a dominants restrictions forbidding typical male behavior such a urinating while standing.

Endorphin – A chemical produced in the body that seems to be involved in regulating the perception of pain. Endorphins give a “rush” similar to adrenaline (which is released simultaneously) and it is speculated that their release is the cause of the Phenomenon known as “subspace.”

Enema – A thorough anal douche using a bag and tube.

Enema Play – Using the enema as a BDSM device in play.

Enforced Chastity – Chastity play where the Dom controls a sub’s sexual frequency and ability to experience sexual pleasure, usually with a chastity belt or other chastity device.

Extreme Restraints – A Bondage device that is very strict or terribly confining, usually not something used on beginners.

F

Face Fucking – another term for a blowjob. .

Fainting – A temporary loss of consciousness. Caused by lack of oxygen to the brain, can happen during extreme BDSM play – such as breath control, long pain sessions, etc. Can be dangerous (brain damage) when caused by breath control play.

Felching – Imbibing semen out of the vagina or anus

Fellatio – Giving head, a blow-job (BJ), going down on someone, being face fucked: the act of sucking or licking a penis, or having a penis inserted in the mouth.

Fellatrix – Someone whose specialty is Fellatio.

Femdom – A female dominant

Female Domination – Being controlled or lead by a female.

Fetish, Fetishism – An unusual obsession with something. Like a leather fetish, a latex fetish or a shoe fetish. Fetishes are only limited by the human imagination.

Fetish Attire – Clothes that reflect the wearer’s particular fetish, such as leather, latex, rubber or high heels.

Financial Domination – Controlling another’s financial matters or money.

Fire Play – The use of fire in sexual play.

Fisting – also called fist fucking and FF. Attempting to place the whole hand into the rectum or vagina. Must be done with great care and sterility. Can provide exceptional orgasms.

Flagellation – BDSM-related whipping, beating and spanking for erotic stimulation.

Flogger – a multi-tailed leather implement.

Flogging – using a “flogger” on a submissive.

Foley Catheter – Type of catheter that can be inflated with sterile water.

Foot Worship – A foot fetish where the submissive worships the Dominants feet, usually in high heel shoes or boots.

Freeplay – BDSM play where there is no Domination or submission.

Frenum – Piercing the surface of the penis shaft.

Forced Lactation – Continual stimulation and sucking of the female nipple can sometimes produce milk. Also known as forced breast milking

G

Gaffer’s Tape – see Duct Tape.

Galateism – Sexual attraction to statues

Gauge – System of grading the thickness. The lower the number, the thicker the wire or material.

Genitorture – Pain play involving the genitals. (See Ball Torture, Cock and Ball Torture, Cunt Torture).

Gerontophilla – Preference for sex with the elderly

Go Down On – Still another of the endless terms for fellatio.

Golden Showers – Urination play. Also called (duh) “piss play.” And GS.

Gym Cap – Slang for condom.

Gynemimetophilia – Person sexually aroused by a female impersonator

H

Hafada – Piercing through the upper part of the scrotum.

Handcuffs – Commonly used BDSM device to restrain the wrists.

Hanky Code – Old guard leather community’s color code of sexual preference.

Harness – Elaborate bondage device made with leather straps worn on the body

Harpaxophilia – Arousal from being robbed

Hedralingus – Licking someone’s anus (also called rimming.)

Henna – A brown dye made from the leaves of the henna plant. Used in temporary tattoos.

High Heels – Popular objects of foot fetishists, along with boots.

Hobble Skirt – Very narrow skirt that restricts the wearer’s ability to take anything other than tiny steps.

Homilophilia – Sexual arousal from hearing sermons

Hood – A head covering, usually made of leather, that the Dominant wears to increase the “fear factor” in a BDSM scene or a submissive is made to wear to provide some degree of sensory deprivation.

Horse – In bondage, it is a modification of a sawhorse over which a submissive can be tied. Sometimes called a spanking bench.

Hypophilia – Breath play wherein sexual pleasure is derived from limiting the intake of oxygen. Usually accomplished by temporary choking. Very Dangerous.

