Archive for bdsm

Sex EDGE-U-cation With Blade Bannon — Podcast #280 – 05/23/11

Hey sex fans, welcome back!

The very talented Blade Bannon, erotic photographer, author and prominent kinkster, is back with us this week. This is Part 2 of our conversation about his life and work.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of his appearance on this show, which appeared here last week at this time, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #278 and Voilà! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Blade and I discuss:

  • His life in BDSM as a spiritual journey;
  • His leather family;
  • His approach to mentoring;
  • Starting out as a leather ”boy”;
  • The Dom and sub mindsets;
  • The recreational and cathartic aspects of BDSM;
  • Daddy/boy role-play.

Blade invites you to visit him on his site HERE!
And be sure to pick up a copy of his book HERE!

(Click on the thumbnails below to see a slideshow of some of Blade’s photography.)

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: Adam & Eve.com.

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Introducing BDSM to Your Partner

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So you are into BDSM or you think that you may be into and have a problem with introducing your desires to your partner. What if BDSM is not acceptable for her or him? What if you turn your partner away? A lot of questions arise and many people stop at that point. I would like to encourage you to go ahead and give it a try, some stats may give you more confidence.

Some interesting stats on BDSM

Unlike you could think bondage and pain are very common in bedrooms all other the world, several researches show that up to 15% of population use BDSM practices on regular basis and almost 50% of people have a positive erotical reaction on pain. So the chances are your partner is craving for spanking and bondage even more than you do, but is hesitating just like you.

But how?

Ok, many people like it, but how do I ask my partner to try BDSM for the first time? The answer is as short as it’s hard. Just talk to your partner. You should be prepared for the discussion. If you don’t usually talk about sex and the things that turn you on, make it your habit.

Make a list of fantasies that you would like to try, keep it simple for the first time, and let your partner choose the things that may turn both of you on. Maybe you will have an additional list of you partner’s fantasies that you also would like to try. Sometimes people we think we know surprise us.

Don’t try it all at once. Yes, that latex whipping scene in metal bondage on a spaceship was very hot, but try to concentrate on one or two things that you desire most. You can try the sex on spaceship later anyway.

Safe words

Safe words are the other topic you should discuss before the BDSM session. Safe words in BDSM practice are used to stop or slow down the action. Sometimes the shouts “stop” and “no” can mean quite the opposite, especially during flogging or roleplaying, so you should choose the words that will not be commonly used during your sessions, something like “Japan” or “plum”.

Bondage

First option is to try some light bondage. Forget about huge metal constructions and St. Andrew’s cross you’ve seen in a movies on those sites. You don’t want you partner to run away in fear, do you? Although handcuffs from an adult online store are a good idea but I personally recommend trying something like a scarf or piece of cotton rope. Do not use pantyhose or silk scarf. They are too thin and can cut the blood circulation, so don’t use them until you got some expertise.

Tie your partner to a bedpost, a chair, a banister if you have one or just tie the hands behind the back. Bear in mind that in case of hands behind you can’t lay the partner on the back, it’s uncomfortable. Tease your partner with pain or pleasure, that’s your choice, surprise is a part of fun, but don’t forget the set limits.

Spanking

Most of pairs practicing BDSM use spanking at least as part of foreplay and it’s accepted as a common practice even by those who are not into BDSM, so why don’t you try it first. Bend you partner other the knees, or tie the partner to the bed to add tension and give a slap. Don’t rush, spank slow and easy at first, pay attention to partner’s reaction. Don’t push your partner too hard, in best case you should slow down before you hear the safe word.

In fact some people can wait and endure the pain just because they want your approval. Don’t abuse these good feelings, you need to find the pain limits of your partner based both on verbal and nonverbal reactions.

Whipping

Whipping is a more complicated matter than spanking as it involves using the tools like floggers, belts, whips and so on. Adult stores nowadays offer a wide variety of devices that can look hot for you, but don’t forget that they can scare off your partner. Try a soft flogger at first.

Choose the flogger with many wide tails, the wider the better. Make sure it’s made of soft leather or suede and try it on your own hand. Remember, this is all to make your partner feel comfortable and get him used to the BDSM techniques. Show the device to your partner before the session, let him or her get used to it.

As with spanking start slow and easy as you are not professional yet, be careful. Try to focus on buttocks as they are less vulnerable to an accidental damage. Be sure to read some additional literature on whipping technique as it is very important for your partners health.

Go on and try!

To sum it all up starting practicing BDSM with your partner is rather simple, so go ahead and try. I’ve prepared a short list to show you how easy every step is.

  • Make a list of fantasies that you would like to try with your partner.
  • Discuss the list and choose the things that turn both of you on.
  • Set the safe words that will stop or slow down the session.
  • Choose and buy the equipment that clicks with both of you (if you need it).
  • Turn off the phones and try some BDSM action!
  • Discuss the session with you partner.

I recommend you write a list of desires right now, open Notepad, MS Word, OpenOffice or whatever you have and do it, don’t waste your time. After that you can read some additional articles right here on EzineArticles. And do talk to you partner this week.

http://lesbianbdsm.kinky-thingy.com/bdsm-stats/

Author: Johan Tyros
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
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MEDIA & BDSM

Media and BDSM

Media & BDSM

Media coverage is extremely important when it comes to the image the world has about any group in society. It may even be decisive. And as for any other group, this is true for the erotic power exchange world as well. Since erotic power exchange is attracting more interest in society, it is only logical the phenomena gets increased media coverage. In addition, the current trend – especially in audiovisual media – to try and cover more eroticism in general contributes extra to this trend.

Journalists trying to cover the subject are faced with various difficulties and complications – the most important being the complexity of the subject as well as the difficulty to find people who feel comfortable with talking about their most intimate emotions in mass media. Next to that, to an outsider it is not easy to understand the cultural differences within the group and the subject takes up quite a bit of research and/or pre-production time as well as space or air time to cover it in a more serious way.

