Bondage Radio

Klingons and Predators. No, this is not a story about creatures with big foreheads and bad tempers or ones that turn invisible and hunt California governors for sport. This is a story about two of the hazardous types of swingers that can ruin your lifestyle experience. Whether they are singles or couples, they are always a pain and always a bad reflection on the rest of us. So let’s break each one down.

KLINGONS: Not those in battle cruisers, but just as intrusive. The typical Klingon is a swinging couple, or swingle, that you have met before, or perhaps even played with, and now thinks that every time they see you, they get you. They “cling on” to you. For example: you come into a club, you start to mingle, getting excited about the prospect of playing with someone new, and then the Klingons spot you in their radar. As they glance in your direction, fear hits you like a ton of bricks, “Oh no, they are here! The last time they were here they wouldn’t leave our side! Do they think they own us!?” They’ve forgotten Swinger’s Rule #46: Just because you’ve played with someone before does not mean it will happen again. If a Klingon sees you, your night is pretty much over… or is it?

You can deal with this problem in a graceful manner. But how do you do this?

The Nice Approach: As always the first rule of engagement with Klingons should be to follow the swinger prime directive… Er… basically “be nice.” Maybe say something like this, “We really would like to spend time with you tonight, but we have another play date. So maybe another time?” Most Klingons will respect this, since they are an honorable species and wouldn’t dream of spoiling another swinger’s booty call. It shows respect for others, as well as giving them a good feeling as they move on and find someone else to play with. Ditching someone only hurts people’s feelings and shows extremely bad swinger etiquette.

The Honest Approach: Just tell them straight up, “No thank you”. Keep in mind, if they hang out in the same circle of friends as you, this could be awkward for everyone. Depending on how well you know them, or how sensitive they are, they might be embarrassed, or even angry, and this could come back to haunt you later if they choose to start bad-mouthing you to others (Sounds like high school doesn’t it?). However, if they are good friends, then they will appreciate your honesty and will completely understand. Keep in mind that they may simply be uncomfortable or shy in a large crowd and were simply seeking to hang out with you, not monopolize you. So be careful that you haven’t misread them – in this case, it might be better to say something like “Guys, we love you, but tonight we are looking to hook up with someone new.” Perhaps adding, “…want to help us?”

Remember, someday you may be the one getting told “no.” So think about how you would like the message delivered to you. Your reputation in the lifestyle is everything. Be kind, but also be as honest and direct as required. Now, if you think you might be that Klingon couple, and you want to save yourselves possible embarrassment, then e-mail or call them and ask for a play date, rather than hovering over them like an uncloaked battle cruiser. Remember, just because someone says “Not tonight”, doesn’t mean “Never again.” Take it as an opportunity to find some new friends of your own. There is always tomorrow!

PREDATORS: They can be a pain in everyone’s fun. We all don’t have our preferred ways to initiate play…but Predators are in a league of their own, and always with dramatic results. This is a calculating couple that uses manipulation to get what they want. It doesn’t really matter what you want, they are determined to notch their bedpost with you.

For instance: A new couple is just looking to play with a girl, so the predators chat them up and tell them the husband is really a voyeur and say “I’d love to watch my wife play with you.” So off to the play rooms they go, with no real intention of honoring the other couple’s comfort levels. As Mrs. Predator occupies the guy, Mr. Predator is on the female, trying to push her boundaries as far as he can get away with. These Predators are rare in the seasoned swinger community, but the bad impression they leave on curious and vulnerable newbies is responsible for most of the bad press that the swinger community so often receives.

Another Predator technique I’ve observed is the “Suprise Attack” technique. This usually takes place during playtime at a club or party. The Predators will scope out who they want, sit back and wait for the play to begin. When they see an opportunity, they strike! Someone once told me a story of a classic Predator experience they once had. He and his wife threw a house party. He was in the middle of playing with a unicorn friend of theirs, when a couple that they didn’t know very well approached them and told him that they really wanted to change the music, but couldn’t figure out the stereo system. Wanting to be a good host, he got off (and out) of his unicorn friend for a moment to walk across the room to change the music. When he turned around the Predator couple had already pounced on the unicorn like two hungry lions on a wounded… uh… unicorn. It had literally been only 10 seconds! The host was pissed and the unicorn was uncomfortable… However, neither of them knew what to do and never spoke up!

How do you deal with Predators? There is really only one way: TELL THEM NO! Right then, right there. Start with a waved hand indicating no, then move on to “Sorry, not tonight”, then heighen to, “That’s not ok with me” and then finally going to “Hey, get the fuck away from me!” If you are at a club or someone else’s party, you don’t have to take it on yourselves. Tell the party hosts and get them thrown out. I have seen Predators that just walk up and shove their genitals in people’s faces. These are couples with little or no social skills and a blatant disregard for anyone’s fun but there own. So don’t ever feel bad about possibly hurting their feelings.

But be careful not to mislabel someone as a Predator. On one occasion in my travels, I had a run in with a couple I mislabeled as Predators. I later found out they didn’t speak any English and were from a country where the swinger culture very different than ours. They were actually very nice and didn’t mean to offend anyone. Even with their language barrier they learned quickly how they were supposed to act at parties over here and did their best to adjust. So try to be nice.

To feel comfortable in the swinger lifestyle, it’s important that you feel you have some control over your experiences. Just like in the real world, there are those out there who will do whatever it takes to get what they want from you. Look out for yourself, your partner and your own needs and you will have a fun time.

The intention of this article is not to complain about negative experiences in the swinger lifestyle, but to inform those who may not see it coming. Avoid the speed bumps I call “Klingons and Predators.” That’s not the way the lifestyle works, so if you run into either of these then just waive it off as an anomaly and continue on as you make new friends and live an incredible lifestyle that others cannot imagine.