I

Iantronudia – Sexual arousal from exposing oneself to a medical doctor

Iconolagny – Sexual arousal from statues of nude people

Immobilization – Extreme form of bondage where no body parts can move, one example is mummification. Not for beginners.

Infantilism – Role-play as a young child for sex play

Infibulation – closing off, obstructing or modifying, either permanently or temporarily, the male or female genitalia so as to alter or prevent the conduct of sexual intercourse.

J

John – A person who patronizes prostitutes.

Japanese Clover Nipple Clamps – Type of adjustable nipple clamps that tightens as it is pulled. General preferred because they won’t easily slip off.

K

Kleptolagnia – Sexual arousal from stealing

Klismaphilia – Sexual arousal from giving or getting enemas

Knife Play – A specific form of “edgeplay” where the Dominant uses a knife to either cut or tease the submissive.

Knot – The easiest way to fasten rope in bondage.

Knismolagnia – Sexual arousal from tickling

Kolpeuryntomania – Sexual arousal from forced dilation of the vagina

L

Lactaphilia – Sexual arousal from lactating breasts

Lash – A strike from a whip, paddle, crop or flogger.

Latex Play – Play which uses paint on latex.

Leather – One of the most popular of fetish materials; many get excited by the look and/or feel of leather clothing, boots, etc.

Legcuffs – large handcuffs intended to be used to immobilize or restrict movement of the ankles

Leg Irons – Steel ankle cuffs. Patterned after British prisoner restraints. “Put him in irons!”

Limit – The point beyond which a submissive does not allow the Dominant to go. It can be a “soft limit” which can change over time, or a “hard limit” which is more or less written in stone. For example, a submissive might say, “fisting is my hard limit.” Or soft!

Lorum – Piercing through the skin on the underside of the penis.

Lunge Whip – see Quirt.

M

Ma’am – Term of respect for a female Dominant.

M/s – Master/slave. (Also, less popularly, MS, M&S or M-s)

Macrogenitalism – Sexual arousal from outsized genitals

Maid – Popular role-play where the submissive dresses up – and acts like – a maid.

Maieusiophilia – Sexual arousal from pregnant women

Malacca – A thick cane.

Maledom, male dom – A male Dominant.

Male Domination – BDSM play where a male is the one in control or who controls the submissive.

Mammagymnophilia – Sexual arousal from female breasts

Manacle – Metal restraints.

Martinet – Small flogger.

Masochist – One who gets pleasure from pain.

Master – Dominant, controlling partner in a D/s relationship, where the submissive partner is known as the slave.

Medical Scene – BDSM scene involving medical scenarios.

Menophilist – Sexual arousal from women on their period

Mentor – A teacher or advisor who often shows a “newbie” around the world of BDSM and D/s. Mistress – Female analogue of Master.

Merinthophilia – Sexual arousal from bondage

Mistress – Female counterpart for Master, a female dominant.

Mommy – Analogue of Daddy in BDSM play. Sometimes submissives call their Mistress “Mommy.”

Mousetraps – Used as a BDSM device for nipple torture. A severe and pain cheap nipple clamp.

Mummification – A unique kind of bondage scene in which the whole body is wrapped tightly in a film – typically plastic wrap. (You NEVER thought it would be used for that, did you?). Not for beginners.

N

Nailing – BDSM play where the scrotum or breasts are nailed to a board.

Nasogastric tube – Used in control scenes such as forced feeding.

Nasolingus – Sexual arousal from nose sucking

Necrochlesis – Sex with a corpse

Necrophilia – Sexual gratification from sex with the dead

Needle Play – another “edgeplay” where sterilized needles are inserted through the top layer of the skin (the epidermis). Most popularly it is done underneath and around the female nipple and the breast. Not for beginners.

Negotiation – discussing hard and soft limits and related items of BDSM taste before any play or relationship begins. It helps in defining Safe, Sane and Consensual between the dominant and submissive.

Newbie – Someone new to something such the BDSM play or lifestyle.