“The scene” does not exist

Despite what general opinion would like people to believe, there is no such thing as “an EPE (or BDSM) scene”. Instead there are different cultures, different sexual preferences and most of all individuals and couples practicing or just fantasizing about power dynamics in an erotic setting. One of the main difficulties is that – as a result of the very individual determination of sexual behavior in general and with that erotic power exchange – it is extremely hard, if not entirely impossible to find common denominators. Hence talking to one or two people will only sketch THEIR views. These may be significantly different from others and are most certainly not THE views or opinions.

First of all, there are very distinct differences in culture, based on sexual preference. Homosexual EPE is very different in many aspects from its heterosexual equivalent. Homosexual men are – in their EPE-emotions – very different from homosexual women and within the heterosexual world the first main difference should be made between the Maledom/femsub (dominant man/submissive woman) and the Femdom(me)/malesub (dominant woman/submissive man) cultures. When concentrating on the heterosexual “world” only, one of the major differences is the fact that the Femdom(me) culture is dominated by women, who have made a profession out of their nature; a phenomena that is almost non-existent in the Maledom/femsub culture (although there are professional submissive women and -albeit extremely few – professional dominant men).

Most of the literature available is about homosexual erotic power exchange, where power dynamics are different, the culture is much outward oriented and – although this a dangerous generalization – generally speaking, more rough. In addition, there are many technical differences between homosexual and heterosexual EPE. Another very important consideration is that sexuality between members of the same sex is entirely different from sexuality between members of the opposite sex. Beyond these major variances, there are many other heterosexual-specific concerns, such as the fact that a heterosexual couple will usually be confronted with having to raise children. It is, therefore, impossible to rely on available literature when it comes to form an undistorted opinion on heterosexual erotic power exchange.

The image of erotic power exchange is, to a large extent, generated by both pornography on one end and one-sided, dysfunction-oriented clinical and scientific research. Hence the picture the media paint – for understandable reasons – is a picture very few erotic power exchange people would recognize. One of the main reasons for this sullied view of EPE is the fact that it is difficult for media to get people to talk about their emotions. The majority of people interviewed – since they are usually the only ones available – are people who are commercially active in the erotic power exchange world – predominantly dominatrixes. These people usually and again understandable, have a one-sided image. Professional EPE-activity is a commercial enterprise with the aim to make profit, not to express the person’s own feelings towards a partner. Since the vast majority of EPE-professionals are dominatrixes, they will attract a very specific type of person, in particular submissive men. Very few of the clients a professional dominatrix has, have an active erotic power exchange relationship with their partner. And, the professionals interviewed have an entirely different agenda. Their motive is not to give unprejudiced information about their subject. Their first objective is to attract (more) clients and the immediate second motive is to make sure they stand out from their colleagues.

A picture based on alternate motives

Unfortunately, the EPE image is predominantly influenced by several elements all of which have ulterior motives. Non of them have had or currently have the objective to communicate unprejudiced information. Let’s make an interesting list of the four most influential factors on the image of erotic power exchange:

Science

The majority of scientific publications on the subject originate from the psychological/psychiatric field. None of these publications deals with the power exchange between healthy, well-adjusted people, capable to make safe, sane, consensual, well-informed and conscious decisions. Instead, all these publications deal with people seeking help (usually from the author) and have been written primarily to advocate either one specific opinion or one specific treatment by one specific therapist. Unfortunately, there is no broad, large scale research available on the phenomena of EPE. It is estimated that as much as 30 percent of the adult population has erotic power exchange fantasies and is (potentially) active in this area. The largest group that has ever been the subject of research is a group from approximately two hundred people from one country. This can hardly be called representative for the world-wide group, hence all conclusions should not be projected on the entire population. Unfortunately, this happens all too frequently.

Furthermore, much of the available scientific research available and quoted, is extremely outdated. This is especially true for politicians, legislators and lawyers in many countries, who will go back and cite research that is at least thirty or forty years old. Whereas no court or scientific body in the world would accept other (semi)medical data that old as a basis for judgment, when it comes to erotic power exchange this is still generally accepted.

Pornography and pseudo-experts

These two groups are mentioned in one header deliberately because pseudo-experts predominantly style themselves on the pictures painted by pornography, sometimes cleverly validating themselves and their views by misquoting scientists. Both pornography and pseudo-experts have only one objective: to sell as many books, articles, magazines or videos and CD’s as they possibly can. Erotic power exchange-related pornography is mainly sold to people who are NOT active in erotic power exchange. Much of what is sold is – unfortunately – quite often mistaken for information, especially by people who are new to the subject. The picture painted is not meant to give information, but instead, is meant to indulge fantasy. In these situations fantasy does not have to become reality, and when it comes to erotic power exchange, hardly ever does fully.

Media

Without making any judgments here, the media plays an important role in the image-building. Next to the difficulties sketched above – the fact that it is indeed extremely difficult to depict a clear image of EPE and the unintentional effect of dominatrixes – it is obvious that excess-oriented journalism does not help and, again, does not have the objective of communicating factual and independent information, but has the objective of selling copy as well as entertaining.

The “community” itself

Even though the various support groups put a lot of effort in trying to inform and educate, their efforts reflect the average lack of experience in mass communication as well as the variety of opinions that even the EPE community itself holds. None of the support groups, not even larger national groups like the USA National Leather Association, have any critical sway in the EPE community, compared to the number of people interested in the subject. This is again the result of both the variety of opinions held as well as the different cultures. Individual subgroups are only just finding out they have a different identity from other like-minded people. This is new and somewhat disturbing to many and it is difficult for groups as well as individuals to find and identify with a “new” identity.

These support groups are small. They do not have one-tenth of the budget, that scientists and especially pornography producers can use. There for it is a very uneven battle, trying to fight the misinformation with little more than a personal computer and a xerox-machine, when resources in the pornography industry are huge.

Finally, there are the well meant efforts of individuals, especially on the Internet, to try and build personal home pages that provide “information”. Such information is usually highly individual (and as such useful for identification purposes) and of little or no relevance for a more general informational approach.The bottom line is that the information/misinformation ratio is about 10:90. It is no wonder the image the outside world has is the wrong image; an image that has very little to do with the day-to-day practice of erotic power exchange.

