Bondage Radio

Showing up at a leather conference in a pleather jacket is awkward; not knowing the lingo is worse. How is Unreal supposed to know what a dungeon or a ball-stretcher is, or that “penmanship” translates to “penqueership” in BDSM-speak? (BDSM, FYI, is an umbrella of an acronym that comprises Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism.)

Luckily, we aren’t alone. “I’m kinda freaking out a little bit,” squeals a Washington University med student also attending the “Leather: Work & Play” caucus at last week’s 17th annual National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Creating Change Conference, held at the Millennium Hotel.

Everyone must divulge a secret as a form of introduction (“Shoot!” Unreal squirms). This reveals a former ballet teacher; a guy with a fetish for Airstream trailers; a guy who produces Bear-fetish pornos (read: big hairy blokes); and our personal forite, “Slave Bob,” an AARP rep who also happens to be an ordained minister. (He seems surprised by the secret himself.)

“Leather means different things to different people,” pronounces our moderator, Levi, a sweet, androgynous chap sporting (natch) a black leather vest.

In a nutshell, we learn that leather is not just a material but a way of life, a family, according to one follower, with its own rules (“If you say ‘Chicago,’ that means, ‘Stop!’”) and lessons in fisting, rimming and whipping that come through mentorship and with age.

Leather can also be a nutshell, explains Jason Hendrix, Mr. International Leather 2004, like when you’re vying for his title and you have to endure “Pecs & Personality,” a grueling interview and runway walk wearing a black leather jock strap with “everything” tucked in.

“What do you mean, ‘everything?’” Unreal asks.

“You know, as my mom would say, your hoo-hoo has to be covered.”

Unreal has discovered our secret. We’re not nearly as tight with our mom.