Nipple Clamps – Devices that clamp onto the nipples. Weights can be attached to stretch the nipples. Nipple Clamps often provide increased stimulation which can involve pain and pleasure. See Also, Japanese Clover Nipple Clamps, Alligator Nipple Clamps, Tweezer Nipple Clamps

Nipple Rings – Jewelry that looks like small hoop earrings that are inserted through pierced nipples. Another popular jewelry style for pierced nipples is the barbell. There also non-permanent nipple rings which stay attached by pinching the nipple.

Nipple Torture – To cause pain to the nipples. Typically by using nipple clamps, needles, mousetraps, pulling and twisting, etc.

Nipple Shield – Decorative nipple jewelry the encircles or even covers the nipple.

Nipple Weights – Usually weights suspended from either nipple clamps or from nipple piercings.

Novice – see Newbie.

O

Oculolictus – Eyeball-licking

Odaxelangnia – Sexual arousal from biting

Odontophilia – A tooth fetish

Ophidiophilia – Sexual arousal from snakes

Oral Sex – Sex involving contact between mouth and any other sexual organ.

Orogastric Tube – A tube from mouth to stomach. Used in force feeding scenes. Not for beginners.

Osphresiolagnia – Sexual arousal from foul smells

OTK – “Over the Knee” spanking were the subject is placed over the lap of the person administering the spanking.

P

PA – see Prince Albert.

PE – see Power Exchange.

Paddle – A flat instrument used for spanking purposes; usually made of wood or some other rigid material.

Padlock – Common type of lock used in BDSM play. Use to secure bondage restraints, securely fasten chain links together, as labia weights, etc.

Pain – Pain causes the release of endorphins that is thought causes the submissive to go into subspace.

Pain Games – BDSM play involving pain.

Pain Slut – Popular expression for a submissive who loves pain. Also a masochist

Pain Threshold – The point at which stimulation becomes pain.

Pansexuality – BDSM activities encompassing all sexualities, heterosexual, homosexual, trangender, etc.

Parachute Ball Stretcher – A toy resembling a parachute from which weights can be suspended in ball torture scenes.

Phallophilia – Fetish for large penises. Something most women have.

Permanent Piercing – Piercing the body in order to insert jewelry that is intended to be worn on at least a semi-permanent basis.

Piss Play – see Water Sports, Golden Showers.

Play Piercing – Piercing the body temporarily. All piercings are removed at the end of the session.

Podophilia – See Foot Fetish

Pony Play – Role-play scene where the submissive takes on the role of a pony. Can be very elaborate.

Power Exchange – The dynamic whereby the Dominant is consensually given power over the submissive, whether for just the scene or for a relationship. Sometimes called Total Power Exchange or TPE.

Press Style Nipple Clamps – These are nipple clamps that press the nipple between two pieces of metal usually forced together by a thumb screw. The thumb screw allows them to be squeezed tight or jut enough to stay in place.

Prince Albert – Also known as a PA. A male piercing between the urethra and the underside of the penis. Not named after the Prince of Monaco.

Puppy Play – Perhaps the most popular of animal RPGs. Here, the submissive actually mimics a puppy. Sometimes it can evolve into a lifestyle where the “puppy” even sleeps in a cage.

Pushy Bottom – Old school phrase for a very demanding bottom. Associated with Topping from the bottom.

Pussy Torture – The use of BDSM devices – such as clamps – on the female gential area to produce pain.

Pygmalianism – Sex with statues or inanimate objects

Pygophilemania – Sexual arousal from kissing butt cheeks

Q

Quirt – A type of buggy whip used for whipping the submissive. Easier and safer to use than a bullwhip.

R

RPG – Abbreviation for Role Play Games.

Rack – Bondage furniture patterned after the infamous torture device of the Inquisition. The bottom is put on it and “stretched” – but not in the extreme fatal way.

Real Life or Real Time – r/l or r/t – as opposed to virtual or cyber life.

Red – Most common safe word meaning stop.

Restraint – Limiting the bottom’s movement with the use of various bondage gear, equipment or devices.