Author Hans Meijer is the chairman of the Powerotics Foundation, an organisation dedicated to providing quality information about alternative lifestyles.

Author: Hans Meijer
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
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What Is Erotic Power Exchange?

Erotic power exchange is any situation where partners, of their own free will and choice, actively and willfully incorporate the power element in their lovemaking (and usually for a great deal in their relationship). Erotic power exchange is best known as either BDSM, S&M, D/s or sadomasochism, but these terms are all too limited, incorrect and all too frequently confused with stereotypes and forms of mental illness, which is why we like to call it Erotic Power Exchange (EPE).

The Holistic Approach

Allow us to quickly explain our view and approach. Not in order to try and force you into any direction, but to explain where we are coming from, so you will have a better understanding about the way, this online educational facility has been set up.

Erotic power exchange is a situation that incorporates – or often even encloses – spirit, body and mind and as a result will have an effect on each of these three areas that, together, make up the human being. As a result, we try to approach each area of the art of erotic power exchange on each of these levels who – in order to create the wholeness of the human being – are equally important and all deserve their, individual, attention.
Erotic power exchange can take any shape or form within a relationship. From little things like blindfolding her when making love to anything like 24 hours a day, 7 days a week servitude.

The shape and form it takes totally depends upon the fantasies, situation, preferences and boundaries of the partners involved. As long as it is informed consensual, safe, sane and voluntary it is called erotic power exchange. If any or all of these four elements are missing, it is called abuse.

Next, erotic power exchange requires a specific environment. Call it a biosphere, if you like. What it requires is a very sound, honest and sincere relationship, intense and open communication, trust, a lot of mutual understanding, an open mind, lots of love and care and a fair bit of creativity. Which does not mean the relationship necessarily has to be a long term one. Even within a one-night-stand or casual situation all these requirements must be there – albeit probably on a less intense level – to make things work.

People will often ask: what is wrong with straight sex? Why add things like power exchange. Well, there is nothing wrong with straight sex. But there are people – such as yourself – who want more out of their relationship. Maybe even more out of life. These are the people that will identify the power element, present in every relationship, and start to work with it, magnify it, play with it, explore and experiment. In every day life all of us have to deal with power. Your boss’ power or political power for example, but not all of us become bosses or politicians or even take an interest in management or politics. The same is true for power within the sexual/relational context. Some do, some don’t.

Giving away power to your partner can be an immense erotic sensation. Being tied up, relatively helpless and being launched by your partner into your own fantasies and dreams – some people call that sub space – can be thrilling, relaxing and revealing at the same time. Pain, tickling and all sorts of other impulses – when administered with care and skill – can pump up your endorphins, giving you the same sensation sports people will sometimes feel. On the other hand, the dominant partner will feel the adrenaline and serotonine flow freely through his or her body, giving them a very powerful feeling and very intense and caring emotion at the same time. No, the people that do it don’t need the power element to be able to have an orgasm or an interesting and rewarding relationship, but yes, they do need the power element to be present and used in their relationship.

An umbrella for lots of different things

Erotic power exchange is a very individual, personal experience. That is why it is very hard to describe what it is exactly. The only element all these people – and that includes you – have in common is the fact that – for their own individual reasons – they are fascinated by the power element in a sexual/relational context. What they do, how they do it and why may be completely different things.
Erotic power exchange is an umbrella argument. One couple may fill it in as tying her up in bed, another may be fascinated by the idea of a “strange” man walking into the bedroom capturing her and a third may have a relationship where he serves her in any aspect. Many others will look for the spiritual and personal growths, this may bring about. Others are in it for the kink. All of that is quite all right, as long as it feels good for you and it brings you what you are looking for.

Erotic power exchange is like golf: it is highly individual, you are the master of your own game and you are also your own referee.
It is entirely about what you want to do. You do not have to copy others. You do not even have to agree with what others do. It is your game, your thoughts, your emotions and your fantasies. It is what you and your (future) partner share. It is being able to explore the borders of your mind and imagination in a very safe environment.

To many people erotic power exchange is not just about sex, but a lifestyle. Most people that do it will recognize it as something very personal, something very much belonging to themselves. To many it is a way to express themselves.

A definition of Erotic Power Exchange

Probably the most dangerous thing to do is to try and come up with definitions of erotic power exchange. Usually this will lead to furious discussions. However, the POWERotics Internet discussion group (one of the largest in its kind) managed to agree on a definition that seems a workable one as well as one that a large group of (Maledom/femsub oriented) people can agree upon. This is the definition, agreed upon by this group, plus the relevant notes about it.

* Erotic power exchange is defined as: voluntary and informed consensual acts of power exchange between consenting adults.
* Voluntary is defined as: not having received or being promised any – financial or non-financial – incentive or reward in order to try and coerce or force any of the partners involved into actions they would not consent to without such reward or incentive; not otherwise being forced or coerced (either through physical, mental, economical or social force or overpowering) into actions any of the partners involved otherwise would not consent to, of the own free will of all partners involved.
* Informed consensual is defined as: partners involved – prior to the act – have chosen voluntary to enter into acts of erotic power exchange and all partners involved – to the best of their knowledge – have made a serious effort to establish all other partners involved have a reasonable level of understanding of both the activities, they consented to, as well as the potential consequences and risks of such activities.
* Adults are defined as: of legal age in their area or country. Should such legal age be under 18 years of age, adult is defined as 18 years of age or older.All of the above may sound a little over the top to you – and in fact, to a certain extent we agree. However, it IS the first ever attempt to come up with a definition that is workable and that, although probably a little bit too “legal” for those inside the community, makes perfectly clear where the lines are drawn between consensual erotic power exchange on one end and abuse or outright sick or criminal behavior on the other.

Stigma & Truth

There are all sorts of knockdowns on the subject of erotic power exchange around, all of them often used by legislators as well as others who oppose erotic power exchange. All of these are based on assumed psychological or psychiatric “knowledge” or “facts”. The fact of the matter is that none of these are actually true or proven. We have collected the most common ones around and compared them with the real facts.

“Once you start, you will want more and more”

This is what pseudo-experts will introduce as the “stepping stone theory”.

In other words, once you have tasted the effects of, for example, pain, you will want more and more of it and it will end in excessive behavior and addiction. In fact there is no “stepping stone theory” (the term originates from research into the causes of drug-addiction in the late 1960′s and by the way the theory didn’t work in that area either) as far as erotic power exchange is concerned.

Fact number two is this. Like almost anything about erotic power exchange, there is hardly any serious and published scientific research on this subject. Next, nearly all research commonly referred to as being about EPE has been research done in individual cases or extremely small groups. Any conclusions, based on such research, are not valid for the entire group for simple statistical and mathematical reasons only, if nothing else. Research has predominantly been done by psychiatrists and psychologists – into cases that almost all relate to direct questions for help or significant health-related problems. And the objective of almost all of these articles is to promote the therapy of that particular therapist. General sociological research in the area of erotic power exchange is rare and, if available, has been done predominantly in the gay community or with such small – and country or area specific – research groups that it is impossible to draw any general conclusions in a responsible way.

Fact number three is that the reality of erotic power exchange shows an entirely different picture. People who are into erotic power exchange will usually start to experiment with it and in this experimental phase will usually want to explore all possibilities. As time progresses their emotions will settle down, pieces of the puzzle will fall into place and their wants and needs – once explored and identified – will settle down to the level that usually corresponds with the fantasies people originally had.

“The need to go into power exchange always hides a traumatic experience”

This knockdown is based on Freud who, as we all know, tried to explore the relationship between all sorts of human behavior – not only the sexual behavior – and (early) childhood experiences. His method is called psycho-analysis and in modern psychology is considered outdated and largely irrelevant.
Although it is a fact that some people who are into erotic power exchange have a history of abuse or childhood trauma, a general connection has never been established. What may be true in individual cases most certainly is not true as a general argument. What research did establish is that there are no significant differences between the number of people with traumatic experiences in the erotic power exchange community than there are in any other group.

More recent research points to both genetic influences as well as to a creative and inquisitive mindset as factors that may be of influence to the development of erotic power exchange feelings and emotions. However, this research is far from finalized and in fact again is only limited to individual cases, like most of the scientific research done in this area.

Another – relatively new – area that may play a role is the influence of endorphins. Endorphins are hormones, natural opiates, produced by the body and commonly known as “emotion” amino acids. Different mixtures of different types of endorphins will create different emotions. Some of these mixtures are created as a result of fear, stress and pain. What role they play when it comes to the development of erotic power exchange emotions is yet unknown.

“The need for power exchange points to a stern upbringing”

Again a “semi-Freudian” misconception and based on one case of one man, researched and published about by Freud.

The fact of the matter is that most of the people who are into erotic power exchange have had a perfectly normal youth and upbringing and the majority come from families where sexuality was a subject that could be discussed freely and openly. Again there may be individual cases where people had a stern – or sometimes very religious – upbringing but whether or not there are any connections between upbringing and erotic power exchange emotions in general is yet to be determined and probably very unlikely as far as the development of the emotions as such is concerned.

“People into erotic power exchange can not find full sexual satisfaction in other ways”

This is an outright lie, based on research done in cases of excessive clinical sadism and masochism (i.e. the mental illnesses). It is true that the severe mental distortions usually described as sadism and masochism may (but not always do) show this type of behavior. Erotic power exchange, however, has nothing to do with mental distortions but with perfectly normal erotic/sexual behavior between perfectly normal, well-adjusted, responsible adults.

People into erotic power exchange will usually consider their feelings and emotions important and will identify erotic power exchange as a lifestyle, but that does not mean they have a compulsive need. The lack of compulsive behavior in fact is what separates erotic power exchange from clinical sadists and masochists.

In fact in many cases people will identify their erotic power exchange emotions as entirely different from sexual emotions or – for example – an orgasm.

“Dominant men are just male chauvinists”

The fact of the matter is that the majority of dominant men are very caring, loving and open minded people – as are most dominant women by the way. The position of the dominant in erotic power exchange by definition requires a lot of understanding, caring, trust and most of all a great interest in the wants and needs and emotions of the submissive partner. What to the outsider may seem a very strict, direct, powerful and maybe sometimes somewhat aggressive looking macho man in fact is only role play, using symbols and role behavior but underneath is almost always a very caring person.
The average submissive partner, when asked, will usually describe the dom as understanding – generally knowing more about his submissive partner than (s)he does (or did) him or herself – supportive, careful, loving and protective.

“Submissive women betray the movement for women’s rights”

Being submissive and allowing these emotions to come out is a very self-confident statement and decision as well as a difficult and scary process. Submissive women are usually very self aware and are making very conscious decisions about their submissiveness. They are anything but “doormats” and have – generally speaking – gone through a long process of identifying and accepting themselves as well as their submissive feelings and emotions.

Just as dominant erotic behavior is not an indication of general dominance, neither is submissiveness an indication that the (wo)men will display submissiveness in every day life. Usually they will be anything but submissive, although it is a fact that as long as submissive emotions have not settled down, submissive women especially sometimes may have trouble separating some of their submissive feelings from other things.
The argument itself originates from hard line feminist activists who – predominantly out of fear for unwanted influence – try to separate women from other opinions than the ones such activists have.

“People who are dominant in every day life are submissive in bed and vice versa”

Sexual/erotic behavior is usually not an indication for any other form of social behavior, neither are there any proven links between the two. Dominants can have both dominant as well as non-dominant positions in every day life and the same goes for submissive’s. A female executive can be submissive in the bedroom, a male nurse can be dominant. The above statement is a classic example of stereotyping, mainly based on pornography and stories from prostitutes who – through indicating they have “socially important or significant customers” – in fact try to market their profession and often use arguments like these in a rather naive effort to gain more social acceptance and respect for their trade.