Restriction – Limiting the bottom’s behavior or physical movement.

Riding Crop – see Crop.

Rimming – Tongue contact with the rectum or asshole.

Ring Gag – A device that keeps the submissive’s mouth wide open. Also called a “piss gag”

Role Play Games – Taking fantasy roles in BDSM scenes. For example, nurse or doctor/patient, etc.

Rope – The most common of bondage equipment.

Rubber – After leather, the most popular fetish material.

S

SAM – Smart Assed Masochist. A pseudo submissive who attempts to control everything the dominant does.

S&M – Sadism and masochism. One who enjoy administering pain and one who enjoys receiving pain.

S/m – Modern term for S & M. Also SM, S/M, SMer

Sadist – An individual who enjoys causing pain. The term dates back to the Marquis de Sade.

Sadomasochism – The perversion of taking pleasure, especially sexual gratification from simultaneous sadism and masochism.

Safe, Sane and Consensual – A popular slogan in the BDSM world meaning that play should always be safe, with good judgment exercised. And, most importantly, it MUST be consensual.

Safe Word – A word or phrase a submissive can use to stop his or her scene. It is absolute. If a Dominant disregards a submissive’s safe word, that Dominant is considered “unsafe.” The most common safe word is “RED!” Some also use a caution word such as “Yellow” to signify that the dominant is approaching a limit.

Saint Andrew’s Cross – A popular piece of BDSM furniture where a submissive can be conveniently tied or cuffed to it and rendered immobile. It looks like a big cross!

Safe Sex – Using condoms and taking all necessary health precautions during sex.

Saran Wrap – Brand of cling film used in mummification scenes.

Scat – Fecal play. An abbreviation for “scatological.”

Scene – A BDSM session. Can be used to refers to “public scene” at a party where the participants let others watch or a “Private scene” where just the dominant and submissive are present.

Schoolgirl Role-play – Popular RPG wherein the submissive is the “bad school girl” and the Dominant is the “teacher.”

Self-Bondage – The practice of performing bondage on oneself by oneself.

Shackle – Metal or leather bondage restraint device consisting of round cuffs joined by a chain or bar.

Shaving – It is very common in BDSM for submissives to shave their pubic hair.

Shoe Fetish – One who enjoys shoes. Popular fetish, even in the vanilla world.

Slapper – Rigged paddle modified to make a loud sound.

Slave – A term used interchangeably with “submissive.” Some consider a slave a more extreme version of a submissive.

Slave Contract – A signed consensual contract, wherein a submissive or slave cedes to the Dom or Master a specified set of powers over her for a set period of time. Although legally unenforceable, it is still a powerful document between dominant and slave

Sound – Medical device to be inserted into the urethra in medical play. Also called “urethral sounds.”

Spanking – To slap on the buttocks with the open hand, or a short flat object such as a paddle or a hairbrush. Used as both punishment and/or in role-play context in BDSM scenes.

Spanking Bench – BDSM furniture, a variation on the saw horse, onto which a submissive is attached (by cuffs, rope, etc.) for the Dominant to spank and play with.

Speculum – Medical device intended for opening and examining the rectum or vagina; used mostly in “doctor/medical scene” play.

Spencer Paddle – Type of wooden paddle with holes drilled though it.

Spreader Bar – A long metal rod that holds the submissive legs, thighs or even wrists wide apart.

Stigmatophilia – Sexual attraction to those with body modifications or tattoos

Stocks – A piece of bondage furniture patterned after the Puritan model. The head and hands go through holes while the submissive is standing.

Straitjacket, Straightjacket – Confining device used mostly in psychiatric wards to restrain the insane. It is intended to prevent the movement of the arms and is usually impossible to remove without assistance.

Strangling – see Breath Control.

Strapon – A belt or harness that has a dildo attached. IT allows the wearer the ability to fuck another either in the vagina or anus.

Strapping – Another term for a “beating”.

Sub – see Submissive.

Subby – see Submissive.

Subbie – see Submissive.