“Erotic power exchange is dangerous”

There are all sorts of stories around about accidents, that happened during erotic power exchange sessions. The most “famous” one around is the story about the man who – after cuffing his wife to the bed – climbed the nearest cupboard in an effort to jump on her, broke both his legs, fell into the locked closet and the couple had to wait for two days before help arrived. This story – like many others – is around in almost all countries and – like nearly all others – is a tall story. Of course, anything one does without sufficient knowledge can be risky or even dangerous. The truth of the matter is that safe, sane, voluntary and informed consensual erotic power exchange is perfectly safe, provided people know what they are doing.

Early Recollection

The vast majority (over 50 percent) of the people actively nurturing erotic power exchange emotions recollect fantasies about power role play at an early age, prior to their 18th birthday. Just about half of this group (in other words 25 percent of all BDSM-people) recollects having such fantasies before the age of twelve – quite frequently as early as six or seven.

Research by the POWERotics Foundation shows women usually recollect erotic power exchange fantasies and emotions earlier than men on average. Recollections of fantasies and emotions before the age of 12 for example are more frequent (24%) in the female group (men 16%). Very recent recollections, after their 18th birthday, are more frequent in the male group: 22% as opposed to only 5% in the female group.

There are no real differences when it comes to the importance of personal fantasies. Between 40 and 45 percent of both groups indicate that it have been these fantasies that triggered their erotic power exchange emotions. The same goes for the influence of books and general media on the development of such emotions. Around 20 percent of both groups indicate this as a trigger. There are, however, big differences when it comes to the influence of the Internet. Almost twice as many young women (15% opposed to 8%) name the Internet as a trigger of their emotions, whereas almost twice as many young men (11% versus 6%) say they have been influenced by pornography. It is important to notice however that the influence of both the Internet and pornography are only of minor influence, when compared to other triggers such as private fantasies and general media.

Young women in general consider erotic power exchange of a greater importance in their lives than young men. 53% of the young women consider it to be either a very important or the most important thing in their lives, whereas 44% of the men consider it important but have other priorities as well. Slightly more young men (12%) than women (10%) see erotic power exchange as just a kick.

Hans Meijer is the chairman of the Powerotics Foundation, an organisation that supports quality information about alternative lifestyles.

Author: Hans Meijer
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
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Bdsm Or Abuse?

201009211131.jpg
In order to get a few – indeed quoted way too often – urban legends out of the way first: scientific research shows that the number of people with a traumatic (abuse) history within the erotic power exchange group is no different from any other group.

Since the same research (European as well as American) indicates that between 20 and 50 percent of population has an abuse history, one may safely say the same goes for EPE people, doms and sub alike.

One important thing to notice here is that first of all the term “abuse” is just as vague as “car-accident” and – without a proper definition of what is considered abuse in any particular case – is useless. Abuse – apart from the very obvious cases – is first of all very personal perception by the victim (which does NOT mean to say it is a lesser form of abuse – just that different people have different perceptions) and as such, as science and experts will readily admit, is one of the most difficult things to give a definition for in any more or less general format.

Another thing to remember here is that it is very important to make a distinct difference between different forms of abuse. Juvenal trauma can not be compared to spousal abuse, rape is different for men and women and the worst thing to do is throw everything on one big pile. Which is another reason why the term “abuse” is useless and empty, because it says very little (again not meaning to say that abuse isn’t bad).

And then there is the most difficult nut to crack in this area. I know I am very likely to get flamed here tremendously but I am going to do this anyway.

As some of you may know I have been involved in quite a few BDSM-related court cases and police investigations, either as consultant or expert witness and I have worked with several psychiatric departments of hospitals on the same issue. I am saying this so you understand where I’m coming from here.

First of all: there is a lot of research done, especially on the issue of erotic power exchange, sado-masochism and abuse. Much more than many of you seem to know. And much less stigmatized as many in the community seem to think. Especially in Europe some universities (Heidelberg and Trier in Germany, Arhus in Denmark and Utrecht in the Netherlands) have entire departments of the Psychology and Psychiatry faculties working on that and there is a lotof scientific material available if you take the trouble to look for it. Much of that is quite easily available actually, albeit not always in English.

Having said that, there is one pretty common theory among the researchers (taking a bit of time to get here, so bear with me).

Ever since Freud (but before that actually since Kraft-Ebing) the popular assumption was that submissives (masochists – yes, the damn terminology again) themselves more or less brought the abuse upon themselves by assuming the victim role naturally as a result of their inclination. That theory stood up for half a century and – unfortunately – is still often used.

In the meantime things have changed. One thing that has changed is that even American psychiatry these days makes a clear distinction between consentual adult sexual behavior (including erotic power exchange) and sadism/masochism. As far as MASOCHISTS (i.e. the ill people) are concerned, the Freud theory still stands and in the meantime is proven. However!!!!!!! There are not that many clinical masochists, just as there aren’t that many clinical sadists.

So where Freud and others thought everyone with a submissive inclination was a masochist, these days everybody with reasonable and up to date knowledge on the subject (except large parts of the epe-comminuty itself) for good reasons makes a distinct difference between sadism/masochism and dominance/submission and as you can see for very good reasons.

Clinical cases of both sadism and masochism are far beyond the scope of erotic power exchange, and that includes help and treatment. That is one reason why there are so many warnings NOT to play therapist in an epe-context. Since you all are amateurs in this are (and that includes professionals who take their profession into the bedroom), you are simply not qualified, if not for lack of professional distance most certainly for lack of knowledge and experience. If you “the healer” (deliberately being sarcastical here) happen to run into a clinical masochist all you do by letting her play out her masochsim is that you are rewarding the wrong behavior which will only make things worse. Exactly the same happens when you run into a clinical sadist. It is much like if you try to teach your dog not to be afraid of fireworks by taking him on your lap and stroking him. By doing that you are doing exactly the wrong thing: rewarding the wrong behavior, hence you will increase the fear instead of fighting it.

That is exactly what you do if start to play out masochistic fantasies with a clinical masochist. Like I said, masochists – although there are few – are likely to indeed “bring the abuse upon themselves”, either because they want to, or because they feel the need to be punished, or they are looking for what they think is a safe environment (knowing what abuse is and having been conditioned to live with it can feel safer than a normal life) or whatever other reason. There are many.

Submissives however is an entirely different case. They do NOT bring the abuse upon themselves but – and here is the more modern view – do something else that can be just as dangerous (although understandable). Someone who has been abused will almost always try to look for a reason, an explanation, something that satisfied the need of their brain for a logical explanation of what has happened. And that is where discussions about erotic power exchange and abuse come in. A more modern theory is that those who allready have a submissive inclination (which is quite likely to be genetically encoded to a large extend) tend to look for an explanation there. To many that makes the trauma bearable and can help them get over it or at least deal with it.

Although that is understandable, that again is a dangerous motivation, since it is the worng medicine (as in no medicine at all) for the wrong disease. Dealing with a trauma should ALWAYS be done outside an erotic power exchange environment and especially if it is sexual abuse should never be dealt with in a sexual context in the first place. Even if there is such a thing as a fight fire with fire theory (which in cases like these is very unlikely) that is still something people should NOT engage in on an amateur basis, no matter how caring, loving, supporting, understanding their partner may be. That partner can be extremely important but NOT in that area. Dealing with trauma – if someone can not do that herself (or himself) – always requires help by a professional. Not in the first place because of his/knowledge and skills, but because of the need for professional distance to start with.

Back to the subject: abuse is way to broad a term to just fool around with. No, there are no proven connections and yes, the community itself has a tendency to over-emphasize abuse and to seek for explanations that are not there, no matter how conveniant they may seem to be.

Which all doesn’t mean to say we should not try and fight abuse viqorously on a constant basis.

Author Hans Meijer (54) is a former Dutch journalist and currently the chairman of the Powerotics Foundation, an organisation dedicated to providing quality information about alternative lifestyles. He is the author of several books and has assisted law enforcement agencies, therapists and magistrates in BDSM-related cases.

Author: Hans Meijer
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
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Help, My Spouse Is Into Kinky Sex!

Below is one of the questions people ask me often. The situation is one that is not uncommon when it comes to erotic power exchange: one of the partners wants it, the other doesn’t. Hopefully this question and answer will help others.

The Question

“I am looking for information that might cover the troubles that crop up in a relationship, particularly in a marriage, when one partner reveals his/her tendencies towards BDSM. I am the vanilla spouse of a man who believes he is dominant. We have been married eight years, and until about two years ago, I had no clue he had such interests. We have done some experimentation since he “came out,” but I do not find any of it appealing at all. It’s possible that the circumstances of some of our encounters turned me off to it all, but trust me, the turn off is permanent.

I have read a ton of information on this issue, have read stories, have talked to both dom(me)s and subs, have talked with my husband, etc. I’m one of those poor dull saps who just doesn’t get it.

My husband and I have reached a point in our marriage where he has decided that he needs to shelve his BD notions. About a week ago, the issue was whether I was the stronger pull or BD was the stronger pull. When I began talking about taking some time off from the marriage to give him a chance to sort out his feelings (it’s tough being married for eight years and realizing that you might not be picked), he said, adamantly, that he would put aside his feelings for BDSM and focus on the marriage.

It seems that our options are: he shelves his desires; I try to figure out a way to play with him (not going to happen); we negotiate a way for him to seek another “play” partner (this makes me whoozy because I understand the emotional involvement necessary and don’t think I can cope); we split up and he pursues his needs without the baggage of a vanilla spouse (not a terribly happy solution considering I love this little guy).

My question is, how likely is it that these feelings will surface in the future and cause him more conflict? We have discussed the possibility of his finding a sub and having a “no sex” relationship with her. But a number of things are a problem with that possibility. No. 1, I believe that erotic power exchange, whether it involves intercourse or not, is a form of sex (in other words, I am terminally monogamous). I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself. No. 2, he doesn’t want to “soil” the marriage with his needs (would rather divorce than soil it, I suspect). No. 3, he can’t find a partner.

Anyway, if you know of any resources, people, articles, books, organizations, angels, fairy godmothers, ANYONE or ANYTHING that might help me come up with some answers on this, I would be so grateful that I would — well, I don’t know what. I’m at a point where I’m struggling issues of trust, betrayal (of self and spouse), fear, etc. I looked through your listing of books and articles and didn’t see anything that looked even remotely helpful.

I apologize for the intimate and personal tone of this e-mail, but I am rather desperate. We are about to seek counseling (ug! but it’s necessary), but something tells me that I will find no answers there, that the focus will be on why he is the way he is. I AM grateful to have found your website. The listing of stages is MOST enlightening.”

My answer

Thank you for bringing up the question, because it is one many people have problems with. Let us start with saying that erotic power exchange emotions are not likely to disappear. Although science still has not determined exactly what determines our sexual preferences, it is becoming apparant that at least a substantial part of it is genetically encoded. Your husband is obviously facing a huge personal problem (and as a result so are you) that is not an easy nut to crack. Even though he may probably try to shelf his emotions for now, they are very likely to pop up again in the future and it is not unlikely they will become stronger, since he may try to shelf his emotions; the basic feelings and the fantasies will still be there. That brings a lot of strain in your relationship, no doubt.

There is very little or no literature on this. It boils down to incompatibality of partners (which is not uncommon – with or without erotic power exchange).

Having said this, the situation is probably not completely hopeless. We’ll get to that in a minute. First however another warning. You are very right in saying that erotic power exchange (even without “the act”) is a form of sexuality, hence there is indeed no erotic power exchange without sex. Having a play partner outside the relationship is a form many find to cope with problems like these. Does that work? Usually not. There are a couple of risks involved in such a set up:

* the erotic power exchange will bring out feelings and emotions between the two playing. Emotions that weren’t there before – at least not in a “live” situation. The play partners are very likely to bond, the non-playing spouse will feel left out and the other will be torn between two different people he (as in this case) shares his emotions with;

* “play without sex” is what many people will suggest to start with. You can take our word for it that some sort of “active sex” will evolve soon, since the tension built up in active play requires a release AND builds up sexual needs;

* since erotic power exchange to most people are very dear, personal and treasured emotions, sharing them with someone will automatically lead to a special bond that will grow and things that should not be in there will also slip in, even if the play partners sincerely do not want that to happen.