Submission – The act of submitting to the will and desire of another, usually within negotiated limits.

Submissive – An individual who consents to give up power to a Dominant. This can be for any duration – for an hour or a lifetime.

Subspace – A state of mind and body – often like a trance – caused by endorphins emitted during a BDSM scene.

Surface Burn – A temporary brand, usually produced with copper wire heated less hot than steel used in making a permanent brand.

Surface Piercing – Temporary piercing through the skin’s surface.

Suspension – suspending a submissive with ropes, webbing or chain so that no part of the body touches the floor. Not recommended for beginners.

Switch – A person who can both Top and bottom depending on the situation and his partner. Many switches have switches as partners.

T

24/7 – A 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. At all times.

TENS Unit – Acronym for Transcutaneous Electrical Neural Stimulation unit. Used for sexual stimulation is electrical play scenes. See also Violet Wand.

TPE – Total Power Exchange; term reserved for established 24/7 Master/slave relationships.

TT – Tit torture.

Temporary Piercing – Piercing the body temporarily. All piercings are removed at the end of the session. Same as play piercing.

Thermolysis – A form of electrical hair removal.

Thong Whip – A whip made of thing strands of either leather or rubber. When swing lightly it will not cause much pain, when swung hard it can cause considerable pain.

Timophilia – Sexual arousal from wealth, yet another thing most females have even if the wont admit to it.

Top – A Dominant, the person who is in charge or has control.

Topping from the bottom – This is where a submissive dictates the action in a scene, something that is highly frowned upon. Can also be used in real time context. When a submissive becomes too demanding.

Torture – term meaning to cause pain.

Toy, BDSM – Any piece of equipment used in a BDSM scene.

Tragus – Piercing through the ridge on the face side of the ear hole.

Transgender – Not quite male, not quite female.

Transgenderism – incorporating manners, behaviors, appearance, etc of the opposite sex while still maintaining some of the above of your biological sex.

Tweezer Nipple Clamps – A style of nipple clamp that is like a pair of tweezers with a ring around the outside. As you push the ring toward the pincher ends, it causes the clamp to tighten or bite harder.

U

Urethral Play – Play involving the urethra, the tube that runs between the bladder and the outside of the body. Not for beginners.

Urethral Sound – Medical device to be inserted into the urethra in medical play.

Urolagnia – Sexual excitement from urine or the act of urination

V

Vacuum Pumping – Using the suction of a vacuum to increase the size of body parts.

Vampirism – Sexual arousal caused by drinking blood

Vanilla – People not in the BDSM or Fetish lifestyle. Most people, whether admitted or not have some sort of fetish.

Violet Wand – An electric device usually in form of a glass cylinder, which uses the effect of high frequency electric charges to apply intense stimulation.

Virtual life or Virtual Time – v/l or v/t – often used to describe “online life” as opposed to r/l (real life).

W

WS – see Water Sports.

Water Sports – The sexual enjoyment of urine play. Also called Golden Showers (or GS).

Wattenburg Wheel – A medical pinwheel that is commonly used in BDSM play to stimulate or cause a feeling sensation.

Wax Play – Play in which the Dominant brings hot wax on the submissive’s skin.

Web – A bondage device, popular in many dungeons, created with ropes that are spun like a spider’s web.

Weights – Used to stretch body parts such as nipples and labia; usually attached to clamps or piercings.

Whip – Usually made of leather with a medium size handle and long braided leather strings.

Whipping Post – In olden times, a post to which offenders were fastened for whippings. Reproductions are sometimes used in BDSM dungeons.

X

Y

Z

Zelophilia – Sexual arousal from jealousy

Categories : Featured

Bondage lovers normal, maybe even happier

Posted on by Jarl Mezentius

By Tamara McLean

200809211600.jpg

AN unusual sex survey has found that Australians who enjoy bondage and discipline are not damaged or dangerous, and might even be happier than those who practise “normal” sex.

The research showed 2 per cent of adult Australians regularly partake in sadomasochism and dominance and submission-type sexual role play.

And contrary to commonly-held stereotypes, they are not doing so in reaction to sexual abuse or because they are “sexually deficient” in some way, according the study of 20,000 Australians by public health researchers at the University of New South Wales.

“Our findings support the idea that bondage and discipline and sadomasochism (BDSM) is simply a sexual interest or subculture attractive to a minority,” Associate Professor Juliet Richters and her colleagues wrote in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The findings showed that it was more common among gay, lesbian and bisexual people, and that participants were more likely to have been more sexually adventurous in other ways.

“However, they were no more likely to have been coerced into sexual activity and were not significantly more likely to be unhappy or anxious,” said Prof Richters, author of the book Doing It Down Under.

In fact, men who take part may be happier, with results showing they score significantly lower on a scale of psychological distress than other men.

The researchers did not study why this was, but suspect it might simply be that they’re more in harmony with themselves because they’re into something unusual and are comfortable with that.

Prof Richters says the findings go against professional views of BDSM.

“People with these sexual interests have long been seen by medicine and the law as, at best, damaged and in need of therapy and, at worst, dangerous and in need of legal regulation,” she said.

There was also an assumption, mostly among the general public, that people involved in BDSM were sexually deficient in some way, “and need particularly strong stimuli such as being beaten or tied up to become aroused”.

She said she hoped the results would help change these stereotypes.

[From Bondage lovers normal, maybe even happier | NEWS.com.au]

Categories : News

Play Safe

Posted on July 11, 2008 by Jarl Mezentius

This thread has been deliberately created for inclusion in the Bondage-Radio Forums “Play Safe” section. Members are encouraged to participate in these discussions.

200809161132.jpg

The subject of Fetish Safety and Sexual Predators has come up on several forums and discussion boards lately. For the novice submissive there is a lot of information available, however difficult it may be to locate on the web. Searching through the tons of Profiles and Listings on the net may be easy enough, but finding solid information about the warning signs of predators can leave a searcher in the dark. The Novice Dominant may find even less information as the general misperception exists, both in and out of the lifestyle, that only submissives are subject to abuse.

THE ACID TEST By DrSpankenStein@AOL.com

Introduction

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

Step One: Do the Math

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e., natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given D/s oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

Step Two: Know Your Enemy

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need, and he will likely give you many things you don’t (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).

The Snert

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply ‘easy lays.’ Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won’t make demands on there sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

The HNG (Horny Net Geek)

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about there D/s jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in D/s chats for hours on end learning the ‘lingo.’ The are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

Control Freaks

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be ‘quite right.’ While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their ‘hooks’ into you its very hard to get untangled.

Rapists and Predators

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! There motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the in’s and out’s of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him (because you will feel more comfortable during that first Scene). Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn’t need to play ‘hard to get.’

Step 3: Know your goal!

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. SO ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do’s and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that that it’s your ASS that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy is something you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing to you!

Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations. It’s a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don’t look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.

ABOVE ALL, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally ‘nice guy’ you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don’t let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn’t likely to make demands until its time to play.

Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!” is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don’t have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.” This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]” This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

Test #5: “I don’t have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! Its literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

Test #6: “Its my way or the highway!” or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but its your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s ALWAYS LADY’S CHOICE!

Test #7: Don’t bother with online collars. Don’t make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is NO. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he say’s ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don’t even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

Test #9 “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, TV producer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]” Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into D/s, he’s likely a submissive! I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

Test #10 “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.” Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Doms level of experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year old boys don’t care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using clearacil?

Test #11 Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world its considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. But in the D/s Scene its the opposite, experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

Test #12 “I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can’t talk to them.” Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a ‘dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST!

Test #13 “I don’t need safe words.” Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn’t need safewords either. Need I say more?

Test #14 “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.” If you hear a “dom” say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e., full time) D/s relationships should involve some careful negotiation.

Test #15 “I’m Married, my wife can’t know about us” If I have to explain this one too you, you’ve got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but ONLY with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe D/s requires complete honesty. You can’t build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

Test #16 Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a “dom” that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don’t make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live there D/s lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and or mental abuse that uses D/s as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real D/s.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell. Leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can’t, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

In Closing

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real life D/s? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

GLOSSARY

BDSM – an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Domination, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism.