Hence, unless you find a commercial play partner (prostitute, which in this case is very unlikely because there are very little sub-prostitutes) you pay for playing but do do build up any “relationship” with, the risks of such a solution are huge. And you are right, you would have to agreee to all this too and cope with it.

Now, to the question, is this hopeless? Probably not. Without even knowing about exactly what has happened between the two of you so far it is likely things have started on the wrong foot and your husband is asking too much. Even without the specific dominant/submissive dynamics there are very little women that will not be attracted to “exciting” eroticism and sexuality (even though you may have to accept yourself and your desires first). Mind you, we are not going to throw the “you are submissive but you don’t know that yet” routine on you, because that is nonsense.

However, do try and envisage the following situation: you are blindfolded (with something soft like silk) and all he does is carress you, arouse you, kiss you all over, maybe tickle you a bit and undertakes every effort to seduce you. No whips, no ropes and cuffs, no heavy leather stuff, just a blindfold, maybe a glass of wine, candle light, soft music, comfort, enjoyment and MOST IMPORTANTLY, no stress. Just pure and simple enjoyment. Chances are you’d like that very much and this IS an erotic power exchange setting where you leave it to him to work his butt off to seduce you, while he will be the one that has the initiative and these are exactly the dynamics that we are really talking about.

Something like the above – and please take out the strain and the stress, forget about being called slave, calling him master or anything, forget about the fact that this is erotic power exchange, just enjoy – might be pure and simple joy and fun. There are a lot of other simple ways to bring out the same eroticism. For example, allow him to “order” you to cook a wonderful candlelight dinner for the two of you. That will probably make a nice entree to pure enjoyment too.

The examples above are simple and very erotic and intimate forms of role play without all the heavy stuff and they – or other ways – may bring about a wonderful way to experience what you yourself like and what not. Letting him pick your clothes for a change, you doing simple things to please him and he being receptive to that and responding to it, all of that is erotic power exchange and that may appeal to him as well as to you without the heavy stuff. The idea is to learn and play and BOTH try and experiment with FUN things, without the stress, the need, etcetera.

Will this go further? Who is to say. That totally depends on the two of you. But do try. It isn’t as scary as it seems as you can see (or at least it doesn’t have to be). It offers both of you a possibility to explore, for him to learn and understand that the trick (in any erotic power exchange setting) is subtlety and NOT the heavy stuff (most of what you see is pornography and has little to do with the things people do in their homes).

By all means do talk about this, communicate and exchange what both of you can and can not do. That goes for you too and should be respected.

Hans Meijer is a former Dutch journalist, now chairman of the Powerotics Foundation and the author of several e-books about erotic power exchange and other alternative lifestyles.

Author: Hans Meijer
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
Netbook, Tablets and Mobile Computing

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SHIBARICON 2008 – MAY 23-26, 2008 – CHICAGO

SHIBARICON 2008 – MAY 23-26, 2008 – CHICAGO
Posted by: “Tatu” ds_arts@… nawanotatu
Date: Sat Dec 1, 2007 5:00 am ((PST))

japanese-bdsm.jpg SHIBARICON 2008
MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND
MAY 23-26, 2008
CHICAGO, IL USA

Don’t miss this amazing 4-day weekend of rope, fun & friendship!

REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN!!!

http://www.shibaricon.com/registration.html

4 days of classes taught by awesome instructors
14,000 sq ft of play and practice space
Great equipment including lots of suspension frames
Vendors selling rope, fine fetish wear, toys and more
For more information please visit http://www.shibaricon.com

I hope many of you will be able to join us for these 4 wonderful days of bondage, fun & friendship that gets better every year! Don’t forget our great location, the Hyatt Regency O’Hare, offers a shuttle from the airport as well as convenience to transportation to downtown Chicago for those of you who want to take some time to go sightseeing or shop at IML.

For a limited time early registration will be only $145.00 for this fabulous 4-day event. Register now and save!

The link to reserve a room will be found at http://www.shibaricon.com/venue.html once the system is ready to take our reservations.

This event is a labor of love for so many who work diligently all year to make it happen. All of us look forward to reuniting with old friends and meeting new rope-lovers.

Please cross post.

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Some Light Bondage and some Spanking

I am kinda enjoying this bondage with spanking.  Its not something I usually look at.  Hey this blog is expanding my horizons already!  This is kitty from Master Jen.  Nothing too hard core just the girl next door getting tied up,  some vibrator action and of course your humble narrator’s favorite a nice little spanking and the end!

Besides This girl is cute as hell.  You can find this one on Master Jen

Brushstrokes

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Bondage for Beginners: What the "act" is All About

By: David Tottenham

bondage

BDSM is a pretty compact acronym which stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. BDSM in general involves a variety of sexual practices and relationships.

For this, however, let us try to focus on the “B” word; bondage. What exactly is it about getting handcuffed which turns some people on? If your sex life is lagging, is bondage really an effective way to add some spice into your love play? Read on to find out more…

When Bound is Not Necessarily Battered

First up, here’s a quick definition of bondage. From the perspective of BDSM, bondage involves tying up or restraining someone to induce sexual pleasure.

There are a few quick facts that you need to know about bondage if you haven’t tried it yet. No matter what your sexual orientation is, you might just be turned on by the sight of your partner with his or her hands cuffed to the bed posts. Perhaps it’s the novelty of the act of bondage, but it can also be the thought of mastering your control over your partner which proves to be a huge turn on.

Another thing that you need to know about bondage is that it is not necessarily the violent nature of the act which provides a strong erotic appeal for most people. Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of bondage discipline, this will allow you to get lost in a world where your sexual fantasies will come into play.

Bondage Sex Toys for Beginners

Now that you have an idea about the appeal that bondage has to some people, what are the beginner sex toys that you can use to introduce some BDSM into your love play with your partner?