Collar – a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak – slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.

Cyber – slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex – interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal.

D/s – abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom – abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant. A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate sexual encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme – abbr. or slang for a female sexual Dominant. See also Dom.

HNG – acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit – something that either partner in a D/s relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning D/s play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master – A title of honor for a (male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing.

Mistress – A title of honor for a (female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing.

Safe Word – a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net – a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to setting up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do this!

Sexual Masochist – a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli.

Sexual Sadist – a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it pleasurable.

Slave – a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant.

Sub – abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive. A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate sexual situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage, and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene – slang for relating to D/s. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of D/s. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie – common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually a female submissive.

Vanilla – slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to sexual Dominance and submission.

Victim – a victim of abuse that uses D/s to “legitimize” her tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe – derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real life player in D/s. Most often used in reference to females that pretend to be sexual submissives.

[copyright DrSpakenStein@AOL.com All rights reserved. ]

Categories : Featured

Bondage, Toys, and the Myths in Between – Associated Content

Posted on December 13, 2007 by Jarl Mezentius

Bondage, Toys, and the Myths in Between – Associated Content
By cw
bdsm-kit-bondage-10.jpg“BSDM”: a tricky acronym that seems to be very confusing to many. Yet when broken down, it is really quite simple. Each letter of this acronym corresponds to each other. B & D = Bondage and Discipline. D & S = Dominance and Submission. S & M= Sadomasochism.

This lingo may still be confusing to you. But it’s good to know that “BSDM” can refer to any of these ideas, and unlike many who believe this, BDSM is not a negative or hurtful thing when it comes to sex.

Many may hear the word “bondage” and run scared, thinking of it as too wild or sick or “out there” to even dare try.

What many do not know is that even the simplest acts of erotica used in bed or wherever, are in fact considered BDSM. If you’ve ever used a blindfold, whipped cream, ice cubes or feathers to entice your partner, you have engaged in BDSM.

Sexual tension is something that occurs within both members of the opposite sex. BDSM is an excellent way to release this tension and discover sides of you and your partner that would otherwise not be seen in a normal session under the sheets.

In most cases, one person chooses to be the dominant and one choose to be the submissive. Self-explanatory, but in essence, the dominant partner is the one in charge; the submissive chooses to be “submitted.” And contradictory to popular belief, it isn’t just the dominant partner who gets what they want; the submissive gets what they want, if not more, sexually. To keep things interesting, it is not uncommon for partners to switch these roles.

Overall, BDSM is a way to explore yourself and your partner sexually. It’s a harmonious agreement between two people to react upon each other’s deepest needs, fantasies and desires.

Hopefully this will remove any stereotype or negative connation that “bondage” is all hardcore sex or infliction of pain for pleasure. Yes, the pleasure part is correct. But when a couple decides to engage in this activity, they are not physically harming each other for pleasure…it is more the idea of being submitted by someone else that is the turn-on.

Just like BDSM, it’s all too common a misconception that toys used for bondage may, in fact, hurt your partner or significant other. Rather, this is a silly thought when remembering what these type of sex objects are made for…They are “toys” after all. They are not meant to physically damage, but physically please.

Popular bondage toys like handcuffs, whips, paddles and feathers have been around for years and have been used by couples, swingers, lovers, and nymphos, for ages. There is something about being tied up naked, held hostage in bed or teased to the point of orgasm that entices people to use these objects. They are simply a turn-on.

Luckily, these days we have the freedom of choice. Handcuffs do not have to be the standard plastic black; they can be any color you like while the material can be whatever feels pleasing to the skin, from sexy leather to sensual Japanese silk. For those who really enjoy being in charge, they even have cuffs for the neck, ankles and legs of your partner as well.

Whips, paddles and nipple clamps are also popular S&M toys, all of which are sold in variation. Like many bondage products, whips, as well as nipple clamps, may sound dangerous. But again, the whip itself cannot cause any serious physical pain, but rather is used is a form of foreplay or sexual engagement before actual intercourse.

As far as nipple plants go, do not run scared (especially men.) In most cases the clamp simply vibrates, if anything at all, and this should not be painful but stimulating to the body.

There are more objects that fall into the bondage category whether they really belong there or not. An example of this is the ever-popular “sex swing,” which is accurately more a toy than a bondage object. The swing, however, is excellent for those who like trying out new sexual positions, not to mention those who like producing many, many big O’s for you and your partner.

If you’re new to bondage, start out simple. Even the seemingly harmless combination of a blindfold and feather can work wonders for your partner.

These toys were made for sexual pleasure. Enhance your erotic desires and live out your sexual fantasies.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

Categories : Featured

Alternative-lifestyle event seeks alternative location

Posted on August 11, 2004 by Jarl Mezentius

Despite a judge’s order, the organizer of “Whipstock” promises the alternative lifestyle event will go on.

Just not in Oakfield Township.

The three-day event — catering to people into dominance and submission, bondage and discipline — will be held at a new but undetermined location Aug. 20-22, organizers said.

Friday, Rockford District Judge Steven Servaas severely limited the number of cars and people that could be at the property of Jewell and Rex Cowan on 11 Mile Road NE, where Whipstock has been held for the last three years, drawing more than 250 people.

Servaas cited zoning restrictions on the property. The issue was brought to the court by Oakfield Township officials after they received complaints from neighbors.

Rex Cowan claims the township’s action is selectively punitive and unconstitutional, but said there will be no appeal — at least not until after Whipstock.

For now, Cowan, 46, said the group is considering several area locations and believes he has a commercially zoned spot that would help avoid the zoning issues encountered in northeastern Kent County, where his home is zoned rural residential.

“I’m confident we will find a location,” Cowan said Tuesday. He said the location will not be revealed until a couple of days before the event, and then only to those who have registered to attend.

Contrary to allegations by neighbors and township officials, who argued the event constitutes a sexually oriented business, Cowan said there are no demonstrations of sex or public sex acts. However, he does not deny that the content of some of the discussions are sexually explicit.

No one has come forward to say they witnessed any sexual activity during the event in past years.

Cowan said the major focus of the event is to raise funds for his organization, Immediate Family Inc.

The organization provides “safehouses,” where people who have experienced abuse or harassment because of their alternative lifestyle can stay for three to seven days, no questions asked, Cowan said.

In seven years, Immediate Family has established 100 safehouses in 50 states, Great Britain and Austria, Cowan said.

“We want to reintroduce these people to society, return them to their families if that’s what they want,” he said.

Cowan said the charity does not generate income. He gets by as a tattoo and piercing specialist and his wife, Jewell Cowan, 33, is a peer counselor.

Forty percent of the funding for the organization comes from Whipstock, where a cover charge and donations cover the event, he said. It costs $60 to register at the door and $35 to pre-register.

The event — limited to 325 people — includes presentations by nationally known “sexual radicals” and gives rules for the demonstrations, which include etiquette for using other people’s “toys” and safe words participants can use to stop the activities if they get too intense.

The event is similar to others around the nation.

Whipstock includes a potluck, raffle, pig roast and usually a wedding. The group’s Web site also says the Kent County Health Department would be offering HIV screening.

Cowan said he realizes linking his charity to something called “Whipstock” has its drawbacks.

“Somebody suggested the name, and it seemed cute at the time,” he said. “Hindsight being 20/20, maybe I would have done it differently.”

He said the people who come to Immediate Family for help — usually women — often need basic assistance and are escaping abusive partners or situations.

The publicity surrounding the Cowan’s court case and the event forced the couple to shut down the safehouse at their Oakfield home, he said. He worries about what his 14-year-old daughter and 4-year-old triplets will face because of what their parents do. He’s not sure if they will remain at their home.

“If one person looks at the Web site and gets help, it will be worth it.”

Categories : News