The most basic bondage sex toys that you can try out as a beginner include handcuffs, erection rings and nipple clamps. For the mid-level to advanced level of BDSM, you can graduate to the more sophisticated bondage sex toys which include a full bedroom bondage or fetish kit, spanking paddles, whips, sex furniture, love swings, hammocks and electro stimulation toys.

If you want to up the ante in your sex life, bondage is definitely the way to go. Not only will you be able to fulfill your deepest, darkest sexual fantasies – but you and your partner will be able to connect on a more intimate level in the bedroom that is bound to add that extra spice to your sex life.

About the Author:

David Tottenham works for the Utopia Supplies sex shop, a UK-based online sex shop which stocks thousands of high quality sex toys.

Something above take your fancy? Take a look at the Utopia Supplies bondage section, where you will find a large range of bondage equipment including cock rings, whips, restraints and more

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BDSM: An Immeasurable Range of Sexual, Sensual and Intimate Activities

bent_forward_strappadoTo some people, the term BDSM brings to mind images of people tied up in chains, in some dark secret dungeon and being whipped senseless in some type of twisted if not macabre pleasure. You know, an indulgence for those bordering of mental illness. This of course could be seen as true in some instances but this is not what BDSM is all about. BDSM cannot be defined by one activity alone, in fact it would be accurate to say that BDSM cannot be defined by any number of activities, it’s a lifestyle choice, which is entirely unique.

The term ‘BDSM’ encompasses an immeasurable range of sexual, sensual and intimate activities. The most common can include power or role-play, a range of sensory games from the extreme infliction of intense pain to the gentle tease of a feather and much more. Many have even participated in an act that could sit under the caveat of BDSM without even knowing it and this style of sexuality is ever on the increase whether you are aware of it or not.

So, what exactly is BDSM?

The term BDSM itself is actually made up from abbreviations of other terms. B & D represents ‘bondage and dominance’ or ‘bondage and discipline’. D & S represents ‘dominance and submission’ and S & M represents ‘sadism and masochism’. With all these terms sitting under the BDSM belt it is easier to see exactly why BDSM can be extremely hard to define and is simply more straightforward to view as a way of life.

As well as being hard to define there are also no set practices within BDSM. For many, it is seen as a way to add an element of spice and enjoyment to their sex lives. Others can view BDSM as a way to gain fulfillment or a temporary release from everyday life, a kind of escape if you will. Still others will view it as a way to deepen the bond between partners. This list of varying views could continue but it is far simpler to point out that there are possibly as many views as there are people involved in the subject. Although the list of views varies dramatically the people behind them all share something in common and that something is known as SSC.

Like BDSM, SSC is also an acronym. It stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual. Safe means that precautions are taken to prevent harm or injury to those involved. Sane means that mental and emotional safety is also cared for and consensual almost speaks for itself; all parties involved agreeing to participate without coercion.

BDSM involves, but is not limited to, any one or a combination of the following practices. The practice is as varied as the people involved in it. The main thing is eroticism.

1. Bondage: refers to the practice of physically restraining a person, by means of devices such as handcuffs, rope, chains etc.

2. Discipline: refers to the process of punishing or being punished.

3. Sadism: refers to deriving pleasure of personal gratification from causing pain, suffering or cruelty.

4. Masochism: refers to deriving pleasure from mental, emotional or physical pain.

While the major sub-groupings of BDSM are within its own definition, it encompasses a very wide variety of practices, some being obvious and others not so obvious. They include;

1. Servitude or slavery

2. Spanking/flogging/canning/whipping

3. Suspension

4. Humiliation

5. Sadism/masochism

6. Sensory deprivation (Example, blindfolding)

7. Body piercing and tattooing

8. Movement restriction

9. Sensation-play (Example, tickling)

10. Medical procedures

What sort of people practice BDSM?

Contrary to the images imprinted in our minds by the media, BDSM is not necessarily hardcore sadism or pornography. People of all walks of life, from various backgrounds and nationalities, all sexual orientations, perform BDSM activities. Participants are, in most cases, normal well-adjusted, and respectable people in their communities. In fact as much as 50% of the population have a varying degree of interest in the subject and that’s with them being knowledgeable enough to know what it encompasses. If you include in those figures couples that may have restrained each other to a bed or the simple use of a blindfold you could expect that percentage to soar. Historically this behavior was listed as a psychological problem in a similar vain to masturbation and homosexuality. Today, however, as are homosexuality and masturbation becoming increasingly accepted in society, so is BDSM.

Is BDSM abuse?

People who practice it say they do so for fun. The emphasis is on SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual). It is not about dominance or forcing another person to do things they don’t want to do. It is about both parties doing what they do want to do. It involves two happy parties.

BDSM can also be subtle and highly erotic, as in the case of tickling or stimulating sensitive body parts with a feather, paintbrush or similar object. There may or may not be pain.

The majorities involved in BDSM share a heightened sense of responsibility and respect for their partners. BDSM has absolutely nothing to do with violence against a helpless victim. It is this kind of common misconception that responsible BDSM participants wish to dispel. Restraining a partner and beating them is not BDSM but simply brutality. The heightened sense of responsibility and respect often results in a positive side effect of superior levels of communication, which, in the BDSM world, is essential, and something that the majority of mainstream couples would be advised to adapt.

Responsible participants practice the use of good communication up front, the use of a ‘safe word’ which will stop the action immediately and a period of communication after any event to discuss what could be better for the next time.

Why BDSM?

There are as many reasons as there are people. The most obvious is good old fun. Some people do it to fulfill their fantasies. For others it is the role-playing. For some it is simply the feeling of dominance or submission. The list is endless.

One thing you can be sure of is that BDSM will always attract a certain curiosity. People will come from all genders and orientations establishing common ground between heterosexuals, homosexuals and any other orientation that you can think of. Before you dismiss BDSM and vouch that you would never participate in such an act or lifestyle, can you be so sure that you haven’t, to a certain degree, done so already?



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